140 - Dr. Kendrick Bailey : learning who he is through a toxic environment

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So find that healing that thereafter, that, uh, you know, we don't understand how to get to. So Kendrick is the man that, that helps to bridge that and bring that understanding. So, Kendrick, how are you doing today?

I'm

doing great. How you doing? Fantastic. Thank you. Well, Kendrick, if we can start off, um, what is life look like for you today on the business side of it?

right now, business wise, to [: 00:01:00

And then move them past whatever traumatic experiences they may have. Traumatic trauma comes in different forms. And so the individuals that I work with kind of shape what that means, um, and I just kind of help them make understanding of what it is, but also, um, understand their power through their process.

Very cool. Um, you've also, you're, you're working with young professionals. You've got some organizations that, uh, that you're spearheading. Can, can you talk a little bit about that as well?

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And I help people understand the purpose of giving and receiving, um, If we stay in any state too long with the gum in the giver too long, or I'm in the receiver too long, I become out of balance. And so the giver has to learn how to receive in the receiver has to learn how to eel in order to maintain a healthy wellness in their life, um, in, in, by understanding that they can do both.

kind of shapes what I do in [: 00:03:00

If we can, let's take a sidestep. I mean, you touched on something really powerful there.

Um, what at like the extremes, both as somebody that can give, but not receive and somebody that can receive, but not give what's the risk or the, you know, like the danger of being only able to one action without the other.

So bitterness, entitlement. And unforgiveness because if on either Ian, we can get frustrated without current posture.

no one's helping or I can be [: 00:04:00

And most of the times that's not the case. The people we help are blessed, you know, most oftentimes are towards the return. It is often other people that related to their return, the favors for us, uh, in, I guess, understanding that giving really come from the heart and not for what you can receive in return so much.

Okay. [: 00:05:00

Oh, it is very common in is especially in the helping profession. So they think of the helper profession is teachers, pastors.

Counselors, um, doctors, nurses, you know, we're so used to having the answer and not having someone else be an answer for us that we lose that ability to connect with someone that has something for us. And we may not know how to ask for it. Um, and one that's one of the things that I had to learn because growing up, I grew up in a single parent household.

me and my twin brother and. [: 00:06:00

Yeah.

And I, I'm assuming that's like where a bitterness really starts to come in is when you're giving what you see somebody needs, but then you're not in a position receiving what it is that you're you're giving and you need just as much,

right? Yeah. And I wasn't receiving it because I wasn't asking.

for what we want or what we [: 00:07:00

it. Yeah, absolutely. And I'm sure you can pick out the fact that that was exactly the path that I used to take.

It was like, why is nobody not doing this back? Well, did you ask? No.

And that's the frustration, the frustration, like I'm doing this. Why isn't it coming back in? That's when the light bulbs sometimes goes out. Oh, I got to look in the mirror. Yeah,

exactly. Well, let's jump back. And, uh, what does life look like for you today on the personal side?

oing on, but now my wife, my [: 00:08:00

My time is to me is one of the greatest gifts or awards. Cause at one time I didn't always have. Yeah.

How are you able to, you talked about like with the military, how were you able to show up in that space and use like your training as far as a doctor? How does that, um, help you out in that environment?

Because, I mean, you're surrounded by people that, you know, we're, we're told in that environment normally like buck up, move on, you know, you don't display your emotions.

e of the things that kind of [: 00:09:00

It's not because I want to add a nose. Okay. And so, you know, now, um, I lead my servant cause I think I have a servant leadership mentality. My job is to always take the pressure off of the people that lead in Canada, you know, give them the overarching, you know, vision Inc just kind of shape the plan and help them understand how pieces of it.

I adapted that mentality as [: 00:10:00

You have a, a staff there's creative for you to help, you know, guide some of your decisions, but also, um, help you be responsible and respect, um, what you doing. And so by respecting everybody's opinion, what they, what they bring to the table and allow me to, I guess, you know, teach while. And then it allows other people to teach me too, but I tell people whatever role I'm in.

know, out of whack. It keeps [: 00:11:00

How do you take that servant leadership, heart and mindset, and just behavior.

How do you take that and overlay it at home, like with your wife and your children, how does that look? Because that's, you picked out your wife, your children were picked out for you kind of deal. Um, but you know, you don't have. Um, that same structure that you would in the military. How do you, how do you work that out at home?

e, but then as I look deeper [: 00:12:00

So it's the mirror again is teaching me the lesson. Okay. All right. Give being frustrated is not going to be the answer to resolve in this understanding and empowering, you know, their strength in their voice. Even if they're being stubborn is empowering. Hey, my daughters are strong, they got a voice. They can tell a dad, you know, how they feel.

And I'm like, so I started to it in Meyer. What used to frustrate. And then we have more dialogue around it. And even with my wife, with my wife being strong is how we understand each other. So relationally in this, we can be with anybody. We typically play tug of war relationship with anybody that we come in contact with.

ly is we have to understand. [: 00:13:00

Because we all have different perspectives, but we spend more time trying to convince people then understand them. And I think that's what causes some most, you know, so many challenges when we think about communication. And so as, as I get older, I shift relationally to understand. And instead of trying to get people to see that I'm right, we're trying to point out that there are.

Yeah, they could be right from their perspective.

ly and, uh, you know, take a [: 00:14:00

Um, I would imagine that's kind of the same thing you're doing there. Um, you had talked about the mirror a couple times. Can you explain like what that means and, and how you, how you use the mirror?

Okay. So, so I'll look at the mirror as with. So reflection always allows you to look, eh, you know, kind of where you being, the key we're looking at your past is you can identify patterns and you can identify all the times.

my decision-making process. [: 00:15:00

But if I learn to modify. You know, my decision making process, sometimes in this more of how I look at the perspective it was, you know, you're able to get a deeper meaning, you know, out of life. And so when life, a lot of times we blame instead of, you know, taking ownership. So I learn ownership. Is more important than blame because blame implies intentionality.

want to be involved in. Um, [: 00:16:00

Recognize that we have the answer because we're so focused on external answers. We're so focused on looking external, like looking out a glass or looking out a window to find innocence. And you're often, you know, you get confusion when you find someone else answer, which you only can find your answer in the mirror because you have to deal with you in most of the time we're out on worse.

Um, because we may a hundred percent of our decisions, you know, in our lives, you know, whether somebody may have coerced us, given us, you know, some type of manipulation, we still made the decision.

oming to the realization of, [: 00:17:00

To step into that and say, it's me like, how did you get there?

My mom used to tell me all the time growing up, you know, I was from Missouri, the show me state. And I was like, well, what, what does that mean? That's like, that doesn't make sense. So my experiences. Made me gain wisdom because I heard this pastor say we learn two ways.

eople may struggle with that.[: 00:18:00

Because at one time, I may have had that same experience in this, what my process was like in this was just how I felt during their time in this kind of what I thought about in these are the things, you know, the, that I cried out, you know, why me? Or is there follow, they did this in. And they know that that changed my situation.

But when I changed my posture in how I approached it, you know, the, in my results change. And it didn't mean that in a steel face challenges, is there, the challenges wasn't is big or they didn't hit as hard is they be when appointed. You know, when someone else, when I hear myself, you know, not to a harsh dinner, but I just feel myself accountable.

if you encounter this again, [: 00:19:00

I tell people they, you know, having a doctorate degree was really about on other doctors. To motivate them to go do it instead of, um, me saying, Hey, I'm Dr. Bailey. You know, people call more people. Call me Kenji. Now in the, before I ever done. And so I think it was just for people to see, Hey, a person, a guy like this, they experience different situations.

don't see until you talk to. [: 00:20:00

So how do you learn to take those masks off? Because wearing a mask, being in a chameleon, you know, is commonplace because we're so afraid of the judgment of other people. How do you start to set those masks down to say, this is the real. Um, when you've worn them for so long,

I think his self that's so accepting the, you may be flow, but you okay.

had except two hours in, in [: 00:21:00

And somebody in the military taught me. They listen now they didn't teach me the way I wanted to learn. They taught me through a toxic leadership in. Oh, I, I really don't have anything. I work hard. I do really good work. I take care of people. Um, yeah, I don't have anything to prove anymore. At that point in time, I let go to open that situation.

n that instance. And I start [: 00:22:00

So let me get this straight. It was a toxic environment, toxic situation, he said, right.

And yet from that you learned this valuable lesson about, you know, just being satisfied with who you are, that you're okay with you. Is that right? Yeah. So how, how do you pull something like that out of a situation where somebody, you know, it might be a toxic person, it might be a toxic situation. How do you pull out something that gives you clarity that helps you to see you in a better light, um, where other people would just be bitter and frustrated?

the more it was scrutinized, [: 00:23:00

You know, with. Because I didn't want in this with a father type archetype chickeny because I didn't want us to feel by letting it fall to somebody else. You know what I did, you know, I, I was getting promoted and I said, well, I really don't need this position anymore. So the guy that was under me, I put him in charge and.

litary, in to their position [: 00:24:00

And so then I changed what I'm doing. Freedom.

And so how did you come to the realization of like that's so con counter, like intuitive, because it's like, I must do more, especially if you're talking about, you know, like the father wound or trying to measure up and, you know, fill the gap there. Um, how did you go about.

Like really realizing that because it, it is so opposite of what you would expect rather than doubling down and investing more. How did that come about? Was it through conversations with other people or, or you just kind of went, uh, I don't have any other option.

to what someone else wanted [: 00:25:00

So I start measuring myself by other people's standards, because I would like if every of the things that I've done, I'll say, Hey, you did well, you know, you do this, you know, you mentor everybody. I was like, well, maybe. People were really intimidated by the reach of my, what I was doing is because I tried to pull everybody in it because I'm a real family oriented person.

ple pleaser in the past is I [: 00:26:00

You just can't bring balances to build it to chaotic situations. Sometimes you have to move yourself out of the chaos and then you get valid and you get stability. And that's what happened for me.

As you were having the intention of helping everybody, of making everybody happy. Did you see in stepping back, like it helped.

Give growth to those around you like that you weren't aware of or didn't expect, like, did things happen in a growth, you know, in a way of growth for those around you, that you were leading.

e was showing me, or this is [: 00:27:00

That's when everybody started rolling because. That's the piece of the enabling piece that I was taught, but sometimes the giver is really enabling and because I was so given I enabled the system in the system was chaotic because of what I brought. And so I had met. I had met the intent, what I was supposed to do.

And so it was time to transition. So whenever we use, so that's another example. Whenever you stay in a position to go, so, you know, you stay somewhere too long and you don't leave when you supposedly it can be very chaotic. And that's that's for me, that's a sign that it's time to move on. Cause like you transitioned positions.

u know, in the military. But [: 00:28:00

And so the chaos in challenging the system was letting me know it was time to take the next step to move to another level, but appreciate that. I didn't have to fight the same face that I used to buy in the past, because I only had to prove something to.

Yeah. You, you, uh, changed to what your measurement was of your value in that?

Yeah. Yeah. And then I had to, that system taught me the importance of for evenings.

actly where I was wanting to [: 00:29:00

That's where forgiveness really came from.

Cool. So what did you find that you needed to forgive coming out of that situation?

That, you know, people are going to be people just because I make roll at a faster pace, or I may look at things in a different way.

It doesn't mean that. Their processes wrong is I had to recognize that everybody had a process and I couldn't expect me out of people. I had these big people to be who they work and that's one of the things I had to learn. And it kind of shifted the giver receiver relationship to when I stopped expecting me out of people, everything became different too.

It became better.

rgiveness, how long did that [: 00:30:00

Oh, it took about 12 to 18 months, really struggling with debt because I wanted to quit. I wanted to I'm advocating angry and bitter.

Um, And then I had to think about what my wife told me. And it was funny. She was like, well, you chose to do it. Like, you know what? You're right. You're right. So she was like, you don't, she was like, don't complain about it because he'd be like, you could have done this, but you chose to stay in and do this with your, the other group because you wanted to finish what you started.

process because, you know, I [: 00:31:00

You know, you've talked about. Forgiveness and bitterness. So if I have unforgiveness towards like a parent, my wife, you know, a coworker, you know, friend, how does bitterness tie back into that and come about?

So I guess it goes back to the hurt, the email experience from that situation or that relationship. And then, um, with the bitterness out, I tell you a bit as always it's near, when people gave more of themselves and they were supposed to. And so when you look at the, you know, forgiveness and you look at bitterness with relationships, um, You look at, have you ever offended anyone?

Have you ever heard [: 00:32:00

The hook for what they did, what you are giving them some grace by saying, get this happened. That's the humanity in us. Sometimes we offend and we hurt people knowingly and unknown. And you can, if they apologize, there's great. People don't have to apologize for you to. And if you can forgive someone without them apologizing to you, I think you've taken a significant step.

There [: 00:33:00

And then I always tell people, even though it's something may disagree, I say true forgiveness equals forgetting. So it's not that you're going to forget the memory of what happened is you forget to keep looking to the past and focusing on it in re traumatized. Or retreating yourself over and over.

u shift that pain to purpose [: 00:34:00

Right. Exactly. I don't think there's anybody that's gotten away without any. And so, yeah, we can all understand it and have that, uh, that association. So what is, you've gone through your journey of, you know, forgiveness and taking ownership and, and stepping back and understanding your worth is tied to, you know, like the position or performance, like.

h, Equipment, you know, like [: 00:35:00

Okay. So it's, it was a good book for me that I read last year. It's called emotional intelligence.

Me, I'm sorry. Relational intelligence by Dr. Derek Daniels. Um, it's a great book. Um, he, he talks about different relationships, friendships, acquaintances assignments in a box. And putting people in different categories in understanding how we can sometimes have people in the wrong categories, which it can also in, by putting people in their perspective per category or category, the right kind of mood can shift things to forgiveness.

Um, I think. So there was a [: 00:36:00

there's one of the guy like [: 00:37:00

So the why's the love things of forgiveness and, um, guilt and fatherlessness. Over the last few years, there really was important for me. Um, because fatherlessness was a significant piece of why I struggle with my identity. And then this picture behind me, it kind of shapes a lot of what I do. So I tell people we're kind of like a blank slate.

t a, you get a, you get them [: 00:38:00

Um, because. We don't really understand where we came from as far as really digging down relationally, you know, who our parents are and how they became who they are, where they are, how their interaction, whether, um, overwhelming or underwhelming, how he shaped us or impacted us. And I think that's what.

lot of things. And then, um, [: 00:39:00

Bruce's his name? He has like Sam, Bruce ministries. Uh, A lot of things that he was showing us focused on. True north in true. Is you being aligned with what you were destined to do or what you would call to do, uh, from a spiritual standpoint. So I see kind of what I do as a therapist, you know, to me, it's a gift because just like playing musical instruments is as a gift.

I have that allows me to do [: 00:40:00

And so a lot of things I had to unlearn as far as the book and really just tap into raw emotions.

No, I'm sitting here going, and we can go in so many different directions with what you're sharing, you know, about the getting your eyes and your nose and everything. And talking about the master earlier. I'm like we can go a lot of different directions.

Kendra. I looked out my mask, at least I was a comedian at one time I could wear.

just read about it, but, uh, [: 00:41:00

So, if you want to find me, um, I have a app progress page on Facebook scout app progress.

And, uh, we have over probably a hundred videos that we went live in the past and just spoke on different topics. So that's one way to find me, you can find me on our website, um, our progress CC, um, our progress that. Uh, we also have an Instagram page that would not here hear the old as far as I progress.

ike an hour, hour and a half [: 00:42:00

So. The thing is they'll do we mean, and fatherlessness, there's going to be a workshop and eventually a podcast to debt. Um, I have, um, uh, no junk food conversations. It's kind of like, what we're doing today is us having real talks about different topics and that's typically like an hour and a half, and then I have a combos with.

t submission is is we remove.[: 00:43:00

You know, our ego and selfish ways are the relationships and do what's best for the relationship and empower one another. That's kind of what I talk about as far as submission, you know, most people think, Hey, are you, you me? I'm in control and that's not, submission is not my control. Um, and so I have fun with this.

You know, look forward to, you know, here, you know, kind of what our progress is doing on a bigger scale, um, over the next six to 12 months. And, and then, um, I try to take every opportunity to jump on any of PI cares that, you know, give me, I guess, the ability to share, you know, kind of my experiences. Um, and I'm thankful for that.

And one season I wasn't on any this season, I've been doing a lot. And, uh, so I think it was a blessing. Yeah,

[: 00:44:00

So it's it's to the health of each other, not the detriment. So what Kendrick, thank you for so much for joining me, Sharon, you know, like the forgiveness and the mirror and the lessons you've learned, uh, really appreciate it. So thank you for joining me today.

I thank you for having me. And like I said, anytime you want me to come back home, I'm gay.

I have fun. It seems like going on a few minutes and I was floating by

exactly. Well, thank you my friend. Thank you.