Work Life Balance Boundaries : From Burnout and Self-Sabotage To Building Meaningful Relationships with Eric Nehrlick

Mike Forrester: [: 00:00:00

Eric Nehrlich: I'm doing pretty well. It's a Friday afternoon as we record and looking forward to the weekend?

Mike Forrester: Yeah. Got big plans for the weekend?

Eric Nehrlich: I mean, [: 00:02:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. Especially when it's like you get to hang out, you know, kind of be present, uh, and just strengthen those relationships. I mean, that's something that we don't do often enough or have those relationships to really invest in. So, no, that's vital, man. I'm glad to hear it. So let's start out, Eric, what does life look like for you on the professional side of life today?

oks like the things that the [: 00:03:00

Mike Forrester: themselves.

Yeah, the way I've heard it put is it's hard to change things when you're on the inside of the bottle. You can't read the label and everything that's going on. So it's almost like we have a blind spot. Like when we're driving, right? You got mirrors, but there's still blind spots. And having somebody like you to make us more aware is what we need to be able to go, Hey, did you realize you're doing this? No, not at all. So, very cool.

Eric Nehrlich: Absolutely. And you're doing the thing again. Did you notice how you're doing the thing again?

I can't see that, but it's, [: 00:04:00

Eric Nehrlich: Yeah.

personal side for you, Eric? [: 00:05:00

Eric Nehrlich: Uh, on the personal side, I'm married with two kids. My kids are two and a half and almost five. So that's, uh, at an age where there are a lot of work, but a lot of fun. Um, and yeah, I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, uh, and, uh, I don't know, that's basically it. That, that's pretty much all I have time for. I guess, you know, parenting and working is a lot for me right now.

Mike Forrester: Yeah. It definitely keeps you busy. I mean, family, work, and then it's like trying to get some, you know, time for yourself. It's one of those carving it out, being intentional, just like you're doing this weekend, getting together with the guys and going, Hey, I need some time for me to be the best I can, you know, at home and at work, so.

Eric Nehrlich: Absolutely.

timeframe. And if I remember [: 00:06:00

Eric Nehrlich: I wasn't in the hospital, but yeah, it was 103 degree fever where it's just knocked me out. Like I was in bed for a week, but no, it didn't, didn't feel bad enough to go to the hospital. Just.

Mike Forrester: Okay. My bad.

Eric Nehrlich: Um, no worries.

Mike Forrester: But it still knocked you off your feet. I'm like, man, that's, that's when your body's like going, okay, we tried giving you hints, Eric. You just not listening and it takes a more extreme. How, how did you get to that point?

except that Google is one of [: 00:07:00

Mike Forrester: I was going to say, it's, it's one of those, man, we can get into our head where it's like, I'm expecting, the book, the earth to fall out underneath me, right? You just continue to push and push and push. And for me, I was working, um, you know, not a hundred hours a week, but I was definitely working quite a few. And for years I was only sleeping four hours a night and it took a toll on my body and I'm still working to get out from underneath it. But there was this drive for like validation. Because [00:11:00] of insecurities, right? A lack of self worth. And I've seen that in a lot of other men as well, where it's like, we'll drive and drive and drive looking for that confirmation, that validation, but it's like short lived. Is that something like that you feel was part of what you were trying to get to as well as if I get this promotion, I get this job, then I will be okay. I'll be, you know, that Eric with a gold star, so to speak?

ke a student talking to your [: 00:12:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. Now, like that feeling of freedom, um, did it come immediately or was that like a longer process in getting to that point? Where it's like, Hey, I feel this weight is lifted off of me and, you know, like, you're expecting the end of the world, the bottom to drop out, you know, just like, [00:13:00] oh, my gosh, and that stuff doesn't happen. Like, was that immediate or did it take a bit to recognize it?

it turned into like, wow, I [: 00:14:00

Mike Forrester: Time to breathe.

Eric Nehrlich: Yeah.

Mike Forrester: So as that's unraveling, right? It's revealing to you, hey, this is actually a good thing. Was was there also like a recognition that came with it? Like we had talked about a few minutes ago of what's driving, um, those actions to work 100 hours a week. Did that come about from that, or was that something later on that, that, that was the epiphany there?

iving force that was for me. [: 00:15:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. But I mean, you're in that process of, you know, the earth not falling out from underneath you, it's challenging those lies and false beliefs that you've been brought up with. And so I think that's like a great first step for many of us. Is just, oh, my gosh, you know, just like you talked about these negative consequences, right? They didn't come about. Instead, it's like, there's, there's space. There's freedom. I feel lighter in my stress load.

nt on a bike camping trip. I [: 00:16:00

Mike Forrester: So if, if I was just stepping out of a role like that, right? So I come out of an IT background. If I was just stepping out of something like that, Eric, what could I do to begin that process of building that confidence and the courage? Like you've talked about going to India for three weeks when your buddy bails or, you know, [00:17:00] learning all these new things, what can I do that that is a good first step to start building that courage, that confidence to then take bigger steps down the road?

e. And the whole point is to [: 00:18:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. It's a, it's almost one of those go do juggling, right? Watch the YouTube video, learn how to juggle, learn that, you know, not doing it perfect out of the gates doesn't make you a failure. There's grace to continue, you know, learning, doing and, you know, not doing it right. But to continue, you know, persevering. And I love how that just you're like, I don't have to take, um, like paragliding, right? I don't have to take something, uh, hang gliding off of a cliff and just, you know, something dangerous, large. It can be, you know, small steps to get there, baby steps, almost to just start building that, that belief and [00:19:00] that confidence to go from there.

, just have one conversation.[: 00:20:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. It doesn't have to be large, just tangible, take action. Let's, let's jump to where you were, um, kind of coming to this point of discovery of like self sabotage in your relationships. You talk about the singleness and dating for, you know, like three and four months and just things don't have that traction. And it will, you'll often hear people say, Oh, that's just the way I am. You know, I'm, things are never going to change. That's just me. You've proved that to be wrong because you went from that point to now where it's like you're married, you've got children. So how did you like discover, Hey, I'm doing this and it is having negative consequences in my life to, to get you to where you're at now?

self hopelessly single. Like [: 00:21:00

Mike Forrester: I was going to say, it's kind of one of those of, let me just cut my time of, uh, 4 months of disappointment on both sides and actually put out the real me. If it works, great. If it doesn't, we know off the bat.

Eric Nehrlich: [: 00:24:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah When you ended up like, realizing that you were putting so much pressure on yourself, you know right out of the gate going, hey is this you know, um, is this young lady like marriage material? Um, when you stopped doing that, did you see that the first dates went different? Not just for you, but also for the, the lady that you're meeting with? Like, she's more relaxed?

y, this is who I am, take it [: 00:25:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. It's a novel concept that although we think we're fooling everybody, we're the only ones being fooled. Because it's like that tension, these emotions, you know the energy, it's picked up by the people around us and they can see stuff more than we believe that we're letting on, right? So our body will tell the truth, even if we're not wanting to.

a much less healthy fashion. [: 00:26:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. Definitely agreed. As you were going to, you know, therapy, did the, did the counselor kind of like as she's they, he or she, sorry, as they're going through the process with you, did they lead you into discovering what self sabotage is? Or was it something that, was kind of like this light bulb that went off for you, you know, as you're like, Hey, that, that's not good. That's not right. I mean, how did that all come about being revealed to you? Like that, you know, that, that was what you were doing inadvertently.

e was like, well, how did he [: 00:27:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. We mirror and behave as we've had it, you know, given to us as an example, so it's, it's not uncommon, it's actually more common than not for us to show up in that way. Because many of us have had that absent dad, right? Dad's there, but dad's not involved there. And [00:28:00] so we're left to like, just go, okay, if that's how dad is, that's how I should be. And we act what we've seen, you know, we're just, um, acting out the play as we've had the, the role shown to us.

Eric Nehrlich: Absolutely.

Mike Forrester: So, yeah, right? So from that point, once you were aware of it, um, how did you go about, you know, remapping or disconnecting like that self sabotage process? I mean, how did you go about responding differently, um, within those relationships?

ou know, degree from a fancy [: 00:29:00

Mike Forrester: That makes sense, man. You marry yourself, it doesn't go so well.

Eric Nehrlich: Oh my God. It took me a long time to figure that one out. That I was not the right person for me to be dating, but I eventually got there.

Mike Forrester: I was going to say you, you realize and acted upon it. That's like the big thing, Eric. I mean, how many of us don't realize, or if we do, then it's like, nah, that's really not what I want to adjust to. I, I want to stick with what I want. You know, it just brings different pain and, and consequences then you would, you know, experience if, like, you made the transition and adjusted like you, you've done yourself. So, yeah.

idn't end up in a, you know, [: 00:32:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah, I understand that. Well, let's jump further ahead. Um, so right as Covid was kicking off and, and you've, you know, your family dynamic is changing. It was one of those that, um, life was different between like, uh, what you had experienced and where you were at and you kind of felt, you know, found yourself at a place where it's like, okay, I'm not in the relationships like I'm used to much like many of us that, you know, we're working in corporate or in a position we go home, then it's like, okay, I don't have everybody around me anymore. You found yourself understandably and quite commonly, at a place of being lonely and, and not really having those relationships and friendships around you like you're [00:33:00] used to.

Eric Nehrlich: Mm-Hmm.

Mike Forrester: How did you, you know, begin working that out to say, okay, now I, I'm aware of this and I wanna solve it? How did you go about, you know, um, changing the situation?

e we're at the same stage of [: 00:34:00

Mike Forrester: You've got to prioritize it and then be intentional about how you're spending your time, right? It's much like a checkbook, how we spend our money. You need to be intentional about spending our time as well. And that makes such a difference. And yeah, I can see, you know, your friends, their kids are going to like, you know, Yale, but yours is going to like Yale daycare. Little bit of a difference. Just slight, but you know.

Eric Nehrlich: Just different stages of life. You know, it's fine.

Mike Forrester: Absolutely.

. You want to take them? You [: 00:37:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. And, and that's like that emptiness syndrome. I think it was almost like spring, you know, that we've had sometimes where it's like in a matter of six hours, you go from, you know, winter to summer because it's like, we're kind of in this sandwich season of caring for a parent, you know, a parent. And then, um, we've also got right now we've got one child that's at home, you know, and so, um, yeah, it's, it's been a different season. One more moved out and, you know, we're like, I think empty nest is just like a unicorn, you know, it's very mythical, doesn't really exist, spoken about just in hushed tones, but, uh, it's, it's almost like, yeah, you know, that gold star that you always hear about if you work a hundred hours? Yeah, same kind of thing. So, um, well, Eric, man, I want to thank you for joining me. Coming to share your story, the insights, the way you've [00:38:00] transitioned from, you know, letting those, um, the insecurities that we feel, letting them be healed and how you can set up boundaries, the self sabotage, how we can move beyond that and change. It's not just, you know, who we are is not who we have to continue being. And then, you know, being self aware, right? You realize you were lonely. Okay, now how do I take action? And that action is how we can bring about that positive, um, those positive consequences, right? Those, uh, the change in environments. So thank you. I appreciate it, Eric. And, uh, how can men connect with you outside of this podcast?

book. Uh, You Have A Choice: [: 00:39:00

Mike Forrester: So what is you, uh, You Have A Choice about like, what's the premise and what, what will it help me change in my life?

Eric Nehrlich: It's basically everything we've been talking about in this, uh, in this podcast. It's looking at these unconscious beliefs, these blind spots and seeing how you are the person keeping yourself stuck. You're building your own cages and then taking the reader through a set of exercises and questions and reflections to uncover those cages. And then one chapter is literally called experiment and learn. Let's try some experiments, let's try some actions and learn what we can do differently. So that we can find a new way forward. So that's, that's the idea behind it. But it's basically everything we've been talking about in this podcast.

ross the new country, right? [: 00:40:00

Eric Nehrlich: No, like one of my recent experiments was like, I had a really great coffee with somebody I used to work with. And it was like this big experiment. Like I reached out to him and said, like. I had a good time. Can we do this again in a month or two? Like that was a big, scary moment for me.

Mike Forrester: That's cool.

Eric Nehrlich: And he said, yes, it was, but it was just kind of like for that moment. I was like, Ooh, I feel really weird. Like being the one that reaches out and I was like, let me try it. So that's, that's could be as the experiment, just like one email of like two line email.

Mike Forrester: Yeah. And oftentimes the other people are scared too, but it's like, it's not that you're not scared, you're just taking the initiative and going, I'm going to do this in spite of the fear and give it a shot and see what happens. And it causes you to grow and gives you an opportunity to meet with your friends since he said yes in another month or two. So it's a win win.

y and I need more connection [: 00:41:00

Mike Forrester: Absolutely. I love it. Well, Eric, thank you so much, my friend.

Eric Nehrlich: Thank you, Mike. I've really enjoyed our conversation. Thanks for having me on the show.

Mike Forrester: My pleasure.​