Overcoming a Challenging Past to Become the Father He Never Had With Harvey Laguerre

Speaker: 00:00:00

Well, hello and welcome back, my friend, man, this week,

Speaker: 00:00:03

I'm joined by Harvey Laguerre.

Speaker: 00:00:05

So Harvey has gone through what many of us experience where it's like,

Speaker: 00:00:08

you know, the challenges that our parents have in their own relationship

Speaker: 00:00:13

and then how that impacts us.

Speaker: 00:00:15

And even as kids, that stuff can carry over into how we're thinking and

Speaker: 00:00:20

acting and the beliefs that we have.

Speaker: 00:00:23

As we become adults, we can become the barriers that we face and work

Speaker: 00:00:27

through sometimes unconsciously.

Speaker: 00:00:30

And so we're going to get into talking about that and

Speaker: 00:00:33

just a whole myriad of things.

Speaker: 00:00:35

Amazing thing is Harvey's got two podcasts.

Speaker: 00:00:38

So the first one is love is black.

Speaker: 00:00:39

So he and his wife set that up.

Speaker: 00:00:42

He started, you know, sharing about.

Speaker: 00:00:44

Where things are and the experience and the confidence he gained from it then

Speaker: 00:00:49

helped him to launch men are the prize.

Speaker: 00:00:52

And so I encourage you to go check out men are the prize, uh, podcast, listen

Speaker: 00:00:57

to Harvey, if this stuff resonates, man, that's what it's all about is

Speaker: 00:01:00

hearing other men's voices and their journey that helps to encourage us in

Speaker: 00:01:06

our day to day, excited to get into the conversation with Harvey here.

Speaker: 00:01:10

How are you doing today?

Speaker: 00:01:11

Harvey?

Speaker: 00:01:11

I am well, thank you very much for having me.

Speaker: 00:01:14

I'm excited about this conversation.

Speaker: 00:01:15

I love talking about men and I happen to be one.

Speaker: 00:01:19

So it works out.

Speaker: 00:01:21

That's a great combination there, man.

Speaker: 00:01:25

It's almost like I like talking about cars and I have a lot of cars.

Speaker: 00:01:28

I mean, you know, some things go well together.

Speaker: 00:01:30

That would be the combination there.

Speaker: 00:01:33

Well, dude, Harvey, let's, let's jump into like, what does it look like for

Speaker: 00:01:37

you as far as professionally today?

Speaker: 00:01:39

What is, what is life look like there?

Speaker: 00:01:41

So obviously we'll talk about where I've come from, what I've dealt with

Speaker: 00:01:46

and such, but a lot of who I am now has a lot to do with where I was before

Speaker: 00:01:51

and what I came from and what I dealt with now, because I've dealt with life,

Speaker: 00:01:58

failed marriages, a volatile home.

Speaker: 00:02:03

low confidence, really making questionable decisions about my life.

Speaker: 00:02:08

I'm at a place now where I can help men.

Speaker: 00:02:11

I can coach them.

Speaker: 00:02:12

I can talk to them because I'm not just some guy who, you know, I just

Speaker: 00:02:16

went and took a course and now, and now I'm a coach because I've

Speaker: 00:02:19

got some certificate on my wall.

Speaker: 00:02:21

If I do have a certificate on my wall, it's Harvey survived.

Speaker: 00:02:24

And then it's this, this, this, this, this, this, and

Speaker: 00:02:27

I can talk to you about it.

Speaker: 00:02:28

So professionally, I am a man who has gone through the fire.

Speaker: 00:02:33

I've come out of it and I coach men and it was particularly black men

Speaker: 00:02:37

because we have a different experience.

Speaker: 00:02:39

Life for us is different and not everybody gets it so I could talk

Speaker: 00:02:44

to any man, but sometimes if it's going to be a man who looks like me,

Speaker: 00:02:48

we can talk about our experience.

Speaker: 00:02:51

I can listen.

Speaker: 00:02:52

I can critique.

Speaker: 00:02:55

I can.

Speaker: 00:02:56

I could make you look at yourself in the mirror because not every problem

Speaker: 00:02:59

is something that somebody else calls.

Speaker: 00:03:01

Sometimes we're the problem and sometimes it takes another man

Speaker: 00:03:06

to say, dude, what are you doing?

Speaker: 00:03:08

So I'm here helping men, coaching, talking to men every day, being a

Speaker: 00:03:12

voice, being that shoulder to cry on.

Speaker: 00:03:17

And that when I do that, it just helps me personally, I feel better about helping

Speaker: 00:03:23

men because in essence, I'm helping myself from 25, 30 years ago, it's this

Speaker: 00:03:29

constant, just kind of, you know, I may be having a bad day, but so is the guy

Speaker: 00:03:32

I'm talking to and his day is better.

Speaker: 00:03:34

And so is mine professionally.

Speaker: 00:03:36

I'm here to help men through the struggle of being men.

Speaker: 00:03:42

Yeah.

Speaker: 00:03:43

And I think the amazing thing Harvey is that it's like we can

Speaker: 00:03:46

glean from what we've gone through.

Speaker: 00:03:49

And the journey of healing and transformation to be

Speaker: 00:03:53

able to help somebody.

Speaker: 00:03:54

So it's like, Hey, this took me 10 years, 20 years, you

Speaker: 00:03:57

know, maybe 30 to get through.

Speaker: 00:04:00

And by sharing, you know, our experiences, it like fast track.

Speaker: 00:04:05

Somebody gets not like, Hey, you, you gotta take the 10, 20, 30 years.

Speaker: 00:04:09

Like, no, here's, here's the.

Speaker: 00:04:11

The cheat code,

Speaker: 00:04:13

it's so true.

Speaker: 00:04:15

So true.

Speaker: 00:04:16

Yeah.

Speaker: 00:04:17

And then the rest of the experiences don't have to come along with it.

Speaker: 00:04:22

Either the relationship or the low self confidence, low self worth.

Speaker: 00:04:26

I mean, that stuff just gets eradicated, um, so much faster, man.

Speaker: 00:04:31

So I appreciate what you're doing and really love the fact that

Speaker: 00:04:34

you're putting it out there.

Speaker: 00:04:36

Um.

Speaker: 00:04:37

Can I just say, if you don't mind, it's I, every time I do podcasts and I speak

Speaker: 00:04:41

to men, whether it's my podcast or having a benefit of speaking to other

Speaker: 00:04:44

men, something always hits with me when we help men and we're able to kind of

Speaker: 00:04:50

cheat code, like you say, and we can kind of get you there a lot faster.

Speaker: 00:04:55

To me, it's reminiscent of what I want as a father, but I can't do it.

Speaker: 00:05:00

I've got a, I got a 20 year old son.

Speaker: 00:05:02

I've got three daughters, an 18 year old daughter, 14 year old

Speaker: 00:05:05

daughter, and a nine year old.

Speaker: 00:05:07

And you know how much easier it would be to tell my 20 year old son,

Speaker: 00:05:10

listen, don't do that, and here's why, but I can't, he's got to fail.

Speaker: 00:05:19

He's got to make mistakes.

Speaker: 00:05:20

He's got to deal with the repercussions of life.

Speaker: 00:05:23

And as much as I'd like to just say, Hey, no, this is it.

Speaker: 00:05:27

And I, and I do that a lot with the men that I coach and talk to, but with,

Speaker: 00:05:31

I can't do that with my son because I can't just tell him this is it.

Speaker: 00:05:35

I've got him and I'll say it.

Speaker: 00:05:38

He won't listen.

Speaker: 00:05:39

It'll happen and then we can talk about it after so if I could if I could do that

Speaker: 00:05:45

and it occurred it just occurred to me now wow you know how much easier fatherhood

Speaker: 00:05:48

would be son you think she likes you I'm not sure she does but you know I kind of

Speaker: 00:05:55

love her oh okay first heartbreak you know these things that kind of have to happen

Speaker: 00:06:00

and it's this kind of This convergence of, you know, of life being a father

Speaker: 00:06:05

and being a coach and as a father, I'm a coach and as a coach, I can be a father.

Speaker: 00:06:10

But, you know, all these things kind of connect and we deal with them.

Speaker: 00:06:13

It's just something that came to mind.

Speaker: 00:06:14

I wanted to say it before, you know, but

Speaker: 00:06:18

I totally get it.

Speaker: 00:06:19

And I look back, man, Harvey.

Speaker: 00:06:21

There were people that tried telling me stuff, you know, especially

Speaker: 00:06:25

when it was my parents, I was like, whatever, it fell on deaf ears.

Speaker: 00:06:29

And, you know, for a certain percentage, probably 98%, it's the same thing with

Speaker: 00:06:35

my son, but it's like, I can't fault him because it's like, well, you know,

Speaker: 00:06:39

Hey, I've given you my perspective.

Speaker: 00:06:43

You're a grown man, you get to make the decision for yourself based

Speaker: 00:06:47

off of what you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you've heard,

Speaker: 00:06:51

what you think you can accomplish.

Speaker: 00:06:54

And, uh, yeah, I, I get the whole thing of like, man, if I could only do

Speaker: 00:06:58

that within my own house and, uh, you know, I've had my son tell me, look,

Speaker: 00:07:03

I don't, I don't need to be coached.

Speaker: 00:07:05

I'm not looking to be coached.

Speaker: 00:07:06

Okay, cool.

Speaker: 00:07:07

I will be here to walk through this with you.

Speaker: 00:07:10

Yes.

Speaker: 00:07:10

Um, You know, I know it's not ideal for you and I, Harvey,

Speaker: 00:07:15

because we're like, Hey, we want to see our sons helped out, dude.

Speaker: 00:07:21

When I look back and I'm sure this would be the same for you.

Speaker: 00:07:23

Like when you look back and you're like, I would love to have had

Speaker: 00:07:28

my parents walk through stuff supporting me as best they could.

Speaker: 00:07:34

And so.

Speaker: 00:07:35

I know it's not in the way and the level we'd like, but there's still power

Speaker: 00:07:39

there and how you're showing up, man.

Speaker: 00:07:40

I'm, I mean, you're not passing on the same things that you experienced, right?

Speaker: 00:07:46

So you've broken those patterns.

Speaker: 00:07:48

And I think that's our wishes as dads is I don't want to repeat the same

Speaker: 00:07:53

mistakes that my parents made for a large percentage of my kids lives.

Speaker: 00:07:58

Harvey, I did exactly that to the T and probably threw in some

Speaker: 00:08:04

extra spiciness along as well.

Speaker: 00:08:07

So it was, you know, taken up a bit, but, um, dude hats off to you

Speaker: 00:08:12

that it's like, um, you know, you've changed personally and you're showing

Speaker: 00:08:16

up for your children as best you can in the ways that they need, man.

Speaker: 00:08:21

Well, so we know you've got four kids.

Speaker: 00:08:24

What, what does, uh, the rest of like personal life look like for you?

Speaker: 00:08:29

So several years ago, my wife and I, we were both working and we're

Speaker: 00:08:35

out and about living life, taking care of our kids financially.

Speaker: 00:08:38

We were good.

Speaker: 00:08:39

And as I guess it was good because financially we're taking care of the kids

Speaker: 00:08:45

are in school, they're fed, they've got toys and the games and the stuff that

Speaker: 00:08:48

they love, what they were missing was us.

Speaker: 00:08:52

They weren't getting raised.

Speaker: 00:08:53

They were being taken care of.

Speaker: 00:08:54

And there is a difference.

Speaker: 00:08:56

So one day I went to work and they said, Hey, Harvey, we don't

Speaker: 00:09:00

really want you to come back.

Speaker: 00:09:01

Ever again.

Speaker: 00:09:03

So I got fired.

Speaker: 00:09:04

So now I'm home and my mother in law had just.

Speaker: 00:09:10

She had retired and, you know, she was, she'd get to relax, but being that

Speaker: 00:09:14

we weren't home, she was essentially raising our kids for a while.

Speaker: 00:09:18

What happened is now I no longer have a job.

Speaker: 00:09:20

So now I'm home.

Speaker: 00:09:21

I'm like, you can go back, I'll take care of it.

Speaker: 00:09:24

And that became okay.

Speaker: 00:09:25

Until I find something new, I'm taking him to the bus stop.

Speaker: 00:09:27

I'm taking them to school.

Speaker: 00:09:28

I'm taking them to soccer.

Speaker: 00:09:29

I'm taking the girls to ballet.

Speaker: 00:09:31

I'm taking them to the skating rink, all this stuff.

Speaker: 00:09:33

And that went longer and longer until I'm like.

Speaker: 00:09:36

I think I found my job.

Speaker: 00:09:38

This is what I should be doing.

Speaker: 00:09:40

And it's been, I can't count how many years, but this is what I do.

Speaker: 00:09:45

And I tell a lot of men who I speak to because fatherhood's

Speaker: 00:09:48

a big thing when I talk to men and that you really need to be.

Speaker: 00:09:52

Your own person.

Speaker: 00:09:53

We can't be wrapped up in what we do.

Speaker: 00:09:55

You got to be who you are type of thing.

Speaker: 00:09:57

But I, I really, I am wrapped up in my kids.

Speaker: 00:10:02

I am.

Speaker: 00:10:03

That's what I do personally is I take pride in sending out

Speaker: 00:10:07

great citizens into the world.

Speaker: 00:10:11

People, my son is opening the door for whatever woman he may see.

Speaker: 00:10:15

And not because it's his mom or sisters it's because.

Speaker: 00:10:18

He's a gentleman.

Speaker: 00:10:19

I send my girls out into the world and they're respectful

Speaker: 00:10:21

because they're just good people.

Speaker: 00:10:23

I pride myself personally.

Speaker: 00:10:26

And being a good person.

Speaker: 00:10:27

Cause when I'm good, nine times out of 10, my agents, which are, my kids

Speaker: 00:10:32

are going to be good to the world too.

Speaker: 00:10:33

I'm sending myself out in just different forms and my kids, people meet my kids.

Speaker: 00:10:38

They're so well behaved.

Speaker: 00:10:39

They're so respectful.

Speaker: 00:10:40

Like, thank you.

Speaker: 00:10:41

That's not what they're like in the house, but when they leave, they're awesome.

Speaker: 00:10:44

Like, thank you, but come stay with us for a few hours.

Speaker: 00:10:48

And those aren't the same people, but, but personally, I am the, I

Speaker: 00:10:53

am here to take care of my kids.

Speaker: 00:10:55

To support my wife because we are the antithesis of what

Speaker: 00:10:59

the couple is supposed to be.

Speaker: 00:11:00

My wife is out there making the money and I'm taking care of the house.

Speaker: 00:11:03

I'm here to make sure kids are fed.

Speaker: 00:11:05

Their homework is done.

Speaker: 00:11:06

And when she comes home.

Speaker: 00:11:08

chill environment.

Speaker: 00:11:10

And I take very, I take pride in that.

Speaker: 00:11:12

I think I take pride in being a parent and I can be a good parent,

Speaker: 00:11:16

but I'm, I'm also happily Harvey.

Speaker: 00:11:20

I'm content with what I do.

Speaker: 00:11:21

So I podcast because I like talking.

Speaker: 00:11:23

Obviously I like talking.

Speaker: 00:11:25

I, you know, all this, I do all these things.

Speaker: 00:11:28

So personally, I'm happy.

Speaker: 00:11:30

I could be happier.

Speaker: 00:11:30

And I think we all can be.

Speaker: 00:11:32

Um, I pride myself on being a good spouse.

Speaker: 00:11:35

I could be better.

Speaker: 00:11:37

I know we all could be.

Speaker: 00:11:38

It's just.

Speaker: 00:11:40

I like, I like helping my kids.

Speaker: 00:11:43

I like helping my wife.

Speaker: 00:11:44

I like helping people and I like helping me.

Speaker: 00:11:48

So personally, I'm in a place where I, I just want to, I want to leave

Speaker: 00:11:54

the best impression whenever I leave this, I leave this earth that whoever

Speaker: 00:11:59

met me, they were happy to talk to me.

Speaker: 00:12:03

Even if I let, maybe I didn't let him talk because, you know, like I

Speaker: 00:12:06

said, I'll keep talking, but, um, it's personally, I'm just happy with being

Speaker: 00:12:12

the best person I can be in extending that to my kids and my family around me.

Speaker: 00:12:17

So being kind of like that antithesis of like, you know, stay at home

Speaker: 00:12:23

mom, you know, dad's out working.

Speaker: 00:12:25

You're the stay at home dad.

Speaker: 00:12:27

You're not the first one.

Speaker: 00:12:28

You're not the only one, but I would imagine that it's like, Hey, as a

Speaker: 00:12:33

stay at home dad, there are certain hurdles and challenges that when

Speaker: 00:12:37

it's like, Hey, what do you do?

Speaker: 00:12:40

You know?

Speaker: 00:12:40

And you're like, Hey, I take care of my four kids and I'm proud of it.

Speaker: 00:12:44

Like what are some of the hurdles that as a stay at home dad, um, You face that.

Speaker: 00:12:50

It's like now you're kind of like, this doesn't, it just rolls off

Speaker: 00:12:55

you, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker: 00:12:57

But that societally a stay at home dad is going to face.

Speaker: 00:13:01

What are some challenges that go with that?

Speaker: 00:13:04

I am Caribbean.

Speaker: 00:13:05

My parents are Haitian.

Speaker: 00:13:08

So I grew up here when it's a patriarchal society or patriarchal culture.

Speaker: 00:13:16

The mere mention of me not going to work per se was something that

Speaker: 00:13:20

people still haven't gotten over.

Speaker: 00:13:22

Like mom should be at home making dinner, taking care of

Speaker: 00:13:25

the kids and doing all that.

Speaker: 00:13:27

Why are you home?

Speaker: 00:13:27

When are you going to go to work?

Speaker: 00:13:29

This is what I do.

Speaker: 00:13:32

I am at work.

Speaker: 00:13:34

I am taking care of my kids.

Speaker: 00:13:35

Now I don't consider it my profession, but maybe it's more my calling.

Speaker: 00:13:39

So the first hurdle I had to deal with.

Speaker: 00:13:41

was being that stay at home dad and dealing with family who

Speaker: 00:13:46

questioned why I was doing this.

Speaker: 00:13:48

I, I'm, I was never a fan of like daycare and stuff like that.

Speaker: 00:13:53

I, I don't like someone else taking care of my kids.

Speaker: 00:13:56

I should be doing it or my wife should be doing it.

Speaker: 00:13:59

So I think subconsciously when it came time for somebody to take

Speaker: 00:14:05

care of the kids and I was home, I'm like, okay, I can do this.

Speaker: 00:14:10

The hurdles were okay.

Speaker: 00:14:12

Now it's on me primarily.

Speaker: 00:14:14

And it took me a little while to get used to that because it was kind of help.

Speaker: 00:14:17

But once me and my wife determined, you know, okay, I'm staying home.

Speaker: 00:14:20

I'm not going to work.

Speaker: 00:14:20

And she's like, I can focus on this.

Speaker: 00:14:22

And then we started our own business together and we're doing all this.

Speaker: 00:14:25

Now, a lot of it is on me.

Speaker: 00:14:28

Especially when you're, um, a girl dad and I've got three, that might be a

Speaker: 00:14:36

hurdle that I will never get over it.

Speaker: 00:14:37

I mean, I have time.

Speaker: 00:14:38

I think I'm about to jump.

Speaker: 00:14:39

Somebody raises it a few inches and I just hit my head on that

Speaker: 00:14:41

thing and fall down again.

Speaker: 00:14:43

I can relate only so much to my girls.

Speaker: 00:14:47

It's I learn every day and I, and as much as I'd like to be the teacher to

Speaker: 00:14:53

my kids, they teach me so much more than I could possibly teach them.

Speaker: 00:14:56

So what I learned, the hurdles are staying with my girls, being

Speaker: 00:15:01

respectful of my girls and doing my best to raise them the same.

Speaker: 00:15:04

I raised my son, but I can be honest.

Speaker: 00:15:06

I can, I can do my best to be the.

Speaker: 00:15:09

Dad to all four of them.

Speaker: 00:15:11

Never.

Speaker: 00:15:12

I can't even do it.

Speaker: 00:15:13

And it's not, it's, I'm not, it's not bad.

Speaker: 00:15:15

I'm not trying to be negative towards my girls, but they're my girls.

Speaker: 00:15:18

There's a difference.

Speaker: 00:15:19

There's a difference.

Speaker: 00:15:20

One of the being home with my kids continuously.

Speaker: 00:15:23

Now, one hurdle that I had to deal with, I didn't grow up with the most

Speaker: 00:15:27

intimate relationship with my father.

Speaker: 00:15:29

And when I mean that, I mean, my dad wasn't a type to come over and hug

Speaker: 00:15:33

me or kiss me on, you know, give me a kiss on the forehead or whatever.

Speaker: 00:15:36

I love you.

Speaker: 00:15:36

That type of thing with daughters.

Speaker: 00:15:40

It just kind of happens.

Speaker: 00:15:41

It just feels like that's the way it's supposed to be right with my son, who is

Speaker: 00:15:48

the most huggy and he's bigger than me.

Speaker: 00:15:51

He's like six, two.

Speaker: 00:15:52

I, you know, I'm a burly five, five.

Speaker: 00:15:54

So when he comes, so we'll just.

Speaker: 00:15:57

So he'll come and hug me and it's like, yeah, good hug.

Speaker: 00:16:00

But he likes hugs, so he'll stay in there.

Speaker: 00:16:04

And at first it's like I'm hugging him, but then it's like, okay, he's

Speaker: 00:16:06

still here and he really likes it.

Speaker: 00:16:09

He loves that, that level of intimacy that a father and son can, you know, can have.

Speaker: 00:16:14

And if it was one of my daughters, I'm like, great, I'm just hugging her.

Speaker: 00:16:17

And that's just the way it should be for my son.

Speaker: 00:16:18

It's a little bit different.

Speaker: 00:16:19

And as men, we're not really brought up to have that kind

Speaker: 00:16:23

of relationship with our sons.

Speaker: 00:16:26

So that's a personal hurdle that I'm working with that I'm getting

Speaker: 00:16:30

better at, but it's always like, I always feel like I pull back a little

Speaker: 00:16:34

bit, but I shouldn't just hug him.

Speaker: 00:16:36

He's, he's 20 and he's big, but that's my boy.

Speaker: 00:16:40

No matter how big they get, no matter how big these kids get.

Speaker: 00:16:44

That's my kid.

Speaker: 00:16:45

Boy.

Speaker: 00:16:45

And, you know, I'm going to take, I want to hug him if he's having a

Speaker: 00:16:47

bad day or a tough day at work, or he likes somebody, she didn't like a

Speaker: 00:16:51

back or, you know, that type of thing.

Speaker: 00:16:54

So I'm working on that kind of relationship with my son.

Speaker: 00:16:56

I'm working on having a better relationship with my daughters.

Speaker: 00:17:00

I am working on having a better relationship with everyone

Speaker: 00:17:05

in my house, the relationship with my spouse, with my wife.

Speaker: 00:17:09

And the one thing I have, I'm not, I'm perfected as a strong one.

Speaker: 00:17:13

One thing I'm happy with is what my kids see in terms of their parents.

Speaker: 00:17:18

In that term, that relationship, I have three daughters who eventually

Speaker: 00:17:21

go out into the world and find their own partner and their own spouse,

Speaker: 00:17:24

and they know what to expect.

Speaker: 00:17:26

My daughters know what a good relationship looks like.

Speaker: 00:17:29

We, we argue, we don't fight.

Speaker: 00:17:33

We may disagree, but we don't battle it out.

Speaker: 00:17:36

No hands come up or anything.

Speaker: 00:17:37

My girls know that I, they know how to argue.

Speaker: 00:17:40

Let's say that they know how to deal with conflict.

Speaker: 00:17:43

They know how to deal with a disagreement.

Speaker: 00:17:46

My son knows that he's seen me disagree with his mom, but at the

Speaker: 00:17:50

end of the day, it's just talks.

Speaker: 00:17:52

That's as far as it goes.

Speaker: 00:17:54

So my battles are being a good representation of a man for my girls.

Speaker: 00:18:01

And one part of that is recognizing that I'm not perfect.

Speaker: 00:18:06

And when I mess up, apologize to them and saying it, I messed up.

Speaker: 00:18:10

I'm sorry.

Speaker: 00:18:11

I did this.

Speaker: 00:18:12

You were right.

Speaker: 00:18:12

I was wrong.

Speaker: 00:18:14

This type of stuff.

Speaker: 00:18:16

And that allows them to have empathy for me.

Speaker: 00:18:19

And that allows them to be like, yo, my dad.

Speaker: 00:18:23

I can mess up too.

Speaker: 00:18:25

I do that for my son.

Speaker: 00:18:27

I try to be perfect, but sometimes I'm gonna mess up and I might jump the gun.

Speaker: 00:18:30

Whatever, dude, I'm sorry.

Speaker: 00:18:32

I shouldn't have done that.

Speaker: 00:18:33

This is why I did it.

Speaker: 00:18:35

I'll do my best not to do it again.

Speaker: 00:18:36

And he can see like, you know what?

Speaker: 00:18:37

He messed up and he manned up and he said it.

Speaker: 00:18:40

I can mess up too.

Speaker: 00:18:42

Kids who see their parents as imperfect know that they are loved.

Speaker: 00:18:46

Because they are respected, because you're honest.

Speaker: 00:18:50

This is the, I'm a man, I'm not perfect.

Speaker: 00:18:53

I'm not a deity.

Speaker: 00:18:54

I'm a, I'm a human being and I got up a bad day and I can admit it.

Speaker: 00:19:00

That's my hurdle is that in the end, I think I'm raising good people.

Speaker: 00:19:04

And I think me and my wife are doing it great together when I mess

Speaker: 00:19:09

up and I allow them to hear it.

Speaker: 00:19:12

I think that's, I'm proudest of that, but know that I can get better every day.

Speaker: 00:19:16

So my hurdle is just being good every day.

Speaker: 00:19:19

And when I'm not telling them about it,

Speaker: 00:19:22

I think that kind of honesty is actually strengthening our children

Speaker: 00:19:28

because you know, if you were that deity, right, you were perfect.

Speaker: 00:19:34

That bar of perfection is then what they're expected to live up to.

Speaker: 00:19:39

And that can be daunting and disempowering.

Speaker: 00:19:42

Whereas if it's, Hey, I saw mom and dad, they had disagreements, but they

Speaker: 00:19:47

weren't going, you know, toe to toe doing fisticuffs dragging out that battle there.

Speaker: 00:19:55

They can see that.

Speaker: 00:19:56

Hey, mom and dad did their best.

Speaker: 00:19:57

They weren't perfect.

Speaker: 00:19:59

Okay, let me bring my best To the table, let me bring my a game and

Speaker: 00:20:04

know that when I do fall short, I know how to make amends for it.

Speaker: 00:20:09

I know how to apologize and repair, you know, what.

Speaker: 00:20:13

What wasn't, uh, so to speak, perfect in, in how they showed up.

Speaker: 00:20:18

So I think the, the imperfection is actually the stronger suit

Speaker: 00:20:22

that you're bringing there, man.

Speaker: 00:20:25

Um, I do want to kind of go back to what your journey was, Harvey, because

Speaker: 00:20:30

it's like a home life was rough, man.

Speaker: 00:20:33

I mean, there were, there were challenges there.

Speaker: 00:20:36

Those patterns that were set and shown for you were very different from what.

Speaker: 00:20:42

You and your wife are doing for your children and you even at one point had

Speaker: 00:20:46

to pick, Hey, which parent do I go with?

Speaker: 00:20:49

I mean, that's a lot to be in that situation.

Speaker: 00:20:53

And then to be asked to make that decision.

Speaker: 00:20:55

That's a lot.

Speaker: 00:20:57

And too often.

Speaker: 00:20:58

I don't think that there's actually that conversation of, Hey, this

Speaker: 00:21:03

experience then impacted you.

Speaker: 00:21:06

As an adult right in how you see things the beliefs and how those actions come

Speaker: 00:21:12

out from that when you look back at that journey harvey and then as you

Speaker: 00:21:18

became more self aware how do you see that those things showed up and directed

Speaker: 00:21:24

like your beliefs and your actions that you then consciously chose to go

Speaker: 00:21:30

a different route to become the man and the and the dad that you are now

Speaker: 00:21:35

when i.

Speaker: 00:21:36

When I started the podcast, men are the prize.

Speaker: 00:21:39

I would talk to men and then this pattern started coming up.

Speaker: 00:21:42

And a lot of times I asked men what their purpose is.

Speaker: 00:21:47

And a lot of times their purpose really connected to what they were

Speaker: 00:21:52

missing when they were growing up.

Speaker: 00:21:53

So I would talk to a man and he was a social worker.

Speaker: 00:21:57

What was your, what was your life like when you're growing up?

Speaker: 00:22:00

Oh my God, my parents fought.

Speaker: 00:22:02

My dad was abusive, blah, blah, blah, whatever.

Speaker: 00:22:05

Or this guy's an attorney.

Speaker: 00:22:07

What was your life like growing up?

Speaker: 00:22:08

My God, my parents got divorced.

Speaker: 00:22:10

My mom cheated on my dad and my dad couldn't afford an attorney to

Speaker: 00:22:13

fight, blah, blah, blah, whatever.

Speaker: 00:22:14

And then he didn't get custody, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker: 00:22:16

We become what we needed growing up.

Speaker: 00:22:20

That is essentially what I am now.

Speaker: 00:22:23

I am the father.

Speaker: 00:22:26

I did not have literally.

Speaker: 00:22:28

And it makes me sad when I think about it.

Speaker: 00:22:30

I am opposite of the father I had growing up.

Speaker: 00:22:34

So I, this intimacy with my kids, I didn't really get that.

Speaker: 00:22:39

So I, I go really hard at that.

Speaker: 00:22:42

I didn't have anybody to talk to about things going on.

Speaker: 00:22:46

I do my best to really do that, which is probably why I won't shut up now.

Speaker: 00:22:49

My kids will tell you the same thing.

Speaker: 00:22:51

She, he's still talking.

Speaker: 00:22:53

We got it.

Speaker: 00:22:54

Okay.

Speaker: 00:22:54

Put the garbage out, but then I'll give him an explanation of why it's just,

Speaker: 00:22:57

it's all this extra, um, Specifically because of the relationship I had with

Speaker: 00:23:04

my parents, it took a while that I really focused on being that growing up, I,

Speaker: 00:23:09

you know, I, I think I've mentioned it to you that I grew up in a household.

Speaker: 00:23:13

It's just my parents and me and it was volatile and it was violent.

Speaker: 00:23:16

It was just toxic in every way.

Speaker: 00:23:19

This is not the way I wanted to live.

Speaker: 00:23:22

I survived it.

Speaker: 00:23:23

I got through it.

Speaker: 00:23:25

I was never going to put a child through that.

Speaker: 00:23:28

To be honest, I, after living with that, I had no intention of getting married ever.

Speaker: 00:23:33

I didn't see, I didn't see a positive marriage.

Speaker: 00:23:37

Look, my parents did not need to be together.

Speaker: 00:23:41

They got married, obviously got divorced.

Speaker: 00:23:44

They both remarried and they both got divorced again.

Speaker: 00:23:46

That kind of cleared it up for me.

Speaker: 00:23:48

I'm not marrying anybody.

Speaker: 00:23:49

It's not working.

Speaker: 00:23:50

Why would I do that?

Speaker: 00:23:51

So all of that went to hell.

Speaker: 00:23:54

I happened to see this woman while I was at work.

Speaker: 00:23:56

It's my wife.

Speaker: 00:23:57

I talked big until I saw her.

Speaker: 00:23:59

And then I'm like, Oh God, I have to marry for me, just growing up in a

Speaker: 00:24:04

household where I didn't feel comfortable.

Speaker: 00:24:07

Where at times I was just kind of fearful of my life and mom, and

Speaker: 00:24:14

I didn't have anybody to tell.

Speaker: 00:24:16

I didn't have anybody to talk to about how I was feeling about things.

Speaker: 00:24:20

So the divorce happened, and I go to court, and I'm 10 or 11, and

Speaker: 00:24:27

my parents had pretty much decided they were going to get divorced.

Speaker: 00:24:30

So there was a year of just kind of uncertainty with them.

Speaker: 00:24:33

And sadly, that's when my dad decided to become a really good father.

Speaker: 00:24:37

So I'm easily malleable because I'm 10 or 11 years old.

Speaker: 00:24:40

So now we're going to the movies, we're getting ice cream, we're doing all this

Speaker: 00:24:43

stuff so that when I go to court and I'm like, and the judge, why he's asking

Speaker: 00:24:48

me, I have no idea who do you want to live with in my head because I'm a kid.

Speaker: 00:24:53

I'm like, Oh my God, I want to live with the parent.

Speaker: 00:24:54

It's going to be, we're going to have fun.

Speaker: 00:24:56

We're going to do stuff together when that's not the real parent that he was.

Speaker: 00:25:00

That's just the part he played to get what he wanted, which was

Speaker: 00:25:03

just something that hurt my mom.

Speaker: 00:25:04

And that's just take me from her type of thing.

Speaker: 00:25:08

Um, so that was hard and that's something kind of, that always

Speaker: 00:25:11

reminded me and it took me years to realize how much it truly affected me.

Speaker: 00:25:16

In terms of relationships, in terms of self esteem, because once I

Speaker: 00:25:19

lived with him and I decided, and I said, I want to live with my dad.

Speaker: 00:25:22

And then I did, I didn't have that guy growing up.

Speaker: 00:25:24

I was very much by myself.

Speaker: 00:25:26

I, I, I raised myself.

Speaker: 00:25:28

I didn't talk to anybody.

Speaker: 00:25:29

I didn't have a confidant when stuff was working out for me.

Speaker: 00:25:32

You know, I, baseball is my favorite sport in the world.

Speaker: 00:25:35

I love baseball.

Speaker: 00:25:36

I'm not particularly good at it, but I love it.

Speaker: 00:25:39

So every year when I went out for the team and didn't make it,

Speaker: 00:25:41

you know, uh, you know, there was nobody say, you know, I tried, I

Speaker: 00:25:45

thought I could be a first baseman.

Speaker: 00:25:47

You know, I want to be like Keith Hernandez when I, you know, go up because

Speaker: 00:25:50

I'm a Mets fan grew up in New York and none of this stuff, you know, worked out.

Speaker: 00:25:54

I didn't have it.

Speaker: 00:25:55

So I'm just, all this stuff that's sitting here, all this stuff that I

Speaker: 00:25:57

went through is just sitting here and it's boiling, you know, bubbling up.

Speaker: 00:26:00

So I don't feel really confident.

Speaker: 00:26:03

In many things.

Speaker: 00:26:04

Um, we're boys, we're growing up.

Speaker: 00:26:07

See a girl that you like, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker: 00:26:09

See what happens.

Speaker: 00:26:09

That never seemed to work out.

Speaker: 00:26:11

It took me a while to get there.

Speaker: 00:26:12

I didn't have anybody to talk to about that.

Speaker: 00:26:15

All these things, all these things bubbling up.

Speaker: 00:26:18

Then I go to college and I don't, I don't understand the baggage that I'm

Speaker: 00:26:24

bringing with me to college aside from life and all the boxes with all my

Speaker: 00:26:28

stuff, and I bring that all to college.

Speaker: 00:26:29

I go to college, fail out.

Speaker: 00:26:30

I'm a mess.

Speaker: 00:26:31

I come back home.

Speaker: 00:26:33

I am now failure in this house.

Speaker: 00:26:36

And I'm in this house for a while.

Speaker: 00:26:38

I live with my dad who, and I mean, this cannot look at me.

Speaker: 00:26:42

He's so disgusted, so disappointed.

Speaker: 00:26:44

So I'm, I'm in a house.

Speaker: 00:26:46

Where I am just this after afterthought, I'm just a sideshow, a disappointment.

Speaker: 00:26:53

And after a while with every day, with every look, with every look away, with

Speaker: 00:26:57

every disgusted comment, I'm just like, why don't, Oh, I'm a terrible person.

Speaker: 00:27:03

I don't need to be here.

Speaker: 00:27:04

I don't need to be here.

Speaker: 00:27:05

Nobody would care if I wasn't here.

Speaker: 00:27:08

What am I going to do here?

Speaker: 00:27:11

I'm like, I'm going to just try.

Speaker: 00:27:12

And I tried to kill myself.

Speaker: 00:27:14

And I got there and it was, and I tried.

Speaker: 00:27:17

And when I talked to a lot of men, when I start coaching them, I tell them my story.

Speaker: 00:27:22

The only way I feel to be completely open with somebody is

Speaker: 00:27:25

to tell them what I went through.

Speaker: 00:27:26

And then I will show them and you can't see it, but I have a

Speaker: 00:27:29

scar on my wrist where I tried.

Speaker: 00:27:32

And obviously I failed, but I actually won with that.

Speaker: 00:27:37

And I got to the point where I was so low that I almost ended it.

Speaker: 00:27:44

The lowest, the lowest point of my life.

Speaker: 00:27:46

And then every day since has gotten better, but what am I doing here?

Speaker: 00:27:51

And I, I really tried and I didn't realize that the sadness from sitting in that

Speaker: 00:27:55

courtroom, from listening to the fights, from seeing when the police came to the

Speaker: 00:27:59

house, from hearing mom scream, from hearing my dad scream from all this junk.

Speaker: 00:28:04

And I. I really went through so much that I got past that.

Speaker: 00:28:09

And every kid of divorce kind of feels like they're the

Speaker: 00:28:11

reason something happened.

Speaker: 00:28:12

So in my head, maybe I'm the reason they got divorced.

Speaker: 00:28:14

Maybe I was the bad, I was a bad kid and this happened.

Speaker: 00:28:17

So growing up in that toxic environment, then moving into a different toxic

Speaker: 00:28:22

environment, then leaving the house and going into the world, but not really

Speaker: 00:28:25

being prepared for it, then going back into that toxic environment and then just

Speaker: 00:28:30

being pulled down emotionally to just wanting to end it because I have no value.

Speaker: 00:28:36

In this world to surviving that and then realizing that there's

Speaker: 00:28:40

only one person in this world who's going to save me from this and

Speaker: 00:28:45

that's me, I got to do it every day.

Speaker: 00:28:49

I felt a little bit better about myself.

Speaker: 00:28:52

That one year in college does not define me as a person.

Speaker: 00:28:55

It was just a time in school and I just wasn't ready.

Speaker: 00:29:00

And I just every day I got a little bit better.

Speaker: 00:29:02

I got a little bit better.

Speaker: 00:29:03

I got a little bit better.

Speaker: 00:29:04

And what I needed to do was kind of think back to what happened in the past.

Speaker: 00:29:10

Life was Tough.

Speaker: 00:29:12

And it was tough.

Speaker: 00:29:13

It wasn't tough.

Speaker: 00:29:14

It was life, but I didn't have anybody to talk to about it.

Speaker: 00:29:17

So it felt tough.

Speaker: 00:29:18

If I had a voice, if I had an ear, it would have been so much easier.

Speaker: 00:29:22

But once I realized that I would have been in a much better place, if I could

Speaker: 00:29:26

have just talked to somebody, if I could have just released, I'd been in a much

Speaker: 00:29:30

better place, which is what affects me.

Speaker: 00:29:35

The most with my kids, with my wife and with the men that I

Speaker: 00:29:38

coach, tell me what's going on.

Speaker: 00:29:41

I'm not trying to fix you.

Speaker: 00:29:42

I don't have this 10 point plan.

Speaker: 00:29:45

If I do, it's really one point.

Speaker: 00:29:47

Tell me what's going on.

Speaker: 00:29:48

And then we'll work through that.

Speaker: 00:29:50

Cause that's what I did.

Speaker: 00:29:50

I had to work through my stuff and I'm better for it.

Speaker: 00:29:55

How did you go about working through it?

Speaker: 00:29:58

I mean, there's nobody coaching you or guiding you through it.

Speaker: 00:30:03

You're figuring out on your own.

Speaker: 00:30:06

So you come to like this awareness of here's all the problems it's

Speaker: 00:30:12

gotten this bad, but I have hope.

Speaker: 00:30:17

How, how did you make that change that direction instead of going

Speaker: 00:30:22

down, your life is now going up.

Speaker: 00:30:25

I, I wanted to be here.

Speaker: 00:30:27

I think in the end is that's the first step.

Speaker: 00:30:29

Is that there's gotta be a reason for you to either get help or to help yourself.

Speaker: 00:30:34

I wanted to be on this earth.

Speaker: 00:30:37

I wanted to live.

Speaker: 00:30:38

I didn't wanna just survive.

Speaker: 00:30:39

I wanted to live like, so I had a basis, I wanna be here.

Speaker: 00:30:45

Okay, so what am I gonna do to stay?

Speaker: 00:30:48

And I think like the day after, 'cause I really, I've talked to men

Speaker: 00:30:51

about this like the days before.

Speaker: 00:30:54

I tried to kill myself versus the day after are important days for me.

Speaker: 00:30:58

Cause I was low, low, low.

Speaker: 00:30:59

And then the next day I was a little bit higher, but the really important part is

Speaker: 00:31:03

that I didn't want to get there again.

Speaker: 00:31:06

So I was not going to let myself get to that level point.

Speaker: 00:31:09

How do I stay away from that?

Speaker: 00:31:12

Okay.

Speaker: 00:31:13

Went to college, failed out.

Speaker: 00:31:16

Okay.

Speaker: 00:31:16

Why?

Speaker: 00:31:17

Okay.

Speaker: 00:31:18

Life kind of sucked for you growing up, but let's just be honest here.

Speaker: 00:31:21

You went to college and you had way too much fun, way too much fun.

Speaker: 00:31:28

Having to sit there and metaphorically look yourself in the mirror and say,

Speaker: 00:31:34

you had a big hand in what happened and life was tough, but I let it get the

Speaker: 00:31:40

best of me and I enjoyed my life a lot.

Speaker: 00:31:43

And I'm, that's the reason why things didn't work out.

Speaker: 00:31:45

So I'm like, okay, this was me.

Speaker: 00:31:47

I have to think about this.

Speaker: 00:31:48

What could I have done better?

Speaker: 00:31:50

Could have gone to class more.

Speaker: 00:31:51

I could have studied more.

Speaker: 00:31:52

I could have went to the library instead of that frat party.

Speaker: 00:31:55

You know, I could have done all this.

Speaker: 00:31:56

I could have done all this, all these things.

Speaker: 00:31:58

And that's what I did.

Speaker: 00:31:59

I started really looking into myself and I recognize what happened to me, but I kind

Speaker: 00:32:03

of got past the point of kind of blaming my struggles for my previous struggles

Speaker: 00:32:08

and I realized, okay, what we went through younger sucks and it'll kind of

Speaker: 00:32:15

always be there, but we can get past it.

Speaker: 00:32:17

Right.

Speaker: 00:32:18

I don't have to let that define me, right?

Speaker: 00:32:21

Yes, Harvey, you don't have to.

Speaker: 00:32:23

So what are we going to do?

Speaker: 00:32:23

Okay.

Speaker: 00:32:24

Now I know I'm a smart guy.

Speaker: 00:32:26

I'm going to go to go back to school and I'm going to do something with myself.

Speaker: 00:32:30

And I've, it took me a while.

Speaker: 00:32:31

I had to recreate value for myself.

Speaker: 00:32:35

I am worth somebody being, I am worth going to school, educating myself,

Speaker: 00:32:41

becoming a good part of this world and being a good citizen, being

Speaker: 00:32:45

somebody that's somebody else likes.

Speaker: 00:32:47

I had to decide for myself that this person may not like me.

Speaker: 00:32:52

I may not have anybody to talk to.

Speaker: 00:32:53

So until I find those people, I have to talk to myself.

Speaker: 00:32:56

I have to be my own voice.

Speaker: 00:32:58

I have to listen.

Speaker: 00:32:59

I have to be the shoulder.

Speaker: 00:33:00

I cry.

Speaker: 00:33:00

I have to be me.

Speaker: 00:33:01

And that doesn't work if I don't like who I am.

Speaker: 00:33:05

So I have to become, I have to find the attributes so that I can be better.

Speaker: 00:33:11

So I really decided, okay, I failed there.

Speaker: 00:33:14

It sucks.

Speaker: 00:33:15

Don't let that define me.

Speaker: 00:33:16

That's not what I am.

Speaker: 00:33:17

That's just what I was.

Speaker: 00:33:18

That's not the person that I am.

Speaker: 00:33:20

The person that I am is empathetic, is loving, is intelligent, is driven,

Speaker: 00:33:26

loves people around him, loves family.

Speaker: 00:33:28

And I got better and better at school.

Speaker: 00:33:31

I finally did better.

Speaker: 00:33:32

Met people, finally did better.

Speaker: 00:33:34

Realize that I'm a good person.

Speaker: 00:33:36

Finally got better.

Speaker: 00:33:36

I had to get away from that house, had to get away from people.

Speaker: 00:33:40

But, and then I wrote stuff too, you know, I would do a little journaling to a

Speaker: 00:33:45

degree because I could just get stuff out.

Speaker: 00:33:47

And a good thing when I talked to men, you know, that journaling thing,

Speaker: 00:33:50

it's good to just get stuff out.

Speaker: 00:33:51

You find out a lot about yourself when you don't think, when you just

Speaker: 00:33:54

write, like when we send kids to school and they're, they're a literature

Speaker: 00:33:58

teacher, just write, just free, right?

Speaker: 00:34:00

You never know what comes out until you just do it.

Speaker: 00:34:02

And I would just write it out.

Speaker: 00:34:03

I'm like, Oh God, that's what I thought.

Speaker: 00:34:05

That's what he thought.

Speaker: 00:34:06

I thought about myself.

Speaker: 00:34:07

Or there would be good things.

Speaker: 00:34:09

Oh, that's what I want to do.

Speaker: 00:34:10

That's the guy I want to be.

Speaker: 00:34:12

It was acknowledging my mistakes, acknowledging my past, but recognizing

Speaker: 00:34:17

that I'm going to be so much more than these, than the bad situation in

Speaker: 00:34:20

college or the really bad situation with life growing up, I can be better.

Speaker: 00:34:25

And I had, it was a decision.

Speaker: 00:34:26

I had to push myself to be there and it took a while.

Speaker: 00:34:29

And to be honest, it is still a work in progress.

Speaker: 00:34:33

I am always trying to be better.

Speaker: 00:34:36

And now I just have more people I'm trying to be better for.

Speaker: 00:34:38

But at the top of that list, I wouldn't be better for me.

Speaker: 00:34:42

That is a key and pivotal like understanding is that it's like, yes,

Speaker: 00:34:49

you can be better for everybody, but it's like, it's got to start with me.

Speaker: 00:34:53

I've got to be the first one and I'm doing it for me.

Speaker: 00:34:55

Otherwise, it's just you're showing up for other people

Speaker: 00:34:58

and still not true to yourself.

Speaker: 00:35:02

Um, so how did you learn to then show up how you do now in communicating

Speaker: 00:35:11

honestly and genuinely with other men when that wasn't something that you

Speaker: 00:35:16

had in any shape or form growing up?

Speaker: 00:35:20

How did you then begin engaging in the conversation of saying,

Speaker: 00:35:24

Hey, this is where I'm at.

Speaker: 00:35:25

I'm struggling.

Speaker: 00:35:26

I'm, I'm hurt.

Speaker: 00:35:27

I'm really confused.

Speaker: 00:35:28

I don't understand this.

Speaker: 00:35:31

How did, how did the communication with other guys start for you?

Speaker: 00:35:35

So, like you mentioned, we started with love is black and I enjoyed that

Speaker: 00:35:40

podcast and I still love doing it.

Speaker: 00:35:42

It's, we would, at first, the first season was just me and my wife just

Speaker: 00:35:45

talking about our relationship.

Speaker: 00:35:47

The second season, we brought couples in.

Speaker: 00:35:50

And the reason the podcast is called Love is Black is because

Speaker: 00:35:53

we wanted a podcast, we wanted to show black love in its purest form.

Speaker: 00:35:58

We are, we love each other, and black love isn't always portrayed in the best way.

Speaker: 00:36:04

So we wanted to make sure that you see a couple who love each other.

Speaker: 00:36:09

So we would get couples on.

Speaker: 00:36:11

And a lot of the times husbands would be like, all right, so how do you do this?

Speaker: 00:36:14

And I'd be giving advice and talking stuff and inadvertently

Speaker: 00:36:18

was kind of becoming this guy, not really knowing I was doing it.

Speaker: 00:36:21

I'm a little bit older.

Speaker: 00:36:22

I guess I'm wiser.

Speaker: 00:36:24

I have some experience.

Speaker: 00:36:25

I've gone through some stuff.

Speaker: 00:36:26

So that's what it led to.

Speaker: 00:36:27

Because then even after that, I was still keeping contact.

Speaker: 00:36:32

But the husbands that I would speak to, and they weren't all husbands.

Speaker: 00:36:34

Sometimes they would just, you know, maybe they, maybe just life

Speaker: 00:36:38

partners or boyfriends, whatever.

Speaker: 00:36:39

And I would still talk to these guys, you know, we have this argument and whatever,

Speaker: 00:36:43

and I'm not sure what's going on with life and I don't know if I can still do this

Speaker: 00:36:45

and I'm talking and I'd be giving them like, you know, you married this person,

Speaker: 00:36:51

is she, is she worth you sticking it out?

Speaker: 00:36:54

And I would give this advice that we would still talk and we will keep.

Speaker: 00:36:59

And that kind of led me to, you know what, I think I can do this for other

Speaker: 00:37:02

men and it's not just relationships.

Speaker: 00:37:05

It's life.

Speaker: 00:37:06

So let's just start.

Speaker: 00:37:08

And I also got into this point where I felt so good about where

Speaker: 00:37:13

I was, that I can relate to men who are coming from where I was.

Speaker: 00:37:19

So it's a combination.

Speaker: 00:37:20

I'm kind of doing it with these men off of the love is black podcast and

Speaker: 00:37:24

friends who would ask me for advice.

Speaker: 00:37:26

And this.

Speaker: 00:37:27

Um, realization that I can really help men because we don't have a lot of help.

Speaker: 00:37:33

And we men attempt suicide at a far higher rate than women do.

Speaker: 00:37:37

And we're not going to ask for help.

Speaker: 00:37:39

I'm not going to go to the doctor.

Speaker: 00:37:40

If I have, if I may, I may have a heart issue and I'll never know.

Speaker: 00:37:43

I may be a diabetic and I'll never know.

Speaker: 00:37:45

We do not take care of ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally.

Speaker: 00:37:50

And I'm like, I can help men.

Speaker: 00:37:52

I can do it.

Speaker: 00:37:53

And it was just, it all converged the men from the podcast.

Speaker: 00:37:58

Me recognizing where I was and just friends asking people like,

Speaker: 00:38:02

Oh, well, how long have you been doing this coaching thing?

Speaker: 00:38:04

I haven't been coaching anybody.

Speaker: 00:38:06

Maybe I should after a few people said it.

Speaker: 00:38:08

So it was, I feel maybe by accident, but it was a good one.

Speaker: 00:38:15

And like you said, man, Harvey, if you look at statistics,

Speaker: 00:38:20

we as men don't show up.

Speaker: 00:38:22

As much as women do for depression, right?

Speaker: 00:38:25

We're not there talking and saying, Hey, I am depressed, but man, when it comes

Speaker: 00:38:30

to suicide, we're four times higher.

Speaker: 00:38:34

I mean, that's, that's not like a few percentage points.

Speaker: 00:38:38

That is a whole nother level where just like, you know, you've been

Speaker: 00:38:43

talking about, we don't feel like we have anybody to talk about.

Speaker: 00:38:47

And Kind of, if we do share it, what's the perception going to be?

Speaker: 00:38:52

So I just need to suck it up and be quiet.

Speaker: 00:38:55

What's my, what's my option.

Speaker: 00:38:59

And a lot of men just see it as, Hey, I don't need to be here anymore.

Speaker: 00:39:04

Nobody will miss me.

Speaker: 00:39:05

I bring no value and that is not true in the least, but we get to that point

Speaker: 00:39:11

of desperation and rather than going and talking about it, we feel like I

Speaker: 00:39:16

need to make this ultimate decision.

Speaker: 00:39:18

So, um, Yeah, it's, it's just astronomically different, um, for men.

Speaker: 00:39:27

Well, dude, Harvey, we're kind of at that point.

Speaker: 00:39:30

I need to wrap it up.

Speaker: 00:39:32

I want to make sure we leave this conversation with ensuring that guys can

Speaker: 00:39:37

connect with you outside of this podcast.

Speaker: 00:39:39

So how can men reach out to you, man?

Speaker: 00:39:42

So.

Speaker: 00:39:43

The first thing I would say is if you want to reach me, I

Speaker: 00:39:46

would say, go to my website.

Speaker: 00:39:47

That's harveylegare.

Speaker: 00:39:48

com.

Speaker: 00:39:49

So it's my name.

Speaker: 00:39:50

It's on the screen.

Speaker: 00:39:51

Harvey Legare, H A R V E Y L A G U E R R E. com.

Speaker: 00:39:56

You'll find the podcast, all my social media is there.

Speaker: 00:39:59

My email address is there.

Speaker: 00:40:01

If you want to talk to me, go to my website for the podcast, harveylegare.

Speaker: 00:40:06

com.

Speaker: 00:40:06

If you want to talk about.

Speaker: 00:40:09

Are we looking for potential coaching opportunities for me to help you?

Speaker: 00:40:12

I have a website that's called Inspire the prize.com.

Speaker: 00:40:17

That's my coaching side.

Speaker: 00:40:19

We'll schedule a time.

Speaker: 00:40:21

There's no cost for that, and we'll talk.

Speaker: 00:40:23

It's a brutally honest conversation and if I can help you, I'll let you

Speaker: 00:40:27

know what I do, how it's gonna work.

Speaker: 00:40:30

At that point, we're just talking and sometimes that's what we need.

Speaker: 00:40:35

As men, sometimes I just, I just need to say it.

Speaker: 00:40:38

Sometimes it's not a problem.

Speaker: 00:40:40

I just needed to get out how I was feeling.

Speaker: 00:40:42

And sometimes it is a problem and sometimes we need to deal with it.

Speaker: 00:40:45

So to reach me, to reach the podcast, harleygear.

Speaker: 00:40:49

com to get me and we can get to some coaching is inspire the prize.

Speaker: 00:40:53

Um, Otherwise, I'm on Facebook or whatever, and we can talk baseball.

Speaker: 00:40:59

We can talk.

Speaker: 00:40:59

I love wrestling.

Speaker: 00:41:01

You know, I have a whole different side, too.

Speaker: 00:41:02

I love all this other stuff.

Speaker: 00:41:04

But if you want to reach if you want to get to me, I would say go

Speaker: 00:41:09

to harbor the gear dot com first, and then we'll work off of that.

Speaker: 00:41:12

Cool.

Speaker: 00:41:13

And we'll put links in the show notes as well.

Speaker: 00:41:15

Harvey, I appreciate it, my friend.

Speaker: 00:41:17

Thank you very much for joining me, sharing your journey and the insight

Speaker: 00:41:21

and dude the transformation and and it.

Speaker: 00:41:25

The key foundation that it's like we need to work on ourselves for

Speaker: 00:41:28

ourselves, first and foremost.

Speaker: 00:41:30

So Harvey, thank you very much, my friend.

Speaker: 00:41:33

I talk to men when I end my podcast and I'd like to do it with you if that's okay.

Speaker: 00:41:37

And this is the message I leave every podcast with.

Speaker: 00:41:39

We talked about suicide and how absolutely ridiculous how many men attempt suicide.

Speaker: 00:41:44

And I end my podcast with this, that it's a reminder to every man out there.

Speaker: 00:41:51

Life is difficult.

Speaker: 00:41:53

Life is hard.

Speaker: 00:41:54

It challenges us the weight of the world on our shoulders.

Speaker: 00:41:59

But I want to let you know that this world is better because you're here.

Speaker: 00:42:05

A lot of men don't recognize and I tell you, you know what, there's somebody

Speaker: 00:42:09

who's waiting to talk to you today.

Speaker: 00:42:11

Somebody who's waiting for that phone call.

Speaker: 00:42:13

They know you're calling and they had a bad day and you're going to

Speaker: 00:42:17

call them and they're going to laugh.

Speaker: 00:42:19

They're going to debate with you.

Speaker: 00:42:20

They're going to argue with you, but you're making their day.

Speaker: 00:42:24

Or there's somebody waiting for you to walk into a room, maybe it's

Speaker: 00:42:26

work, maybe supermarket, maybe it's the gym, you affect somebody and

Speaker: 00:42:31

you don't even know that you do it.

Speaker: 00:42:33

You are so important in this world.

Speaker: 00:42:36

Your value, your presence is a present to so many people.

Speaker: 00:42:41

So you can't go.

Speaker: 00:42:43

Life can suck.

Speaker: 00:42:44

And sometimes it may seem easier to leave, but we need you.

Speaker: 00:42:48

You cannot.

Speaker: 00:42:50

If you're there, find me, find Mike, find somebody, because this

Speaker: 00:42:57

world is better when you're in it.

Speaker: 00:42:59

We need every man we can get.

Speaker: 00:43:02

And I don't know you, to the listener or the watcher, but I

Speaker: 00:43:06

guarantee you, you bring something to this world that is necessary.

Speaker: 00:43:10

So don't make that decision.

Speaker: 00:43:13

Make the right decision to stay with us, because you are a human.

Speaker: 00:43:16

Amazing man.

Speaker: 00:43:18

You are a wonderful man and you are the prize.

Speaker: 00:43:23

Thanks, man.

Speaker: 00:43:24

Wow.

Speaker: 00:43:24

Thank you, Harvey.

Speaker: 00:43:25

That is a hundred percent true and super powerful.

Speaker: 00:43:29

So I look forward to hearing stories of how this resonates with men and

Speaker: 00:43:33

encourages them to fight another day, fight another hour, fight another minute.

Speaker: 00:43:39

Harvey.

Speaker: 00:43:40

Thank you, man.