The Truth About Breaking The Cycle Of Childhood Trauma with D'Angelo Stefani

Mike Forrester: 00:00:01

Well, hello and welcome back, my friend.

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This week, I'm being joined by D'Angelo Stefani and D'Angelo has had this

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transformation that just goes from one where you want to be the victim.

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You have the reasons to be a victim to where he made a decision.

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And you can see that time.

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You can see that milestone of where he made that decision and said, I'm going

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to take this, you know, life, this path into my own hands and be accountable for

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where I go, regardless of what happened.

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And it doesn't make it right.

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It doesn't make it easy.

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You know it, but it's one of those that.

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You just get to that line in the sand where you're like, no more, I'm done.

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I want something different.

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I want something better and I want something that's, that's

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what I want for my life.

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And you're going to see that in D'Angelo's story here and uh,

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just really excited to dive in.

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D'Angelo, how are you doing today?

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My friend?

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D'Angelo Stefani: I'm good.

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How are you doing?

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Doing great.

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I appreciate it, buddy.

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Thanks for joining me here.

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So absolutely.

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Well, let me jump off in the first question of asking you, D'Angelo,

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what does life look like for you today on the professional side of things?

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D'Angelo Stefani: Today, I am a founder and publisher of Haven House Publishing.

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We do sort of like my stories, you know, those have overcame obstacles,

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challenges in life, and we let them tell their story in hopes it reaches

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somebody that really needs to hear it.

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Um, you know, life is good right now.

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I'm putting books out.

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I'm spreading the word of hope and, and not, not dwelling in my past anymore.

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So things are good.

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Yeah, and that's so powerful is where it's like, you're

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able to kind of make that change.

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You're not dwelling on the past, but it's like, this is my past.

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And um, dude, in our conversation, I mean, it's one of those, it's like, Hey, this

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is what went on, but this isn't who I am.

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And I love that aspect because that's so powerful and it just

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like you've made that change.

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It allows us to make that shift and have a different life like you're

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talking about that you're living now.

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Um, what does it look like right now on the personal side of things?

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D'Angelo Stefani: Wow.

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Believe it or not.

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I'm, I've, uh, I'm married and I have a daughter and two sons and

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my wife's a mental health nurse.

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She's, um, been my rock.

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You know, I've, I've been in other relationships that in my lifestyle in the

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past don't last for more than probably, A month, you know, and this is the girl

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that I could be honest with about my past, she accepts me, she accepts what happened

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and we're all about moving forward and that's what, that's what I've needed

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in my entire life is somebody to just kick me in the butt when I get down, you

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know, and just say, Hey, you're better than this, let's just keep it moving.

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So personally, that's.

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That's why I got a great group of friends that are supportive and just life is good.

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Like I told you beforehand, I went floating on the river for the first time

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and I just couldn't believe I would look around and say, these are my friends.

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These are really my friends.

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You know, they're not.

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Drug addicts.

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They're not dis they're all professional working people.

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And personally, my life is what I've always wanted it to be.

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Yeah.

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And you've moved from Boston.

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You're now out in Oklahoma.

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And, uh, we're kind of talking about the change and the shift

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and, um, Yeah, that's, that's a definite culture shift there, man.

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D'Angelo Stefani: Oh, the people here are so nice though, I'll tell you that.

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And it's, it's, that's who they are.

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You know, you know, I haven't heard the F word one time since I've been

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here when asking for directions.

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So, you know, I'm just like, this is where I need to be.

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This is perfect.

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Oh, it totally works out.

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Well, D'Angelo, let's, let's take a step back and kind of look at things.

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Cause there was a time where it was really, really rough.

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Um, And it's, it's one of those we can look at, you know, it's, we're not

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stuck with who we are, like you have proven that because if we went off of,

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you know, the, the belief or the, the excuse that we can set out there, and

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I did this myself a hundred times over where it was, you know, I am who I am.

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This is all I'm going to be D'Angelo, you.

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With where you were and the things that, you know, the, the actions

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and decisions you had made, you're like 180 degrees from that, man.

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Like, I would never have guessed like that.

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What?

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No, that must have been like, he did that for a movie or something.

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That must have been a role he filled.

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Right?

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What, what was it?

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Like, you know, um, that, that kind of set you up on that path before you

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made that, that decision of I'm done.

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I want something different.

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D'Angelo Stefani: Well, I guess we start when I was five, you know, I just, I

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grew up in a home with drug addicts.

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My parents would put drugs in my bottle.

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So I think I became a drug addict at the age of five, you know, four or five.

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And later on in life, that, that switch was flicked on again.

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And I just became a full blown heroin addict.

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You know, I, I had a part in my life when about 19, 20 to 22, I

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actually went to nursing school.

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And I got my RN license and I still hadn't dealt with my childhood.

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I still kept those excuses in my pocket.

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You know, I kept, you know, this is why I do drugs and people would say, Oh, that's

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expected knowing where you came from.

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You know, you know, you grew up like that.

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One, one expects one to become a drug addict.

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So I played, I played those cards for a long time.

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And, um, I traded in my stethoscope for a needle and started shooting heroin.

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Cause that's how I was dealing with my past.

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I didn't deal with it head on.

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I didn't even try to talk to anybody about it.

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I would do the exact opposite.

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You know, D'Angelo came from a perfect family, you know, um, his parents were

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well off, they did this, they did that, when in reality I was homeless at seven

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years old, I was living in unlocked cars.

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On the streets by myself and, you know, in and out of juvenile hall, because

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it was much better than where I came from, you know, much better than my

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father's hands or my stepmother's mouth, you know, anything was better.

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So, and I carried that into my adulthood.

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I said, you know what, when things get bad, I'm going to pull one of

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these cards out and I'm going to do something stupid and they're going to

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understand why I do it, but it gets old.

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It really does.

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What had happened was I moved to Vegas and I met a girl the next day we got married.

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And the day after that, we robbed the first of 13 banks.

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And it just went on for a month and a half.

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And finally the FBI caught up to us and I ended up going to

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federal prison for 13 years.

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Uh, while I was in federal prison, you know, I, you don't really get a chance to

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work on yourself in prison, especially in the maximum security yard where I was at,

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because you're too busy trying to survive.

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You know, there's no time for reflection.

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There's no time for plans for tomorrow.

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You're dealing with right here, right now, today.

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But when I was able to move to a lower custody.

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I actually got a chance to stop and spend a lot of time with myself,

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which was always uncomfortable for me.

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I hated myself.

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I blamed my childhood on myself, but I started thinking, you know what, D'Angelo?

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There's, there's gotta be something better.

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This is getting so old.

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So I was tired of overdosing.

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I've died three times.

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Um, just.

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Tired of relationships that were built around the chaos that we shared, whether

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it was drugs or whether it was crime.

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And I just said, enough's enough.

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You know, there's gotta be a way I cannot be released.

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The same person I was coming in.

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And the hard part was I didn't even know who I was coming in.

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I didn't know.

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I thought I was the D'Angelo bank robber.

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I didn't, I never got a chance to figure out who I really was, but over time, I

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figured it out and I don't have all the answers, but I'm, um, I'm doing good.

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I really am.

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Yeah.

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I think that loss of identity and like having those excuses, those

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cards, like you talked about, um, those cards are more of like what we,

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we identify with versus more knowing who we are because we get lost.

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So much in just that day to day survival, um, as you started kind of

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delving into who is D'Angelo, like what were some of the first things

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that you figured out and like what was the process of figuring that out?

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D'Angelo Stefani: It began with actually being honest not only with myself but

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with the counselors that I would see or the therapist and the first thing that

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hit me was My childhood was not my fault.

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You know, I was just a kid, you know, I didn't ask for that.

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I didn't, I dang near didn't want that.

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I wanted a normal childhood.

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I never, I never got a chance to be a kid.

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So sometimes in my adulthood, I would still act like a kid.

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Cause there were things that I never got to experience.

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I never went to the high school dance, you know, I, I got my GDE 15, you know, I just

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being honest with others and letting them know that, you know, I, this

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is not what I want anymore was the catalyst for who I am today.

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I know for myself and, and some of the guys that I've coached,

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like going from that self loathing, that self hatred, that often forgiveness,

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you know, we think of forgiveness is like towards other people, right?

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The people that have hurt us and wronged us along the way, but there's also some

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shame or guilt towards ourself and.

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You know, how you're kind of realizing, you know, talking

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through the process and realizing, Hey, I didn't have my childhood.

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Was there forgiveness that you did towards yourself that helped you

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kind of like break free of like the negative feelings towards yourself?

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D'Angelo Stefani: Oh, definitely.

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Definitely.

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Once I begin the process of forgiving myself, I would write down things,

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incidents that happened in my childhood.

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Um, my parents putting drugs in my bottle.

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Check.

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Not my fault.

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Um, my dad consistently belittling and physically abusing.

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Not my fault.

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You know, whereas before I carried around a bag full of reasons why my

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dad did that, and that's where the self hate comes in, you know, he did

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this because I wasn't good enough or because whatever the reason was,

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yeah.

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And how did, like, how did you see as the forgiveness came about that it then

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changed your thinking about yourself to kind of help you move forward?

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Did you, was that something you experienced?

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D'Angelo Stefani: Yeah, it was, it was, I think it began, began physically.

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I would walk with my head a little higher, you know, I wouldn't mind looking

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at myself in the mirror and I didn't see the same little boy my dad saw.

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You know, now I was seeing somebody that Was weird.

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Cause I was, even though I was in prison, I was supposed to be where I was at.

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This had to happen and I accepted it and I had two choices, continue

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work or grab those excuses and start feeling sorry for myself again.

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You know, a big thing in my life was I never knew my mom.

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I always, I grew up thinking my stepmom was my mom until

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I found my birth certificate.

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So I searched high and low for my mom, high and low.

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And now I'm at a point where who cares?

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She did whatever she thought she had to do.

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Just like I've done what I thought I had to do.

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I hope she's well, I hope she's okay, but I don't need to hold on to that no more.

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And I am doing that.

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I've let go a huge part of the way I see myself.

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When you look back at, you know, you're getting ready to be

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released from prison, where do you see like the biggest transformation and change

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was for you versus when you went in and kind of had that victim mindset, right?

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That it's not just a physical prison, but it's then you've also got your

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own mental and emotional prison.

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Like, you're now getting ready to be physically released what had

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been released internally for you.

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D'Angelo Stefani: I think the biggest thing was I stopped living in the now,

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you know, I, I knew that I had to have a plan, not only did I have a plan,

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I had to have a backup plan and a backup plan of that and a backup plan

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of that because I'm a convicted felon on paper, I'm an armed bank robber,

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I have kidnapping charges, I have threatening, I may have a lot on paper.

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I look like a really bad person.

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So I imagine myself putting that in front of an employer.

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You know, heck no, you're not getting a job.

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There's no way.

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So what's my backup plan to that?

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So I started to stop.

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I stopped living in the now and I started planning for the future

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and I wrote down step by step what I was going to do when I get out.

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And if that didn't work, well then I'm going to do this.

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Luckily when I got out, I had a job two days later.

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I hit the ground running when I got out.

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I really did.

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And, you know, I've, I've had a lot of setbacks, a lot of obstacles I've had

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to, but instead of trying to run through them, I'd stop, you know, can I go over?

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Can I go under?

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Can I go around?

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How do I get across this obstacle?

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And it's, it's worked out.

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It really has.

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I, I'm, I believe in myself now.

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Before I got out of, when I was getting ready to get out of

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prison, that's one thing I learned too, is have belief in myself.

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You know, if I don't believe in myself, who else is going to?

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Yeah.

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And to be able to look at yourself and.

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Even when those times of doubt come about to then recenter and kind of like

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Reinsist almost I don't know how else to you know really say it But that's

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that's kind of what it feels like because you're like, I don't really feel like

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this but you this is who I am now Right

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D'Angelo Stefani: exactly.

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So when you look back And it's like other guys that were in prison,

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um, didn't have like that, that same mindset and not just looking at the here

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and now, but like you had the backup plan to the backup plan to the backup plan.

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You're looking, you know, longer term.

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What do you see?

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Um, In their actions of not having that plan, did they kind of repeat the same

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pattern or like what happened for them?

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D'Angelo Stefani: I've stayed in contact with quite a few guys

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because believe it or not, you meet a lot of good people in prison.

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And like you said, you just, you're, you make, you're either the product of

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your environment within those are your beliefs or you play the cards you're

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given, you know, what I see guys had a lot of guys in there that, oh, um,

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I can't get out and get a job because I'm a felon and they've returned to

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prison because they're still in that mindset that they can't do nothing.

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I remember being in prison and I said, you know what, when I get out,

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I'm either getting my nursing license back, or I'm working in some, some

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form of health care, or I'm going to start my own publishing business.

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I've done two out of three.

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After being told time and time again, you can't do it.

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You're not going to be able to do it.

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That's your beliefs.

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Those aren't my beliefs.

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And that's, and that's not even reality because you don't

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know what's going to happen.

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So I, you can tell the guys in prison that, well, then you have

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the guys in prison that say, Oh, when I get out, I'm going to do

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this and this and this and that.

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And they shoot so big that when they don't reach that, they go back to where

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they were and they return to prison.

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Oftentimes it seems like.

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Our family and friends can be the ones that are the most critical or doubting

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of, you know, what we share of, Hey, this is the direction I'm going.

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Was there like something you did different when it came to friends or

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family that doubted you or, or were like naysayers so that you're like, Hey,

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you believe what you want to believe.

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This is what I'm after.

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Was there something different that you handled them?

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Like uniquely, or was it just the same as somebody off the street?

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D'Angelo Stefani: Well, I didn't, honestly, friends and family didn't

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exist for me getting out of prison.

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I had nobody, nobody, but I always let my actions show while I was in prison.

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I was the one at the library.

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I was the one ordering all the books needed to, to do what I want to do.

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You know, I mean, this is not going to come to you.

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You have to work for it.

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So the family and friends, I got out of the halfway house.

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I had nobody, I had 20 dollars to my name.

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I was in, uh, in a state where I knew nobody because in the, in the federal

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system, you go back to the, you go back to where you're sentenced out of.

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So I'm at the halfway house with nobody.

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I don't know anybody, but I still have my beliefs and doubt crept in now and

Mike Forrester: 00:18:15

then, but I, like I said, I hit the ground running and I haven't looked back since

Mike Forrester: 00:18:20

how have you kept making like growth and that forward momentum

Mike Forrester: 00:18:26

kind of getting to that point of, Hey, I'm, I'm, you know, now publishing

Mike Forrester: 00:18:32

books and you know, you're, you said you're hitting two out of the three.

Mike Forrester: 00:18:35

D'Angelo Stefani: Yeah.

Mike Forrester: 00:18:36

How have you stayed on that path?

Mike Forrester: 00:18:40

D'Angelo Stefani: Consistency, consistency in not only my actions, but my beliefs,

Mike Forrester: 00:18:45

you know, I don't let, I try not to let negative negativity enter my life, of

Mike Forrester: 00:18:52

course it's going to happen now and then.

Mike Forrester: 00:18:54

But I, I always try to learn something from people I meet and I, and instead

Mike Forrester: 00:18:59

of just jumping on my emotions, I think that's what it is mostly.

Mike Forrester: 00:19:04

I stopped living by my emotions.

Mike Forrester: 00:19:07

I stopped letting somebody else dictate whether or not I have a good or bad

Mike Forrester: 00:19:10

day or even whether or not I succeed.

Mike Forrester: 00:19:13

You know, because at the end of the day, it's up to me, you know, like you said,

Mike Forrester: 00:19:16

naysayers can say this, they can say that employers can say no, but you know

Mike Forrester: 00:19:21

what, if I keep going and keep and not give up, somebody is going to say yes.

Mike Forrester: 00:19:28

Yeah, that perseverance and resiliency can be your best friends.

Mike Forrester: 00:19:34

D'Angelo Stefani: There is, there is nothing, and I promise you this

Mike Forrester: 00:19:37

Mike, there is nothing that I could go through today that is any worse

Mike Forrester: 00:19:42

than what I went through as a kid.

Mike Forrester: 00:19:45

Nothing.

Mike Forrester: 00:19:45

I survived that.

Mike Forrester: 00:19:47

I could survive anything.

Mike Forrester: 00:19:50

Do you see it almost as like, what you've experienced kind of

Mike Forrester: 00:19:55

gave you a special ability, I don't know, a strength to now be able to Persevere

Mike Forrester: 00:20:04

and keep going when others would, would quit or say, Hey, I've had enough.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:09

I mean, do you, do you see that that kind of, now that your perspective has

Mike Forrester: 00:20:14

changed and you're, you're on a positive aspect, has that kind of been that fuel?

Mike Forrester: 00:20:20

D'Angelo Stefani: Definitely.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:21

I mean, I remember as a kid going through something and I would say, that's enough.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:25

I can't take any more, but yet it would progress.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:29

And so.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:30

I would be, I can't take anymore now and it would go further.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:33

And so now as an adult, you know, everything is just so small, you

Mike Forrester: 00:20:39

know, whether it's before somebody cut me off in traffic, Oh, it's, it's,

Mike Forrester: 00:20:43

we're going to have problems now.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:45

Now I don't care.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:46

I get, I have, I don't care attitude, but it's positive.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:49

I don't care.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:50

It's not, I don't care what happens to me.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:51

It's, I don't care about the little things because I'm focused

Mike Forrester: 00:20:55

and I made a promise to myself.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:56

I will never go back to prison.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:58

There's no way.

Mike Forrester: 00:20:59

I'm like, I, I was rehabbed when they put the handcuffs on me.

Mike Forrester: 00:21:03

They didn't even have to send me to prison.

Mike Forrester: 00:21:04

I, I learned my lesson.

Mike Forrester: 00:21:06

I'm good.

Mike Forrester: 00:21:07

So I just, I don't know.

Mike Forrester: 00:21:09

I'm happy today.

Mike Forrester: 00:21:10

You know, it's, I can't explain it.

Mike Forrester: 00:21:12

I just, I'm happy.

Mike Forrester: 00:21:14

Yeah, it's one of those of your, your perspective

Mike Forrester: 00:21:17

and gratitude is there, whereas before it was like those excuses are

Mike Forrester: 00:21:22

almost like so readily available.

Mike Forrester: 00:21:25

It's, it's like, why practice gratitude when I've got this, you know, this

Mike Forrester: 00:21:30

ace up my sleeve, so to speak.

Mike Forrester: 00:21:33

You talked about your identity, you know, being something that was

Mike Forrester: 00:21:36

coming about and being uncovered.

Mike Forrester: 00:21:39

And then you've also talked about awareness of like things around you,

Mike Forrester: 00:21:43

um, you know, your thought patterns, uh, what's going on, where you want to go.

Mike Forrester: 00:21:49

How did you like really begin to practice that?

Mike Forrester: 00:21:53

And focus on, Hey, I'm aware of what's going on, how I'm thinking, where I want

Mike Forrester: 00:21:59

to get so that your, um, perseverance and that resiliency that you've got, you

Mike Forrester: 00:22:05

know, you're able to utilize it to the, to the, you know, the best that you can.

Mike Forrester: 00:22:11

D'Angelo Stefani: Right.

Mike Forrester: 00:22:12

Well, I, I, I think that I, I would always keep my past in the rear view

Mike Forrester: 00:22:17

mirror, but there, so I can see it.

Mike Forrester: 00:22:20

So when I would encounter a situation, I knew it was down the other road.

Mike Forrester: 00:22:25

Like I, I kept that first and forefront.

Mike Forrester: 00:22:27

I knew by making this choice, that's the way I was going to go.

Mike Forrester: 00:22:31

Stopping and thinking and weighing my options.

Mike Forrester: 00:22:36

Um, not living by my emotions was stuff I had never practiced.

Mike Forrester: 00:22:40

I never even heard of that stuff.

Mike Forrester: 00:22:41

Like that was like a foreign language.

Mike Forrester: 00:22:44

Wait, stop and think, what are you talking about?

Mike Forrester: 00:22:46

You know, I'm doing this and I'm doing it to the fullest.

Mike Forrester: 00:22:50

Now I still do that, but I go the other way.

Mike Forrester: 00:22:53

You know, I, I, even if it doesn't work, I'll tell you what, it's

Mike Forrester: 00:22:57

not going to be as bad as if I go down that road, you know, so.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:01

That's that's that's what I do.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:02

I, I, I stop and think

Mike Forrester: 00:23:05

cool.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:05

Yeah, reacting and just kind of that knee jerk is kind of what

Mike Forrester: 00:23:09

got us into so many messes.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:11

D'Angelo Stefani: The worst I would, I mean, back to my drug days, I would

Mike Forrester: 00:23:17

be driving down the street and I would see a bank and I just stop and rob it.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:21

You know, there's no thinking about nothing.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:22

There's nothing, there's nothing to think about.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:24

I'm, that's just what I'm going to do.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:26

And I don't care what happens now.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:28

I do care.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:29

You know, I do care what happens.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:32

Yeah.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:32

It's a big difference.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:33

And just the way you look at things and process, man, it's

Mike Forrester: 00:23:37

D'Angelo Stefani: life looks so different for today.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:39

So yeah,

Mike Forrester: 00:23:40

a hundred percent.

Mike Forrester: 00:23:42

Um, what do you see that were like two to three things that whether it was, um,

Mike Forrester: 00:23:49

mentoring or books or You know, different resources, like what helped you to

Mike Forrester: 00:23:55

change your perspective to really grow?

Mike Forrester: 00:23:58

Because you and I didn't grow up with like, Hey, this is how

Mike Forrester: 00:24:01

you have a good perspective.

Mike Forrester: 00:24:03

This is how you, you know, gain awareness and, you know, figure out your identity.

Mike Forrester: 00:24:09

How did you go about that?

Mike Forrester: 00:24:11

Like what were some things that, that, uh, you know, gave you the insight and

Mike Forrester: 00:24:15

the knowledge that, that you lacked?

Mike Forrester: 00:24:18

D'Angelo Stefani: I think first and foremost would be talking to somebody.

Mike Forrester: 00:24:22

Opening up, you know, sharing your story, you know, there's, it's, the

Mike Forrester: 00:24:27

world comes off your shoulders when you tell your story, it really does.

Mike Forrester: 00:24:32

You might not, you might not believe it.

Mike Forrester: 00:24:34

Some people might not, but it does.

Mike Forrester: 00:24:36

Um, just being honest with yourself too.

Mike Forrester: 00:24:42

That's most important.

Mike Forrester: 00:24:43

I, if you're not honest with yourself.

Mike Forrester: 00:24:46

Change is not possible, you know, changes.

Mike Forrester: 00:24:49

And, and another thing, letting go of the past, like all the excuses

Mike Forrester: 00:24:54

we carried around, yeah, you may be justified in some areas, but there

Mike Forrester: 00:25:00

comes a time where you have to grow up.

Mike Forrester: 00:25:02

It really does.

Mike Forrester: 00:25:02

And growing up looks different for everybody, you know, but

Mike Forrester: 00:25:07

for me, growing up was taking responsibility for what I did.

Mike Forrester: 00:25:11

Not because of what my dad did, you know, not because of what my

Mike Forrester: 00:25:15

mom did, but because of what I did.

Mike Forrester: 00:25:17

I put myself in prison.

Mike Forrester: 00:25:19

I didn't, nobody else put myself in prison just because my, my ex wife testified.

Mike Forrester: 00:25:24

She didn't put me in prison.

Mike Forrester: 00:25:25

I put myself in prison.

Mike Forrester: 00:25:27

And that is huge because then you can start the process of change.

Mike Forrester: 00:25:32

You know, you can see why you're doing the things you're doing

Mike Forrester: 00:25:35

and then just work on that.

Mike Forrester: 00:25:40

How did you let go of the past?

Mike Forrester: 00:25:42

I know like for myself and, and other guys I've talked to, it almost

Mike Forrester: 00:25:46

validates our negative actions.

Mike Forrester: 00:25:52

So, um, how did you let go of the past and what did that look like for you?

Mike Forrester: 00:26:00

D'Angelo Stefani: Um, it looked like sitting in solitary confinement

Mike Forrester: 00:26:03

with a little lotto pencil and a piece of paper and writing.

Mike Forrester: 00:26:09

That's, that's what did it for me, writing out everything I can remember

Mike Forrester: 00:26:14

about my life, my childhood, and, and going line by line and just reliving

Mike Forrester: 00:26:19

them experiences and yeah, there are tears, there's anger, there was a bunch

Mike Forrester: 00:26:24

of stuff, but it was healing for me.

Mike Forrester: 00:26:27

You know, because that's when I realized

Mike Forrester: 00:26:31

I didn't do anything wrong for me.

Mike Forrester: 00:26:34

The biggest thing in my life was guilt, you know, um, I don't care if I get killed

Mike Forrester: 00:26:39

during a robbery because I'm nothing.

Mike Forrester: 00:26:42

Anyways, my dad's told me in a million times.

Mike Forrester: 00:26:44

So it must be true, you know, so writing and just learning self love.

Mike Forrester: 00:26:53

Was, was big for me and forgetting my dad, you know, I mean, I, my dad passed away.

Mike Forrester: 00:26:59

I mean, I haven't spoken to my dad since I was 13.

Mike Forrester: 00:27:02

He passed away four years ago and I never got the chance to tell him, you

Mike Forrester: 00:27:07

know, I've written letter after letter to him, but he doesn't, he never got

Mike Forrester: 00:27:11

them, but just knowing that I can live in a, in my beliefs, I'm sure he

Mike Forrester: 00:27:17

can see what's going on in my life.

Mike Forrester: 00:27:19

So it's kind of like a double whammy.

Mike Forrester: 00:27:21

Yeah.

Mike Forrester: 00:27:21

I'm doing good.

Mike Forrester: 00:27:22

And oh, by the way, dad, you didn't ruin me.

Mike Forrester: 00:27:24

You know, so,

Mike Forrester: 00:27:28

so you talked about, um, you know, like the guilt being

Mike Forrester: 00:27:32

there and guilt can be almost like this treble hook that just gets stuck in us.

Mike Forrester: 00:27:37

And it's hard to dislodge.

Mike Forrester: 00:27:40

Yeah.

Mike Forrester: 00:27:40

How did you work through that and release that so that it's not, you know, just, you

Mike Forrester: 00:27:45

know, You know, part of you stuck to you, just clinging to you everywhere you go.

Mike Forrester: 00:27:50

And, uh, you know, just every action you take.

Mike Forrester: 00:27:56

D'Angelo Stefani: Well, I, I still live with a lot of

Mike Forrester: 00:27:57

guilt, to be honest with you.

Mike Forrester: 00:27:58

I didn't wake up one day and all the sorrow and guilt was gone completely.

Mike Forrester: 00:28:03

No, I, certain areas of my life.

Mike Forrester: 00:28:05

Yeah, it's gone, but I still have guilt.

Mike Forrester: 00:28:07

I mean, I left my sisters in that household.

Mike Forrester: 00:28:10

I still carry some of that around with me.

Mike Forrester: 00:28:12

You know, they had to grow up when I ran away.

Mike Forrester: 00:28:16

Right.

Mike Forrester: 00:28:17

You know, I think you, you figure out why you're, why you're feeling guilty

Mike Forrester: 00:28:21

about a situation and you break it down and you, at the end of the, at the

Mike Forrester: 00:28:26

end of the day, you have to either a forgive yourself and realize it's not

Mike Forrester: 00:28:31

your fault, or if it is your fault, make amends with that person if you can.

Mike Forrester: 00:28:34

And if you can't.

Mike Forrester: 00:28:35

Keep it moving, you know,

Mike Forrester: 00:28:39

so you've talked a number of times here about writing

Mike Forrester: 00:28:42

things down So it sounds like journaling is a big thing for you.

Mike Forrester: 00:28:45

Is that correct?

Mike Forrester: 00:28:47

D'Angelo Stefani: Huge.

Mike Forrester: 00:28:48

Gigantic I carry a notebook everywhere I go

Mike Forrester: 00:28:51

Okay, that was what I was gonna ask you is like, how do you

Mike Forrester: 00:28:54

make sure to capture your thoughts?

Mike Forrester: 00:28:55

I know you've talked in other Interviews that like you've got a really good memory.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:01

Uh, yeah.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:02

And so, you know, it's like, but you're carrying a notebook, writing things down.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:06

And then once you've written it down, what do you, what do you do with it?

Mike Forrester: 00:29:11

D'Angelo Stefani: I go back and I tear it up.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:14

If it's, uh, an anger issue, I'll write.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:18

The word anger and why I'm angry at that moment.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:21

And then I do this thing I learned in my psychologist called a camera check.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:27

And I'll go back and I'll say, if a camera was watching the situation right now,

Mike Forrester: 00:29:31

do I really have a reason to be angry?

Mike Forrester: 00:29:33

And I'll replay it through somebody else's eyes.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:36

And nine times out of 10, I'm like, that was dumb.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:39

There's no reason for me to be angry.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:41

You know, there's no, it just stuff happens.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:44

So I do.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:45

I do that a lot.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:46

I really do.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:47

So just so I'm sure I'm understanding the process.

Mike Forrester: 00:29:53

So you're putting yourself in the position of like a camera as if

Mike Forrester: 00:29:57

this is like a movie being filmed to see like what emotional triggers

Mike Forrester: 00:30:03

there would be if you weren't you.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:06

Is that correct?

Mike Forrester: 00:30:06

D'Angelo Stefani: Exactly.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:07

Like if a, if a lady cuts me off in line.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:10

I'll go back and I'll look at it through the third person's view,

Mike Forrester: 00:30:14

you know, and then I'll stop and think maybe she's in a hurry.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:16

Maybe she has a relative that's sick.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:18

Maybe she really has to get somewhere that she needs to be.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:22

So it goes from her cutting me in line to just her being in

Mike Forrester: 00:30:26

a hurry and it is what it is.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:28

Whereas before, Oh no, no, you're not cutting me in line.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:31

It's not going to happen.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:33

And that, that way of thinking leads to a whole nother sort of issues.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:38

Whereas you just, yeah, she's in a hurry.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:40

I changed a lot of.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:43

Of my, my, my wording during my day, like instead of saying I'm angry, I don't say,

Mike Forrester: 00:30:49

I don't even use the word anger anymore.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:50

I just use, you know, upset and why are you upset?

Mike Forrester: 00:30:53

Well, this and this happened.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:54

Well, if you look at this and this, you can see, you really

Mike Forrester: 00:30:57

don't have a reason to be upset.

Mike Forrester: 00:30:59

But if you do, if you are upset, it's okay.

Mike Forrester: 00:31:01

It's okay to be upset.

Mike Forrester: 00:31:02

It's what you do with that is the most important thing

Mike Forrester: 00:31:07

is that something that you've also used when you look back

Mike Forrester: 00:31:10

at those, um, like childhood wounds and, and like the things that your

Mike Forrester: 00:31:17

dad did and other people did to you.

Mike Forrester: 00:31:20

Is that something that works there as well?

Mike Forrester: 00:31:22

Or is it something that you've You just use like now going forward kind of thing.

Mike Forrester: 00:31:27

D'Angelo Stefani: I've tried to go back in in some instances.

Mike Forrester: 00:31:31

It does work Okay, but in most instances, there's no reason

Mike Forrester: 00:31:38

why it should have happened.

Mike Forrester: 00:31:40

There's no justification for certain things You know, um If I was a dude

Mike Forrester: 00:31:45

that my so called camera check on something my father did, I'll tell

Mike Forrester: 00:31:50

you what, I'd never be in the wrong.

Mike Forrester: 00:31:51

And I had every reason to react the way I did.

Mike Forrester: 00:31:56

So sometimes it works.

Mike Forrester: 00:31:57

Sometimes it doesn't.

Mike Forrester: 00:32:00

I get it.

Mike Forrester: 00:32:01

Um, and as far as forgiveness, like you talked about, you know, forgiving

Mike Forrester: 00:32:05

your dad, the way I looked at it with my parents was that I forgave them.

Mike Forrester: 00:32:12

What they did wasn't right, but it was up to me how I handled it.

Mike Forrester: 00:32:16

Is that kind of the way you see forgiveness or is, or is that a

Mike Forrester: 00:32:20

different perspective that you have on what it means with your dad?

Mike Forrester: 00:32:25

D'Angelo Stefani: I think for my dad, it's, I went from being angry and sad

Mike Forrester: 00:32:30

and thinking how just one I love you could have cleaned up so much mess

Mike Forrester: 00:32:35

to maybe he didn't know any better.

Mike Forrester: 00:32:38

Not feeling sorry for him, but maybe that's how he was raised.

Mike Forrester: 00:32:41

You know, I don't know how he was raised.

Mike Forrester: 00:32:44

That's maybe that's all he knew, you know, and that's how I deal with it

Mike Forrester: 00:32:48

because I don't have any other way.

Mike Forrester: 00:32:50

I can't say, um, it's okay.

Mike Forrester: 00:32:53

What you did dad, you know, it's not okay.

Mike Forrester: 00:32:56

It's far from okay.

Mike Forrester: 00:32:57

But if that's all you knew, I can't blame you.

Mike Forrester: 00:33:00

I can't,

Mike Forrester: 00:33:03

I know from my perspective, looking at my dad, you talked

Mike Forrester: 00:33:06

about him saying, you know, Hey, I love you very much on the same plane here.

Mike Forrester: 00:33:12

But it was one of those of.

Mike Forrester: 00:33:14

The way I looked at it was he wasn't equipped and in a place

Mike Forrester: 00:33:17

to be able to give what I wanted.

Mike Forrester: 00:33:20

And so it was just like he did his best, didn't excuse it.

Mike Forrester: 00:33:24

But what would I want, um, you know, from like my children?

Mike Forrester: 00:33:29

Because I know that there were times.

Mike Forrester: 00:33:32

A lot of times that I failed them and, and repeated the pattern that I had received.

Mike Forrester: 00:33:37

Right.

Mike Forrester: 00:33:37

And it's like, how would I want my children to treat me?

Mike Forrester: 00:33:41

And then it was, it was challenge was, okay, now I get to turn around and extend

Mike Forrester: 00:33:47

that, that forgiveness to my dad, which is what I would want my children to give me.

Mike Forrester: 00:33:53

D'Angelo Stefani: Right.

Mike Forrester: 00:33:53

It's often harder to give what we want.

Mike Forrester: 00:33:57

Then, uh, you know, yeah, it's just, it can be a challenging task.

Mike Forrester: 00:34:03

D'Angelo Stefani: It's tough.

Mike Forrester: 00:34:04

You talked about, um, your father giving you things.

Mike Forrester: 00:34:07

I, in my book, I wrote a line that's always stuck with me.

Mike Forrester: 00:34:11

It's, um, My dad failed to give me the things that I needed in life.

Mike Forrester: 00:34:16

So there's no wonder why I grew up to become a thief.

Mike Forrester: 00:34:20

And it just, I was filling holes, taking things, stealing to fill

Mike Forrester: 00:34:25

holes that I had in my life.

Mike Forrester: 00:34:27

So I definitely know what you're talking about.

Mike Forrester: 00:34:29

Yeah.

Mike Forrester: 00:34:31

You talked about having children as well.

Mike Forrester: 00:34:33

Yeah.

Mike Forrester: 00:34:33

Um, Neither you nor I were equipped to be You know a healthy dad How did you

Mike Forrester: 00:34:41

discover what a healthy dad looked like?

Mike Forrester: 00:34:45

um, you know in raising your children,

Mike Forrester: 00:34:49

D'Angelo Stefani: it's um, It was tough the beginning I would catch myself all

Mike Forrester: 00:34:54

the time Reenacting my childhood not so much on that level, but just my words,

Mike Forrester: 00:35:01

you know where When they would come to me and really need my advice, I'd just

Mike Forrester: 00:35:06

be like, go away, I'm doing something.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:08

And then I stopped that, I stopped doing that.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:11

And now, I don't care what I'm doing, if they need me, I'm there.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:16

And if it's frivolous, which it usually is, buying them a Minecraft

Mike Forrester: 00:35:20

game or a skin off, Something or another, I've bought millions of those.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:26

I don't even know what they are, but I'm there for them.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:29

So it just, I I'm learning.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:32

I kind of see, I kind of, I learned by their reactions, by the things I say

Mike Forrester: 00:35:35

in their face, you know, I can, I can tell if, if they're looking like I was

Mike Forrester: 00:35:39

when I was a kid, I'm doing it wrong.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:42

I really am, but don't get it wrong.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:43

I'll put my foot down quick.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:44

You know, you're not getting away with stuff.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:46

You know, you're not growing up the same way I did.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:48

There's no way.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:51

There's a way to create boundaries for our children

Mike Forrester: 00:35:54

and yet love them in the midst of it.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:56

Uh, is what I hear, hear from you.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:59

D'Angelo Stefani: Yes.

Mike Forrester: 00:35:59

So yeah.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:02

Uh, man, D'Angelo, I'm just blown away by the difference from where

Mike Forrester: 00:36:07

things started out and just the transformation both in who you are and.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:15

You know, how you're now changing the family dynamics, you know,

Mike Forrester: 00:36:21

you're not, you're not passing along what you and I inherited.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:25

You're, you're changing that.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:28

Right.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:28

And, and being as healthy and loving and yet, um, still

Mike Forrester: 00:36:33

protective, you know, you're still being that, that loving father.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:37

Um, and there's two sides of it.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:40

So man, hats off to you.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:42

Um, yeah.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:43

Yeah, I mean, dude, it's, it's not easy.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:46

D'Angelo Stefani: You know, what's funny real quick is that you and I growing

Mike Forrester: 00:36:49

up, how we did, we can spot, we can spot BS a mile away, especially in our kids.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:54

Like we can see it coming.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:55

Could be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:57

That might've worked.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:58

No, that doesn't work today.

Mike Forrester: 00:36:59

Yeah.

Mike Forrester: 00:37:01

I think I, I love being a dad.

Mike Forrester: 00:37:02

I do.

Mike Forrester: 00:37:03

My kids are awesome.

Mike Forrester: 00:37:05

They think they're so slick, but I'll tell you what, and they're done

Mike Forrester: 00:37:08

that and they're just, they're great.

Mike Forrester: 00:37:10

So my kids are great.

Mike Forrester: 00:37:11

Yeah.

Mike Forrester: 00:37:12

What's what's the one thing that has surprised you

Mike Forrester: 00:37:14

that you enjoy the most out of being a dad that you just didn't

Mike Forrester: 00:37:18

See that before you became a dad.

Mike Forrester: 00:37:22

D'Angelo Stefani: I think why well My one of my sons is 18 ones is 6 and

Mike Forrester: 00:37:28

I'm my daughter she's grown, but um my six year old he what I enjoy the most

Mike Forrester: 00:37:34

out of this little kid is Watching him learn or watching his wheels turn in

Mike Forrester: 00:37:40

his head You When you, when you try to, when you give him advice, him trying

Mike Forrester: 00:37:44

to figure out how does this apply to me playing Minecraft or, you know,

Mike Forrester: 00:37:49

just, just the little things, you know, in, you know, the hugs, good night.

Mike Forrester: 00:37:53

And I never had that growing up, you know, the, I love you all the time.

Mike Forrester: 00:37:56

The random, you're a great dad, you know, stuff like that.

Mike Forrester: 00:38:00

I just, I love it.

Mike Forrester: 00:38:02

Yeah, I can appreciate that, man.

Mike Forrester: 00:38:05

Well, D'Angelo.

Mike Forrester: 00:38:06

Thank you so much for sharing your story today, man, and, and giving hope because

Mike Forrester: 00:38:11

it's like, and when we're in the midst of it, it can seem so overwhelming and like,

Mike Forrester: 00:38:16

You know, we do have a sentence, right?

Mike Forrester: 00:38:19

That we're stuck there and this is just who I am and the lot that I've been given.

Mike Forrester: 00:38:24

But, uh, dude, the change that you've gone through is the hope that we need.

Mike Forrester: 00:38:28

And I still appreciate you sharing that as well.

Mike Forrester: 00:38:32

Um, how can guys reach out and connect with you outside of this podcast?

Mike Forrester: 00:38:37

D'Angelo Stefani: Um, I mean, I'm on Facebook, D'Angelo Stefani.

Mike Forrester: 00:38:41

I have email it's D and then my last name is Stefani, 1976,

Mike Forrester: 00:38:45

Gmail (dstefani1976@gmail.com).

Mike Forrester: 00:38:47

You know, I'm, anybody needs to talk.

Mike Forrester: 00:38:49

Anybody wants some advice?

Mike Forrester: 00:38:51

You know, I have a little bit that might work.

Mike Forrester: 00:38:53

I know I have a lot that probably won't work, so don't take my word for it.

Mike Forrester: 00:38:57

But, um, I'm, I'm excited to hear from people.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:01

I really am.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:01

I, I want that.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:03

I mean, that's, that's why I went through the stuff I went through.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:05

So today I can share my story, you know, there's nothing in my life.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:09

I will change nothing.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:10

I'm, I'm happy.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:12

And that's all I've ever wanted.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:14

That's a huge statement, man.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:16

I appreciate it.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:17

Well, D'Angelo, thank you again, my friend.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:18

I'm grateful to, uh, to have you here.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:22

D'Angelo Stefani: No problem, Mike.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:22

You're awesome, man.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:23

Keep up the good work.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:24

Thank you, brother.

Mike Forrester: 00:39:26

D'Angelo Stefani: All right, buddy.