116 - Robbie Harvey : how doing his best to be a better man changed his marriage

LFTP S2 E116 Robbie Harvey

===

[: 00:00:00

And I can tell you from what he says, that I've walked the same path. I've been that former bad husband, you know, Unhealthy guy. And, uh, so if you would welcome with me today, Robbie Harvey and, uh, Robbie, how are you doing today, man?

[: 00:00:45

Uh, [: 00:01:00

[: 00:01:07

Falling out of trees and stuff. So hopefully it's not as drastic and cold as it was recently.

[: 00:01:32

[: 00:01:39

u know, in the guy who I was [: 00:02:00

Um, how did you. Come about, like deciding to share that and go that direction to be the voice. Because like I said, man, you take flack from, from men and women for what you're sharing.

[: 00:02:33

thought it would be. And my [: 00:03:00

We have fun. We like to laugh. We like to joke. Uh, we like to poke fun at each other and we saw some couples videos, and I was like, well, we could do that. So I originally started my Ted talk as, uh, as for fun and, and try to make people laugh and, uh, do that. And then I did one serious Tik tock. Marriage and how I look at my wife and how I treat her and it exploded.

t, that's who I used to baby.[: 00:04:00

And so it was kind of a flashback. And when you're, you know, a bad husband, you kind of think. You don't really think about other people because you're so self-centered, and you're so into yourself and things of that nature until you get out of it and you can take the blinders off and you see there's a bigger problem here.

Um, I didn't realize that there was more versions of me out there, if that makes sense. Um, and I look back now. Oh, my gosh, that's terrible. And what I have come to find out. And I think the biggest thing that I have learned is women just feel like they don't have a voice and they don't know how to communicate to their husbands.

'll communicate for you. Um, [: 00:05:00

[: 00:05:12

It's one of those of people definitely will engage. So this isn't who, you know who you are now, isn't who you've always been. So who are you now? Let's talk on like the business side of things. Let's start there and we'll move into personal afterwards.

[: 00:05:36

he should have been treated. [: 00:06:00

Um, I'm also an announcer, so I announced, um, stock, car racing. Uh, and so I've been doing that for many years and, um, that's kind of who I am on the professional side. Um, you know, on the personal side, um, It's night and day, um, from who I used to be 10 years ago to today, um, I'm a much more empathetic person.

to listening to my wife and [: 00:07:00

Um, and she is truly become my best friend over these past 5, 6, 7 years. Um, versus we were just. Roommates before, um, on two different paths. And so, uh, that's, that's kinda how, who I am today. That's awesome.

[: 00:07:27

times where it's like, it's [: 00:08:00

Life is not always exciting. And so, you know, there's that opportunity to, to choose to just fall into a rut. Um, how do you go about. You know, choosing to see your wife as your best friend, um, to be empathetic to her, you know, and your children, you've got three, I believe, right? Yes. Yeah. So as a dad and a husband, how are you choosing to step in, um, into those roles with those characteristics?

[: 00:08:36

I'm thankful for. Uh, my kid's report card. Uh, I do that every day and that's a new thing that I've started to pass a couple of years. Um, I have found that if you're intentional and, and focusing on the good, that that can make a huge difference. So to give you an example, my wife and I we're about to celebrate our 14th anniversary.

We're going away on a little trip. She texted me and said, Hey, why don't we get manicures and pedicures on our trip? Now, let me tell you if she would have texted that five years ago, I would have instantly said absolutely not. I'm not doing that. And I would've replied with a negative attitude. I would have almost been angry that she would even suggest, but my instant response was.

Okay, absolutely. [: 00:10:00

diately. She now knows. And, [: 00:11:00

She knew my answer before I would answer her. She knew what I would say. She knew I would have an attitude. She knew I would be a jerk. Um, but now she knows, Hey, I can ask him. And he might he'll he'll probably say yes. Now there may be a day where I'm extremely tired and say no, but at least my no is respectful.

At least my no is, Hey, babe, I'm just really tired today. Um, if you don't mind, you can go ahead and go. You know, so that's, that's what I do now, um, to invest in my wife, um, and not say no constantly.

[: 00:11:45

s, Hey, can I play this with [: 00:12:00

Like you're talking about going get in a Manny petty dude. Like, it doesn't mean diddly squat to you or I, but to our wife, it's like, Hey, I want you to participate. And be there with me in this. And, uh, I mean, that's, that's amazing that she wants to, to have you there. And why would we not expect for their reaction to be the same when, you know, we get so elated and excited when they want to be a part of our world.

Um,

[: 00:12:58

Um, and that's all I care about, uh, is her opinion. And. That's why I kind of get, I chuckle at some of these comments from men on my stuff. They say, you're just doing this for the attention from all these women. Um, no, because the only woman I care about, um, is with me every single night, um, next to me in our bed and that's who I care about.

men can get over what others [: 00:14:00

[: 00:14:07

Same thing with parenting. I mean, do you guys still have. Have like challenges that, you know, people are throwing in the comments and going, well, if you were married and had this problem, is, is life still real for you? You know, in spite of everything you're doing to be empathetic and loving.

[: 00:14:50

the difference now is in the [: 00:15:00

It's okay to just go talk to her and say, Hey listen, can we, can you not do that please? Right now, it's very, you know, and so we just communicate better. We still have arguments that's normal, but our arguments aren't intended to tear each other down anymore. Uh, it's more about solving the problem and we have learned.

this one issue, um, bring us [: 00:16:00

We still have, um, family issues outside of our mayor. Uh, we still have frustrating days. I mean, my wife this morning just said I'm very moody today. Okay. I know, you know, so, uh, all that exists and, um, that's, that's the one thing I want people to understand. We don't have it all together. Um, my, uh, I try not to present myself as if we do, um, but.

You can get through this just by tweaking a few little things here and there. Yeah.

[: 00:16:54

Where it's still rough, but yeah. It's doable. Um, you know, and, and to think that it's like, it's always clear, clear sailing or smooth seas, not realistic life is still going to occur. Um, The, the reality of it, the benefit of it in being on the same page, being a, uh, a healthy man and being open and loving to your wife and family is just, it's so different.

s a former bat husband, what [: 00:18:00

[: 00:18:14

Um, just typical stuff. Be mean. And my wife literally told me a few years ago, I went into our marriage expecting to be divorced. That's kind of a punch to the stomach. I'm hearing it nowadays. And you think my gosh, that's how awful I was, but that's how sad she was going into our wedding day. Um, and I'm shocked.

igger warning type of thing. [: 00:20:00

Now, some of these men, they say awful things. I never got that bad. And of course I get a lot of, uh, physical abuse and it was never like that with her and I, but I tore my wife down mentally on a regular basis. I made her feel worthless. Uh, I made her. I feel like she didn't matter. Um, I could've cared less about how she felt about anything, any subject.

Um, if we were going to a restaurant, it was going to be my decision. Uh, if we were going on vacation, it was going to be up to me. And so, you know, little things like that matter. And then of course our arguments, we argued on a regular basis and. Typical narcissist this things where I would just threaten to leave her and say, well, I'll just leave.

rce papers tomorrow. I would [: 00:21:00

[: 00:21:04

People hurt people, hurt people, meaning that yeah, there's going to be stuff that comes up on either side were. At fault potentially, right? I mean, you know, it's, some of us are further down the rabbit hole than others. I was very much near the bottom. So if you fell, I would have waived, um, with that being said, Robbie.

vious Robbie to what's going [: 00:22:00

[: 00:22:31

This is what's happening. And it's okay. There is a path, there is a path to healing and saving your marriage. And I get messages from women all the time and say, Hey, you've saved our marriage and I just respond. No, I didn't. I just helped open your eyes. That's it. Um, you guys are saving your marriage. Men.

I, I guess we don't realize how sensitive women are. We don't realize how hurtful our words can be. I certainly did. Um, You know, the littlest of comments can change a woman's whole mentality. And so that's what I'm trying to help men understand. And it's hard for us, especially when we're young, uh, and dumb and not able to process all this stuff.

And [: 00:24:00

[: 00:24:20

It was not subtlety was not going to get through to me.

[: 00:24:31

And, [: 00:25:00

[: 00:25:04

Right? Like right now you're a dad, right? Your children are going to grow up and then they're going to be parents and they will, you know, For you grandchildren. So it's one of we're we're in a place of making powerful decisions. What we decide to do as men who are our hurt is we can look at this and go, what kind of legacy do I want to leave?

ildren's move forward. And a [: 00:26:00

[: 00:26:13

e man at home. And that just [: 00:27:00

And it's the same person at home as in the videos. And I let them see how I treat their, their mom, um, constantly hugging her, constantly giving her kisses, constantly complimenting her and saying, thank you and things. I want my daughter to see, Hey, this is how a woman is treated. So yeah, being a dad. Uh, it's a big part of why I'm doing this.

[: 00:27:42

Right? How does, how does that impact them?

[: 00:28:15

t a sermon. Um, um, so I, I. [: 00:29:00

And I try to teach my kids set and I try to say, Hey, you don't have to be someone fake just because of who you are at church or what be real. And so I don't pretend to be anything other than who I am. And a lot of people disliked me, um, because, uh, um, my tic talks and, uh, uh, my straight to the. Um, thoughts and, and things of that nature.

come home, the person I see [: 00:30:00

The woman I see on Sunday at church is the exact same woman at home when it's just her. And I, uh, so I think if the church was more like that, don't be ashamed of who you are. Don't be ashamed of the mistakes you've made, you know, learn from it and, and. Let it be your testimony. Uh, we can make a huge difference.

[: 00:30:37

Um, in, in what I'm watching and hearing from me, Robbie, like you are taking responsibility for who you are. And like your actions, your thoughts, your beliefs. Is that something that's been important in the transformation from who you were to who you are now today?

[: 00:31:31

was a terrible husband to my [: 00:32:00

Uh, but I look back now and my mother did her best and I'm thankful for that. She worked hard to be a single mom and provide the best for me. And so I don't let that be an excuse. Uh, I was never taught how to be a father. I was never taught how to be a man. I was never taught how to love a woman. Um, I was never taught any of those things.

I told them, I said, my goal [: 00:33:00

Um, but, um, yeah, I, I. I don't have it together. Uh, we'll never have it together and I'm just real with people. And I think people kind of take offense to that because they're like, well, you work for your church, so you're supposed to have it together. Well, why, um, why? I think that's the problem. Uh, some pastors just aren't open.

Um, and I think that's why a lot of people respond to me because of. They feel like, Hey, he's on our level. Um, and that's good. Cause all pastors are on your level, um, to some of them fake it. So that's how it is.

[: 00:33:59

You'll put on a facade and make it look good. It's so it's, it's. It's a prevalent thing. I think it's a false garment that we put on. Um, so Robbie, let's say I'm still the guy that I was before and I'm out here in Kansas. I don't have access to like, you know, your pastor to have that conversation. What could I use to get from who I was to, you know, Kind of like where you're talking about now, you know, like having this relationship with your wife and your children, how can I'm, how can I learn that stuff?

Like you said, you didn't learn from your dad. How can I go about learning that what's some tools that you would suggest for me? So

[: 00:34:54

So it's like a weight loss. Um, say you want to lose 50 pounds, but you want to lose that 50 pounds tomorrow. You want to lose it next week. And you think about the finish line first instead of taking the first step. Um, my wife and I we're we're runners. Um, if we get to the starting line and start thinking.

About the finish line, which is six miles away. Uh, it's discouraging. And you have to think about the first mile and the second mile. And so that's my biggest advice to people. I understand that this is a journey. You're not going to figure it out tomorrow. I tell people, just take it 1% each day, be 1% better than you were yesterday.

o that, imagine where you'll [: 00:36:00

Um, so. And then I started surrounding myself with other good people. You know, you may not have learned how to be a good man or a good husband, but you can choose to surround yourself with good men and good husbands and just surround yourself. You don't have to have a weekly meeting with them and have them teach you, just surround yourself with good men and surround yourself with good couples.

% better. [: 00:37:00

Um, that's what I would say to people.

[: 00:37:25

[: 00:37:32

y, or anyone says it's easy. [: 00:38:00

And then when you cross the finish line, that feeling of crossing the finish line, there's nothing better, uh, that can be applied to everything, including your marriage. Uh, last year, my wife and I, I mean, we, we went through it, um, and there's a lot of details that people don't know, uh, that will probably come out eventually.

we worked hard and we stuck [: 00:39:00

[: 00:39:19

So congratulations my friend.

[: 00:39:41

[: 00:39:58

Um, you know, and that's, I can't change my. I can't change my children, but the one thing I have power in is changing me. And, uh, for so long I missed that and I was like, Nope, I'm okay. It's everybody else in the world that's messed up. That's

[: 00:40:26

if men can realize that, um, [: 00:41:00

One of

[: 00:41:07

And is that actually helpful in restoring the relationship?

[: 00:41:40

There's nothing I can do to change it. Now, six, seven years ago, I could say, Hey, okay, I'm going to do better. I'm sorry. Give me another chance. Give me another shot. Um, but today I really am doing my best and I really am giving it my all and I really am trying. Now would I be heartbroken? Do I want her to do that?

cience and knowing I gave my [: 00:43:00

But that's okay. We're past that now. So just give your best, give your best, give your best. And, and, and if your wife still doesn't respond, our walks out, you know, in your heart, you did everything you could. It's

[: 00:43:28

We have a position of power to, to take that first step. I mean, if you and I are sitting here arguing. And one of us, doesn't say, you know, we don't take that step towards reconciliation. Things just get worse and worse. I think we've all seen that either in our own relationships or those around us. So our marriage is going to be no different.

expect it to be is just kind [: 00:44:00

[: 00:44:02

I know there's bad women out there. No one's seen there's not, but I want you to do your best. Um, and, and, and, you know, a lot of people think. That abuse is a competition. No, it's not a competition. I know women can abuse men, but I'm a man. I'm a husband. I'm given advice from a man's perspective and I want men to be better.

me to tell a woman, uh, uh, [: 00:45:00

[: 00:45:18

Cause, cause it's like your home. Your heart is there, like it's, it's, it's hard not to pick it up in what you're sharing and how you share it. You know, it's like, I want you as a man to step into this role, this responsibility and do what you can do. You can't fix your wife. You can't make anybody change.

t. So thank you Robbie again [: 00:46:00

Um, Robbie, how can people reach out, you know, after the podcast and, and hear some of this stuff and get that encouragement from you to step into this, this higher level of, of manhood that you're calling them into.

[: 00:46:43

know, I, I keep my DMS open [: 00:47:00

[: 00:47:21

[: 00:47:39