From Fear of Failing to Redefining Failure with Kyle Smith

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Well, hello and welcome back, my friend.

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And this week I'm joined by Kyle Smith and Kyle has just gone through a lot of

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stuff that I think most of us as men can relate to in one shape or another, you

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know, overcoming these beliefs that, hey, I just don't, you know, quite have it

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that, you know, we feel like a victim.

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We're not sure on our purpose and our relationships can suffer because of.

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Like the internal emotions that we're feeling and the thoughts and how our

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body retains them and internalizes them.

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So looking forward to jumping in with Kyle and talking through this stuff and

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then the tools that he's used to change his life and get to where he is now.

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So Kyle, how are you doing today?

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My friend?

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I'm stellar.

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I'm having a great day.

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Fantastic, man.

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Well, Hey, let's, let's first start off on what does life look like for you

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today on the professional side of things.

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So on the professional side of things, it's growing the audience and the ears to

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be able to share my practice and whoever it resonates with, they can vibe with it

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and whoever it doesn't, that's cool too.

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That's the main thing right now, the practice and the testing

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has been concluded, got this, got data because I like data.

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I like tracking.

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And, uh, now it's just seeing how many people want to make changes and seeing who

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it resonates with and then growing more.

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And it's been fantastic.

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That's a powerful thing because the cool thing is you'll be in

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touch with somebody now, and it may just not be the right moment.

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For them to decide, Hey, yeah, I'm, I'm willing to step into what you're

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going to, you're going to request of me, Kyle, because it's, it's work, man.

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I mean, you and I have gone through it, the people we've, we've worked

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with, they've gone through it.

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It's just like going to the gym, man.

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So, you know.

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Getting it out there, planting those seeds, giving that encouragement.

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I love what you're doing and then looking at that data.

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So, on the personal side of life, what does that look like for you today?

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It looks like walking around.

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And thinking and organizing, that's more or less what my regular activity is.

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It's computer work.

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And then I walk to a workspace to do computer work, then I'll walk bomb back.

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And I, nowadays, recently, I haven't been listening to anything while on my walks.

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And I track a solid 45 minutes one way.

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If I'm workspacing, so I like using that time.

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I actually, I joked that and I, it's kind of, it's sounds like a joke.

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However, it is true where my walks are, where I get the hardest work done.

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Cause the way I like to organize things is I structure it with the

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information I got in my brain so that I know how, what to execute

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on quicker and decrease resistance.

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That's my personal strategy for getting things done.

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Yeah.

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Walking.

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It's almost like being in the shower at times, you know, like you've got this

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problem that you've been working on and trying to figure out, beat your head

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against the wall, you go take a shower and all of a sudden it's like, click.

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There's the idea.

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There's the answer.

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Yeah.

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Uh,

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I

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don't.

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Something else on my personal side as well, because it's a Wednesday.

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Uh, it's a date night with the lady every Wednesday at five.

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We have date night.

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So that's, that's part of the day too.

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I love that you're being intentional with that man, just setting it aside,

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whether it's a Wednesday, Friday, whatever, just being purposeful about,

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Hey, I'm going to meet up with you just like I met with myself and let's talk

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and go have fun and connect because there's too many times that, you know,

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life, life is all consuming at times.

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And if you don't set that aside, like you're intentionally

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doing, man, it's just.

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You look up a few years later, and you're like, hello, who are you?

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Yeah, totally.

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It's true.

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It's, it's crazy.

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We, we love it.

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And the thing, we've done it for so long that our friends and

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family members are aware of it.

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So they don't often ask us if we want to do anything on Wednesdays, unless

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it's something like if our friends of ours are coming into town and

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they're like, I know it's Wednesday.

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I know you guys are having your date night.

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Would you be open to this?

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And there's a good chance that we'll say yes.

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You're in control of what, you know, what you decide you set the boundaries

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and, and make the exceptions, man.

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Totally.

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Well, let's, let's go back, Kyle.

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And where you're at now is not like where you were before.

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Um, you know, you were, you were working through like victim

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mentality, victim mindset.

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Um, You had some other stuff going on layout, like where was Kyle before

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you really began like the healing journey, like what, what was life and,

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and what was going in on internally, both mentally and emotionally,

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uh, in short, while keeping it still, uh, you know, pretty chill and

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PG, uh, I was indecisive, unclear, I was not living up to my word.

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And I was also,

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Where's the word for it?

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Unfaithful habitually, and that was also an internal issue.

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However, that internal issue went outwards negatively affected my

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relationships, which would affect more relationships on top of that.

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And then there was an op or not.

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I call it an opportunity where everything was a clean slate where

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all the shenanigans were out in the open and it was very, very clear.

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So it was a clean slate and I. Made the decision to make a pivot and it's

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it's been a solid nine years because I remember nine years where I made that

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transition where I made that shift and before we were recording the The course

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I was telling you about the marathon or the challenge that when I refer to myself

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as post world's toughest mother and pre world's toughest mother, because it's

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such a difference between that point.

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And so, yeah, I didn't like the character I was.

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I didn't like the person that I was embodying.

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I did have a victim mentality and I have a definition for the victim

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mentality, and it is an acquired personality trait in which a person

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tends to regard himself or herself.

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As the victim of other people's actions, even in the absence of clear evidence.

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The victim mentality depends on a habitual thought process and attributions.

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It's something that we create.

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So we can have the victim mentality, or we can have the victor mentality,

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and we're responsible for both.

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And so then, I wanted to create that character, who is it that

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I want to be, rather than who is it that I've been told I was.

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Because when we're living up to the expectations of other people's stories.

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Their opinions, their narratives, their experiences, and we adopt their stories.

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We embody it.

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We become a duplicate of that person, especially if it doesn't resonate with us.

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If we attach something to us where it resonates when you're

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feeling good, then it's cool.

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Outside of that, I, that's where I started.

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I just cleared out the expectations that were external to me and just thought

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of the standards and expectations that I want to hold myself to and how is

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it that I want to go about things.

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So when you look back as far as having that mindset and being like

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you said, unfaithful and not keeping your commitments, people speaking

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negatively to you about you, right?

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Decide that it's like You talked about the clean slate.

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What was it that was the deciding factor?

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Because oftentimes it's like a pain point.

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That's like, I'm done.

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I'm tired of being who, who I've been, where I'm at.

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Was it something like that?

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Or did you see, hey, I have hope.

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And, you know, the race kind of showed you a different side of yourself.

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Um, to move you along to that, that transition factor, right?

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I view it where I had plenty of chances to not allow it to happen.

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However, the chance happened.

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So I think that by things happen either by choice or by chance, we can allow

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things to just perpetually get worse until the point that we're in so much in the

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stuck and suck that we're not able to.

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We don't believe we are able to crawl out people wait till that point

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when we can choose to preemptively attack that way is we get the option.

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So I like to do a lot of options work where I don't believe that

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there is a, there's one difficulty.

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It is, do you want to wait for chance where it may not happen, or it may

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happen very well, it could work for either good or bad, or do you want

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to make it by choice where you bring that positivity closer to you sooner?

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So I guess was, was it the race that changed you or like what was like that?

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That pivot point?

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I think it was very much that year.

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That was very prominent because I made a post because I didn't want, I

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knew I didn't want to be where I was.

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That's that's it.

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That was the thing.

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And then past that point, then it was the choice to make an adjustment.

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Yeah.

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Cause people can still go into the stuck and suck and

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then think, Oh, it's all done.

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And then find themselves in future stuck and sucks.

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So then I made a post about it for help.

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Just like many folks may have seen like a help me out post on the Facebooks.

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And that one, I was, I was asking for help and I didn't really.

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Particularly care where it came from because I was starting with fresh.

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So I didn't have any information.

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So I asked for mentors, coaches, therapists, uh, words of wisdom, and

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then people messaging me and stuff.

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It was great.

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So I was introduced to a couple of different methods or different practices.

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So within that one year.

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And this is another funny thing, too, with, with the race, because a buddy

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of mine did it the year before, and I introduced him to the Tough Mudders

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beforehand, and he just went freaking two feet into endurance events,

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and he's not built like a runner.

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It's crazy.

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So he does it, and then I frequented a bar that he was managing, and he, every time I

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walked in, I'm like, He's like, dude, you want to do the world's toughest Mudder?

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It's in December and this is January where they made the post.

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And he was doing the six months before and I was like, no, I don't know.

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I'm good.

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No, I'm good.

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No, I'm good.

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And I made that post.

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He sent me a message.

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He's like, ah, Tough Mudder.

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And I said, yeah.

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Okay.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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I'll go with that.

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So I think it was a combination of the couple of things that I tried

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in between when I made that post and when I actually did the event, when I

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did the event, it got me consciously centered into my animal being and

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into my intuitive being conscious being animal being intuitive being.

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So I believe that the knowledge and the experience through that point with

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the physical exertion and the loopiness of being in the desert and just moving

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because I was trying to push myself.

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I was purposefully going to what my butt I think that's

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when things are really framing.

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And then I started just developing more things over time and tried more practices

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and let go of some because they weren't serving me in the way that I wanted.

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And then that's it.

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And then over time, I just helped other people in my personal

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training and then retired from that.

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Now I help people with their mindset and their mental wellbeing.

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And yeah, like literally my problems became my passions.

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I can say.

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Without a shadow of a doubt that the person, the present Kyle that I am today

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could easily have sent me a message back in the day with that Facebook and

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say, dude, I got something for you.

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Are you open to trying something?

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And if I said yes, then crazy.

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That was nine years of TE guess or testing.

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Refining organizing and the stuff that I teach others is the

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stuff that I do, and I like that.

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I like that fact.

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I love the part that you said if I said yes, because it's like you still

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have that choice like you talked about.

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Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . You can say no.

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Yeah.

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And if you say no, then you're on that same path of what

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you've been and receiving what you've been receiving, and it's.

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It's just, it's almost like a, uh, a hamster wheel, right?

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You don't get off that track.

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You want something different than a hamster wheel.

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You need to give that uncomfortable, uh, answer just like you

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did of Try the Tough Mudder.

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Yes, sure.

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Um, and it's like you don't necessarily know what's going to happen, but you're

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open to whatever may come, you know, to those experience, to the thoughts, um,

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to, to get to a different point, right?

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Other than where you're at.

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Totally.

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Something actually, something that prompted when you said that, uh,

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it's when I'm doing work stuff, I like to watch video game play.

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I don't often play myself, but I like the storylines.

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They're pretty cool.

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And, uh, there's one in particular that came out recently and it was a God

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of War, Ragnarok, really cool story.

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Crazy.

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It's like watching a movie.

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It's crazy.

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And they go to the Norse Norns and they're the equivalent to the,

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the sisters of fate in Greece.

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And so they go there and they're trying to figure out their fate and

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they're like, we got to rewrite.

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Our fate, and we got to like time travel and all this stuff, you know, the years.

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And so they visit these Norns and they're trying to convince them to change fate.

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And the leader of the Norns says something.

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This is what I really thought was cool was we don't write the stories of people.

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We look back at how they've behaved and we come up with what their

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future is going to look like.

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So our future is based off of probabilities of our past.

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So our present is influencing the probabilities of that future, and

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we look back to see how we've won today, and that creates progress

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and a way to see gains, to clear the gap, to get to where we want to go.

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That was a little bit of a tangent, my bad.

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That's quite all right.

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So, if in light of that, if you and I had talked, Kyle, before, like

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when I was in my Eeyore phase, right, the victim phase, I would have been.

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There's no hope for me.

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There's no way I can change.

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Who I've been is who I am.

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How do you help somebody that's got that kind of mindset, that outlook to change

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and see that there is hope that, um, you know, it's, it's not set for the path that

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you're on, but you can make those choices and almost change the direction of your.

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Fate like you were talking about with the nor norms, right.

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Totally.

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Uh, with, with that in particular, I would, the way I would go

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about asking questions would be to try to find the evidence that

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backs up what they're saying.

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So, oh, you're a victim.

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Tell proven.

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Tell me about it.

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And so then we're put into a point where it goes one of two ways where

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someone takes something from the past and brings it to the present

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or someone is actually the victim in the moment of the experience.

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Because I think that the victim mentality is the prolonging

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of the story into the future.

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So it's like, it's like, it's just recycling within us and we're

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maintaining a component of that.

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So what I would ask is.

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I would challenge it.

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Well, why is it that, why is it that you think you're a victim?

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Oh, well, this thing, this thing didn't work out.

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He said, well, what were you doing to get it to work?

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And then, then they would say something or nothing could go in either.

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Or if it was something that I would ask, okay, so, so what

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is it that you were doing?

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Oh, I was doing this, this, and this.

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Oh, shoot.

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How many, how many days in a row did you often do that?

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Oh yeah, I actually crushed it for a couple of days in a row.

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And then I'd take a break and then I'd get back to it.

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Oh, okay.

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Okay, so,

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so is it accurate to say that it has nothing, it has little to do with the

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outcome and more to do with the strategy?

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Oh, okay, so it just opens up the opportunity.

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And if they say they're doing nothing, then we can have some more fun with it.

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It's like, well, okay, do you think that it makes sense to do nothing

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if you want to get something?

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Because I think that the delivery of questions, because it's, I think that

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when someone has an objective perspective and it's just conversational and the

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way that someone can deliver a question that it's on that sweet spot, where if

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it's said in a different tone, or if the tone and the words are delivered in

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a way, it could be either or insulting.

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You could get backlash or not, and I'm okay with either or I'm

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okay with either or because I ultimately know that it's not me.

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That is the individual that is creating their pain.

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I'm bringing it up.

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I'm helping them guide, I'm guiding them through it to explore it.

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However, I just simply try to ask questions to see more insights of it.

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And then if, so let's say for example, if they go with, so that's like the present.

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And if they went past where it was, uh, I have this story from my past that I

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experienced and I feel this thing, then I would just go through the process.

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I'm like, are you open to exploring that story?

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And you want to do some reading and breathing.

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Cause then we get to create space.

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So I just immediately go into like.

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Let's write it down.

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Let's explore it.

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Let's alleviate the intensity of it.

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And then you could think clearly because if we're all wound up with the

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emotions, then we're not going to have enough space in our mind to think.

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So we declutter the mind to make room to make it through the party.

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Then we can really organize and think of things without having that resistance

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because that feeling with that story is going to inhibit us from making progress.

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And so a personal story for mine that was from, I was in elementary school.

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I was, it would be, it was at St. Rose.

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I was in New Brunswick.

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Uh, so it would be like six or seven ish years old, and the teacher, she

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said, if we finished our stuff early, uh, we could go out, because it was the

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last chunk of the day, we could go out and finish the day on the playground.

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Uh, yeah, uh, yeah, I'd be cooped up in this frickin room,

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yeah, let's finish the day.

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So, me, with the intention of being inspiring, I remember this very vividly,

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I stood up and I said, all right, folks, like, oh, I probably said it differently,

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but basically it was, uh, all right, folks, let's get our stuff together.

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Let's finish up so that we can get out and like, go do the

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thing, go on the playground.

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And then the teacher like looked back, she was right on the board.

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She looked back sternly and it was, and it was just rejection.

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It was rejection.

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And so.

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That story had, and I didn't realize it until the story popped

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up and I wanted to explore it.

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Often the stories that we believe, what we've pulled out

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of them isn't always accurate.

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Sometimes it's accurate, but, um, it's, it's almost like the lens we're looking

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at it with, maybe it's a story that's been told before, um, and those beliefs

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can guide us to looking for things that build up or fortify those beliefs, right?

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Yep.

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Um, so if somebody was just, you know, the next teacher is looking

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back at you, it's like, they're just looking at you like, Oh.

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I better play small.

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I better not speak up because of that previous teacher.

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. So one thing that, that you've, um, worked and overcome is like a fear of failure.

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And for a lot of guys, that's something that it's like will just

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like you, you know, you, you had stuff that kind of went lower your voice.

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Don't speak up, right?

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Play a smaller, quieter part that failure will also push us

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into that place to play small.

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How did you move beyond that to where it's like, hey, I'm going to take a chance.

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I'm going to take these risks.

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I'm not going to just sit back and and be passive?

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Uh, what I did was redefine what I believe it means to fail.

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So for one point, I turned fail into an acronym, a faithful attempt in learning.

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And then from there, I actually reframed what failure would look like.

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Is it a failure to pursue a goal and it not work out and then you could try again?

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Or is it a failure to not try at all?

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In my opinion.

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It's a failure to not try at all because at least you challenged a perception

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of yourself because there is the point where we have a comfort zone and we

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have a capacity zone that oftentimes.

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It's way broader than our comfort zone.

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So I think the separation is being able to review your own skill sets and think of

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where you're able to really get things to.

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And when we take away that intensity or that fear, then we've removed the

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resistance and it's through that.

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It's just creating a different definition of it.

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As far as like one thing that you're offering clients now is

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like a somatic experience, right?

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Goes back to kind of, um, like the book, the body keeps the

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score, the idea of being like trauma and those beliefs can be.

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Retained within our tissues, just who we are physically, how are

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you then going back and going?

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Okay, I've got, I've got the understanding that I'm not going

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to be defined by this as a failure.

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I've redefined that.

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But how are you then addressing that historical, um, Those, the experiences

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that you've gone through that have built up that, that fear, how did you, you know,

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remedy that and, and set those at ease?

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The idea is really simple.

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You think of the time where you, in your opinion, you failed the hardest.

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So at what point in your time was that then think of the most intense one?

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Cause I personally like going for the most intense stories first,

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play a language game is called grip, putting the gorilla on the table.

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We go with the heaviest, most difficult, most intense.

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Experience that you can because what happens is when we get through that,

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when we unblock that story, all the other stories are easy peasy.

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And so it just makes less work for.

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Everybody and faster progress so then if there's the redefinition then,

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cause the way I work with my body or with my clients, with my body,

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it's with the body and the mind.

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So it's a top down approach.

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So I go with the story work, the neurology, and then we go into linguistics

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and then we go into the somatic.

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We go into the physical body and energetic body.

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We hit both and then it creates the experience as a collective.

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And so it happens really quick.

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Yeah, it just shows that it's like, because you've tried something before,

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and it may not have had the impact, doesn't mean that there's not a way to

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heal and grow from it, and step into who you want to be without that limiting

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belief, those negative, um, feelings and emotions, and just everything that we

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carry that becomes like, these anchors that are holding us in place, right?

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Um, so part of like you moving and healing and stepping into who you are

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now was understanding your purpose.

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How did you define your purpose?

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You'll see a lot of guys when, you know, they come from that

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victim mindset, um, that.

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They're taking feedback and almost like inputs from other people, whether it be

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family, people around them, and they can step into what other people see for them.

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Yep.

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But.

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It may be good intentions, but it may not be accurate.

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How did you figure out what your true purpose is?

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And was it like a one and done and you're golden?

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You never need to do it again.

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Or was it like, Hey, I did this once.

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Let's revisit.

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Let's revisit.

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Let's revisit.

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It was a progression and in finding the purpose, that was also a reframe.

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I decided to create my own purpose and other people can have their

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opinions and their recommendations.

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And then it's simple.

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It's just say, Oh, thank you.

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I appreciate the insights.

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I appreciate your thoughts.

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I appreciate whatever, whatever it is, because it often is from

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a place of good intentions.

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And then if you look at the alternative where it could be crabs in the bucket

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style, you're spending time with people that don't want to support you because

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they don't want to have to learn the new you, which some people are in your life

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for a season or reason or a lifetime.

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And you find that out over time.

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And so my purpose came.

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Over time, and it was from a whittling away internally, because I, I, with

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my experience, it was removing as much as possible to unveil who I truly am.

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It's not about going out and doing more.

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It's about doing less and then getting more.

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Which, if you want to go do a bunch of stuff, go for it.

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Go for it.

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With what I do for work is, it's going down to the very first principles.

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It's breathwork and story work.

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The first little skill that we learn when we're born is how to breathe.

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And a skill that follows soon after is how we speak.

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And so, uh, then once those things are dialed in, then folks can

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explore whatever they wish with.

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An open heart and abundance and feeling good about themselves because

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the way that I define mindset as well I think is important for this

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as well because there's I think that mindset doesn't have Generally that

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a practical definition where someone can say oh, I'm improving my mindset.

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Well, what does that look like?

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How do you know when your mindset's improved and so it's ambiguous.

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I don't like that I'm a clarity consultant, not an

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ambiguous, ambiguous consultant.

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So, uh, with that mindset is the stories we tell ourselves about

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ourselves or our opinion of ourselves.

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It influences our self image.

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So when we look at what we're doing, then we can see our self image, and we can

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adjust, and then it happens over time.

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So, how do you, like, And what you were talking about there, you're

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almost talking about like what we think, what we feel, right?

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These things that, that, that self talk.

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How are you having people collect that so that they can determine,

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Hey, yeah, this is negative.

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This is positive.

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This is who I want to be.

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This isn't who I want to be to like figure out their purpose.

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And almost like that identity that.

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You'll, like you said, you know, sometimes you'll have people push

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back, like, no, no, no, I don't want you changing because then if you

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change, then I may have to change.

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And I really don't want to do that.

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So after we go through the four step process, which is called four stepping.

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Pretty simple.

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We go through the process.

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I don't mind sharing it too, so if you want to ask, I'm cool with it.

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It's a way of alleviating the intense feels.

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So then we're decreasing.

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Our association with it, where we don't view ourselves in the

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story, we view ourselves as a third party objective observer.

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And so, the words are data.

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So there's going to be information in the words that we say, in the

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stories that we tell, whether they haunt us, hurt us, taunt us.

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love us, joy, joy, are joyful.

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And so there's information that we can find in there.

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So I take them through at the end, they get the, they get the feels

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out, they get the cries out, the tears out, always have Kleenex.

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It's awesome.

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And, uh, then I asked them, what does this story mean about you?

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What does this story mean to you?

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What does this story say about your character?

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So oftentimes, if it's an ouchie story, a common, common theme would be.

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I'm courageous because I was able to get myself out of there.

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It could be a couple other ones actually.

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So I'm courageous.

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Uh, I'm brave for stepping into such a difficult role as a child.

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Uh, I am hopeful because I was able to witness something beautiful the other day.

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And I wrote that story.

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So those are all affirmations.

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And my definition of wishful thinking is affirmations without

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the evidence to back it up.

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Because if we're just adopting someone else's affirmations, then we're doing the

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same thing with everyone else's thoughts.

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We're just adopting their thoughts, and then we're becoming an amalgamation

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of other people's expectations.

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And so it's like Sometimes it's like, I need, I want some space.

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I want some space to figure out who I want to be and who I believe myself to be.

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Uh, so like I said, I am courageous.

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I am faith.

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I have hope.

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Those are all affirmations that are backed up by the evidence from the story.

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And so honestly, you can't fight logic.

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So it's one of my favorite parts.

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Cause even if it's a difficult story, bringing that to the forefront where they

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can recognize, wow, I, I do have hope.

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I am courageous.

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I did overcome fear.

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I did step up when I, when it was needed to.

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These are all facts.

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And I think a lot of times when we look back, that environment we're

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trusting people that Should have acted in a healthy way and may not have.

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And so we did the best with who we could, or with, you know, what, where

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we were and everything like that.

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Um, have you found that, and I know forgiveness is a word that

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kind of sometimes gets negative, uh, Negative press, let's call it.

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Yeah.

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Weird.

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But, but, um, like forgiveness for yourself because we can look at it and go

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like, Hey, mom and dad got a divorce and feel emotionally, Hey, that was my fault.

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I had some responsibility in it or, you know, whatever the case is around, you

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feel like there's A tie for you into it.

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Do you often see that when people are looking back and going, Hey, I

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was courageous that they often find that they can forgive themselves

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for negative feelings tied to that, that they've held onto.

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Totally.

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Yeah.

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And it, it's also interesting cause it works almost like a Trojan horse where

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they find peace within themselves.

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And then they also find peace with.

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Whatever the external stimuli was, whatever the cards are dealt.

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And I think that that's, that's a sweet spot because what I think of forgiveness,

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how I, the way I perceive forgiveness is that it is the relinquishing

Speaker: 00:33:16

of other people's power over you.

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And I, and I believe this as well, and I shared this with someone

Speaker: 00:33:25

and she had a crazy cool question.

Speaker: 00:33:26

It was, until the point, until the moment that we consciously make

Speaker: 00:33:33

the decision to do otherwise, we will show up for our inner child

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as our parents showed up for us.

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Explain that one out a

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little

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bit more so that there's some, some understanding of it.

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Uh,

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for the other part, when the lady asked, well, what about when Kids were

Speaker: 00:33:52

experiencing parents that rejected them or abandoned them or didn't show up for them.

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My response was then that person's going to deny the inner child even exists.

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And so it's, it's more or less stepping out of our, out of our, uh,

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Immaturity and into our maturity, because I think keeping that child

Speaker: 00:34:17

like wonder is important and curiosity.

Speaker: 00:34:20

However, we go into the our own authoritative role, so we become the

Speaker: 00:34:26

parent, we become the director, we become the captain of the ship, because if the

Speaker: 00:34:31

things outside of us are the things that are inspiring our behavior in the moment.

Speaker: 00:34:36

Then we're not in control.

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We're just the one swapping the poop deck on the ship.

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We can be the captain too.

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We're not.

Speaker: 00:34:43

So what's, what's the harm of kind of holding on to that belief, right?

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Engaging with our inner child as our parents would have engaged with

Speaker: 00:34:58

us as a As a child, what's the harm in continuing that, that pattern?

Speaker: 00:35:05

Well, oftentimes for, for fellows specifically, Carl Jung talked about

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this psychology of the man child.

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And it's very evident in folks that retire and this is just observational.

Speaker: 00:35:21

There's no studies for this one.

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This is just something that you can just observe and look around and be

Speaker: 00:35:27

like, Oh, maybe, uh, maybe that guy with the hat was onto something.

Speaker: 00:35:31

So, uh, when there's retirement, they get to the fellows will go to high school.

Speaker: 00:35:38

They'll go to post secondary.

Speaker: 00:35:39

They'll do all the things that was promised to provide them joy.

Speaker: 00:35:46

It was a promise.

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And then they get married, they have kids, they work until they're 60, 65 years old,

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they retire, and then they find themselves with an existential crisis because they

Speaker: 00:35:59

live so long with other people telling them who they are that they didn't

Speaker: 00:36:03

figure out who they were along the way.

Speaker: 00:36:06

And so what you'll notice is when fellows will retire, they'll revert

Speaker: 00:36:11

back to the point in time that they had the most control over their lives.

Speaker: 00:36:15

And oftentimes it's our teenage years.

Speaker: 00:36:17

So then you'll see out of character behavior.

Speaker: 00:36:19

Oh, why does it that freaking Joey got a brand new like car that

Speaker: 00:36:25

is not his normal, like way off?

Speaker: 00:36:29

It's like, could be a fast car.

Speaker: 00:36:30

It could be, uh.

Speaker: 00:36:31

A midlife crisis in the midlife crisis is actually, I don't think

Speaker: 00:36:34

it has anything to do with life.

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It's a self image crisis.

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And so if we continue to behave childishly, we're

Speaker: 00:36:45

going to receive childish.

Speaker: 00:36:48

experiences.

Speaker: 00:36:49

When we step into that role and show up and be like, Hey, little Kyle,

Speaker: 00:36:53

nine years old, you stepped into something that definitely wasn't planned

Speaker: 00:36:57

and you were able to do something.

Speaker: 00:37:01

So then it negates the negative experience with the parents because

Speaker: 00:37:05

a parental figure at this age is speaking to that younger versions.

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And I get people to write that out to like, write a letter to your, so I'll say

Speaker: 00:37:13

it first person because it'll be easier.

Speaker: 00:37:15

Write a letter to nine year old Kyle.

Speaker: 00:37:18

Uh, and Let him know that he did good

Speaker: 00:37:24

and what's what's the power in doing that kind of an exercise like does it?

Speaker: 00:37:30

Does it set about a different mindset or is it almost?

Speaker: 00:37:37

Kind of giving your self permission to heal and move beyond

Speaker: 00:37:40

that or is it something else?

Speaker: 00:37:42

I think it's a it's a little bit of what you both of what you said for sure

Speaker: 00:37:47

Because I believe I'm trying to describe how it feels as well, because it's, it's

Speaker: 00:37:53

interesting what it feels like is that

Speaker: 00:37:59

it's like decluttering your mind enough where you go from remembering

Speaker: 00:38:04

nothing to remembering everything.

Speaker: 00:38:06

Your perspective and your framing of how you see past events from a third

Speaker: 00:38:13

party, because you do it with one story, then you kind of, then you practice, it

Speaker: 00:38:16

becomes a practice where you actually take yourself out of the story, then you

Speaker: 00:38:19

can actually reword it in your brain, and then you can alleviate the experience

Speaker: 00:38:22

completely in the, in real time.

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And so I believe that it has that combination where it's.

Speaker: 00:38:29

It's a double whammy where it is a point of celebration to which it's,

Speaker: 00:38:34

I am stepping into my adult role, into my authoritative role, as well

Speaker: 00:38:40

as showing tenderness and care and support and love to the younger

Speaker: 00:38:45

me that didn't have it because the brain can't tell the difference

Speaker: 00:38:48

between our thoughts and reality.

Speaker: 00:38:50

And so we can time travel in our brain and we can still feel things in the present.

Speaker: 00:38:54

Similar to anxiety.

Speaker: 00:38:55

Anxiety is the anticipation of future pain.

Speaker: 00:38:58

It's a fear of something that doesn't exist, and we're deciding

Speaker: 00:39:00

to choose to feel it in the moment rather than doing something about it,

Speaker: 00:39:04

because then we have anxiety cost.

Speaker: 00:39:05

And that's, and that's between point A and point B. You make the decision to do it.

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You don't do it.

Speaker: 00:39:11

You feel anxiety.

Speaker: 00:39:12

That's the cost between the two points.

Speaker: 00:39:15

Yeah, and our body definitely remembers that emotion, right?

Speaker: 00:39:19

So when I had three children at a very young age and, you know, two

Speaker: 00:39:24

of them being twins, it was like there was not the money there, Kyle.

Speaker: 00:39:28

And so the utilities were always being shut off.

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It was like a merry go round kind of thing.

Speaker: 00:39:36

Uh, definitely a cycle to it, even when I wasn't in that place.

Speaker: 00:39:42

You know, I moved on and finances were fine and the bills were paid.

Speaker: 00:39:46

Kyle, I would see that utility truck.

Speaker: 00:39:49

Pull up outside to like, just read the meter and instantly there's that

Speaker: 00:39:54

panic, that stress, that anxiety, and I'm running to the computer to take a

Speaker: 00:39:59

look and make sure the bill is paid.

Speaker: 00:40:01

And if not to do it really quick, it's like that anxiety comes flooding back

Speaker: 00:40:09

because we do remember those experiences.

Speaker: 00:40:11

And like you're talking about, you know, you're yeah.

Speaker: 00:40:14

You're almost, um, going back and showing yourself that gr, that grace

Speaker: 00:40:18

and, um, what you didn't have in that time mm-hmm . To be able to detach it

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and experience those new events without that anxiety, that stress, that fear.

Speaker: 00:40:31

Totally.

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So it's neutral.

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Neutral.

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Yeah.

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Yep.

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It's just an event.

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Well, dude, Kyle, totally appreciate all you have shared here and your

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journey and how it's like finding, finding our purpose and looking back

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at what has gone on to kind of detach from it and look at it almost outside,

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you know, like we're watching a movie.

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I love that there's the power there to be able to give us the insight and

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take back the power to be able to heal and move forward, um, into that life

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and determine our purpose and, and our identity the way we want it to be.

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Um, outside of this podcast, Kyle, how can guys connect with you?

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Uh, my website is clarityconsultant.

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ca. I'm in the wintry tundra of Canada.

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And then, uh, for my socials, I'm DapperDudeKyleEverywhere, D A P

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P E R D U D E K Y L E. Uh, and if you wanted to chat, Instagram

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is my fastest response time.

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Awesome.

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Well, I will have all of that in the show notes for this episode, Kyle.

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So, totally appreciate it.

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Thank you so much, my friend.

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Thank you very much for having me.

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It was a great pleasure.

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Absolutely.