From Anxiety to Peace : Better Mental Health By Rethinking Priorities with Erik DaRosa

Mike Forrester: [: 00:00:00

Erik DaRosa: Mike, thank you so much for having me on the show today. I'm really excited. Even just from our discussion before we came on air, the [00:01:00] connection, I can already feel is, is super deep. It's as though I'm talking to an old friend. So thank you and doing really great today. Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Living here in the Colorado Rockies ski season, uh, is, has kicked off. You know, closer to the Denver area already, and we open up on Thanksgiving day, and it, it feels like that transition from fall to winter, at least for me, uh, is, is a bit complete and so really excited, excited to be here and to be talking with you and your audience today.

Mike Forrester: I appreciate it. I may have to like mow the leaves out front of my house and then plan on next week come and skiing or snowboarding at your place.

we haven't had leaves on the [: 00:02:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah, they're still, they're still on a lot have fallen, but there's still, still a lot on. So, oh man. Well, Erik, let's start off, what does life look like for you today on the professional side?

the From Survivor to Thriver [: 00:03:00

Mike Forrester: And that's so powerful. I know for me and you likewise, we both talked about this, is we had it in our heads and just had this belief that it was just me. There's nobody else experiencing this. And it's like, as we begin talking about it, there's nothing further from the truth. We've all got to struggle. It's just, we're doing this whole like mums the word, you know, if I don't speak about it, you can't look at me differently.

or I speak with and we start [: 00:05:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. And I think it takes a while to become accustomed to it because we've had decades of that belief becoming almost like stone in our life, right?

Erik DaRosa: Yes.

Mike Forrester: It's, it's a rock solid belief and so it's like, I need to erode this.

Erik DaRosa: Yes.

am I going to hear from Erik [: 00:06:00

Erik DaRosa: Yes.

Mike Forrester: So we're more alike than we think.

t least in my physical body. [: 00:07:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah, understood. And I fully agree. Well, let me jump back a bit and what does life look like on the personal side? I mean, we know you're in Colorado, you're getting to enjoy the snow, but what's the rest of the picture for you?

m. And talking about, it was [: 00:08:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. One thing, and I didn't expect this, but from what you've said, I want to kind of ask this. So you are now writing again. It was something as a child you were doing right in your younger years. Was that something that you were passionate about back then that you set aside because it wasn't accepted or said, Hey, this is beneficial. And you're now picking up that passion again? Is that kind of what I'm hearing?

Erik DaRosa: So that's a [: 00:11:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. The, the reason why I asked is this is pretty common with, you know, myself, the men I coach, the men I talk to, you know, guests is that we'll see that we'll have this passion, this gifting, but somebody says something. Whether it's a parent, a teacher, a friend, whomever, and we then set that part to sleep, right? We just kind of, like you talked about, I wasn't good at math, but I had this as my front and center skill. And the writing just kind of takes a back burner. It almost is like a volcano that just, you know, becomes dormant for a while. And when we heal, we do that, you know, that self work and we start becoming all we're meant to be. Then it's like, it comes back with a vengeance, right?

, totally. And, and you were [: 00:18:00

Mike Forrester: That's phenomenal. Man, and that's the thing I think is like we almost wear like these masks, right? I was very much a chameleon. I had a whole slew of masks and it's like we almost set those things aside and forget them to the point that when you are healing, you have to go through a whole process of going, what do I enjoy doing? What do I want? What are my dreams? You know, it's like those dreams have been like buried and it's that process of uncovering and now it comes back [00:21:00] with a vengeance and it's something where you really accelerate and you're like, Hey, I didn't think about doing this. I'm going to do this. And now because you've healed, you also have this like a higher risk, right? You just talked about jumping in on the podcast. I have no clue what it takes to start a podcast, but this is what you wanted to do.

Erik DaRosa: Yeah.

Mike Forrester: And, um, so I, I want to go from that, right? We see you now, where's this, there's this resilience, high risk. You understand your dreams, but that's not always been the case. You talked about three acts before we jump into that, you had mentioned, you know, like, Hey, you got married to your wife. What act was it that you guys got married? Was it act one, two or?

Colorado. So we got married [: 00:22:00

Mike Forrester: So almost my understanding, like 10 to 12 years after having met your wife, right?

Erik DaRosa: Yes.

Mike Forrester: Okay. So she's seen you for who you were to obviously who you are and gone through the whole process with you. It's not just, Hey, it's Erik going through this solo.

Erik DaRosa: No.

journey with you across the [: 00:23:00

Erik DaRosa: Which I want to point out for your audience is I see that as like a superpower and a. And a really important message, as I know a lot of people are fearful of what is going to happen if I open up and share what's going on with me and I tell my story and I'm here to tell you that you can share your story. And people are not going to run from you. People are not going to leave you. The people who care most about you in your life are going to stand by you. They want to see you heal. They want to see, as I say now, people are always like, how are you feeling? Are you better? Are you back to yourself? And I'm like, I'm not back to myself. Like I am a much better version of my [00:24:00] former self. I don't ever want to get back to my old self. I love this new version of me. And so that's, that's a really important message. And the same goes for my, my cohost on the podcast. He's been married now for, uh, I believe 21 years. And as he started to share his mental health struggles, like he and his wife, like that she was, you know, she has stood by him and I think that is more common than people realize.

ling everybody around me, my [: 00:25:00

Erik DaRosa: We, yeah, we had, it was interesting. So when Amy and I met, I think we both met at a time and she and I both, and I think that's another area where I'm very lucky. My wife struggles, you know, with, uh, her own anxiety and OCD as well. Not, not to the extent that I've, I have over my life, but we both met at a time when it was kind of like, not at its peak, right? So life for both of us. I [00:26:00] was a junior in college. She was a sophomore in college. Things were going, I'm just going to use air quotes, like okay for us at that time. Uh, then my wife was struggling a little bit when we were living in New York. And so I saw like, I saw what was happening through her lens, uh, and was able to help her, but I never broke down my wall or my barrier to say, Hey, you know, I'm going through something similar. And, uh, I feel like I could be given an Oscar for, uh, the performance that I played in for the first 33 years of my life. And, you know, I hid it exceptionally well. Uh, I tell people now I had instances at work where again, I'm a grown adult male at this point in time where I would leave the trading desk and I would [00:27:00] go into a bathroom stall and I would curl up in a ball and I'd be crying thinking, I can't, there's no way I can get through this day. Like I can't, people are going to see what's going on with me, right? And so, um, so let's just start shattering and all those myths right now, Mike about we can't show our feelings, this never happens to men, right? I was that person and, but I never let Amy in on it until, you know, 2004, I write about in the book, I had my first of two, uh, dissociative episodes, uh, psychotic breaks. They used to call them nervous breakdowns, however we want to describe it. And I couldn't hide it anymore because there it was, it had hit rock bottom and I was kind of this shell that, um, you know, I, I had to come clean. And from that point on, I've been super [00:28:00] open and super honest. And then I took that to the next step where I said, I'm not just going to tell my wife and I'm not just going to tell my friends, but now I am going to have a public voice and I'm going to speak up and speak out so that other people know that a, it's perfectly okay to not always be okay. And, and two, you're not alone. There's somebody else out there. Even if you've never met someone. Here I am and I've gone through it and I've come out the other side, not only once, not only twice, but three times I've been able to come out the other side and I've grown and I've become stronger each time and I've found my voice a little bit more and it can absolutely positively be done.

Mike Forrester: Yeah. I think the important thing from what you've just talked about is it's a lifelong journey. It's not like we hit a destination and you're done.

Erik DaRosa: No.

just need to muscle through [: 00:29:00

Erik DaRosa: Yes.

Mike Forrester: I think we've all heard that phrase and there's nothing further from the truth. This is like a marathon or an ultra marathon where it's like, take it in bite size pieces, deal with something you don't need to try and, you know, rectify everything in one fell swoop.

at. Uh, I alluded to it. And [: 00:30:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah, and it doesn't mean we're not going to be exhausted at another point in the race.

Erik DaRosa: Nope.

Mike Forrester: But, but we have at least learned something, right? The more we run, the more endurance we get, the more insight we have. I mean, it just builds upon itself. Um, I want to jump back a bit here. So, you're working trading and I can only imagine that's gotta be like super stressful and you're already experiencing anxiety. Like, what did the anxiety look like before you started trading and then how did the trading impact it?

and now I've been officially [: 00:32:00

Mike Forrester: Mm-Hmm.

the light switch on and off [: 00:34:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah, that is a very pervasive and common, like fear. And I think in certain places, because of who's managing, it's a real, you know, situation, but you have to get to a point is it the job, or is it my health? You know, where do I put myself because like you talked about, you went through those episodes of just like, Hey, okay, I reached a point in my body shut down. How far are we willing to push our body and then find out what the consequences are? Because while it may be okay, a couple of times, that third or fourth or fifth time, it may not be and the consequences may not be recoverable. Like, you know, for me, I [00:39:00] ended up, I thought it was a badge of honor. I was looking for validation from my work and sleeping four hours a night and taking work calls at 3 AM. Dude, I, I have tremors in my left hand and I'm now spending time, effort, and, you know, energy to reclaim my health because of something I did chasing an empty brownie badge.

Erik DaRosa: Yes.

Mike Forrester: It's like, it doesn't pay off in the longterm, but the, the bill has to be paid at some point. And it's, how do you want to pay it? And which bill do you want to pay? Um, because it's gonna come due. I mean, is that like the similar thing you see or?

ravel a lot on business and, [: 00:40:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. I think you and I get to stand here on the other side going, Hey, it took us a long time to discover this.

Erik DaRosa: Yes.

Mike Forrester: Here's a gift. Don't take the time. Take action now.

Erik DaRosa: Yes.

and put on like a realistic [: 00:44:00

Erik DaRosa: Yeah, no, you're so right. And what happens is, especially in so many work environments, we end up, like the amygdala is what's driving us 24/7 in the office. And so if we're already struggling with our mental health and we go from fight or flight mode, whether we're living in anxiety or depression or anywhere in the spectrum there, we're already in a place where our brain is not functioning. And so you go into a work environment, right? And people talk about like, Oh, I've been putting out these fires. And, and I'm like, 24/7, like you are in fight or flight mode. And what that's doing to you mentally and what it's doing to you physically is literally killing you, [00:45:00] literally killing you. And unless we learn how to pull back and we learn how to put up boundaries. And we learn how to let the prefrontal cortex of our brains become the CEO. I always talk about the CEO of my brain was my amygdala for so long. And finally it realized, wait a minute, I'm sitting in the wrong office. And then I had to do all this work to help the CEO move. And that's all the therapy I've done. And I've had to show them like okay, we're gonna walk down this hallway and we're gonna take these boxes with us. And now we're gonna, here's where the office is, right? Oh, you can now see out the window, right? It's like driving from the back seat. And that's kind of how many of us live our lives. And, and as you said, we think it's a badge of honor. It's, there's a reason why when. Whenever you meet people, the first question I always hear is, well, what do you do for a living? And I think [00:46:00] I'm not going to answer the question. Like I don't ask that question. And now when a lot of people ask me that I just turn away. I'm like, if, if what I do for a living is the most important thing to you, then you don't really want to get to know me as an individual. But we're so trained and conditioned that what we do defines us. And it's so not the reality.

Mike Forrester: Yeah. It's another one of those things we've just become acclimated to. It's normal. And that's the default of how, when you meet somebody, how do you, you know, establish that connection I think is along the same lines of like, Erik, how are you doing? I'm expecting fine, good, something superficial and just to, uh, fulfill that question.

Erik DaRosa: Yes. Yes.

Mike Forrester: And be like, I was honoring of your time and how you are.

Erik DaRosa: Yes.

Mike Forrester: Check the box.

n we have taken, how are you [: 00:47:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah, I 100% agree. Um, so when you got through making the change, right, you said enough is [00:49:00] enough. Like, how did you step into making those changes? Because how we see you now, resilient, high risk, comfortable in your own skin, you're not stressed out, you're aware of what's going on. But before that, I mean, you're in a high pressure situation, you've got your anxiety, it goes from you know, up to 10 goes back down and then goes to 35, you know, and so how did you one, make that change? But then how did things around you change? I can only imagine like you're feeling the change in your life, the relationship between you and Amy changes. Like what was that all like?

, that's a great question. So: 2004

Mike Forrester: And, a 100%. The amazing thing, and you [00:59:00] and I are great examples in this, you do things a little more creative, a little more fluid. I because of my personality and kind of my bent, I'm more rigid. Like I have a routine. I know it works. I sample and try other stuff. But the thing that both of us did, and this is the crucial part, is we tried things to get us out. Because if we continue to do nothing, like not taking action for a different outcome, we stay in that spot and that doesn't benefit us or the people around us and it just continues to perpetuate, carries on to our children. I mean, the amazing thing you're talking about a boulder, right? For me, I look at it and part of what drives me is I know that in my children, my grandchildren and future generations, I have the opportunity to take action for myself, which then the benefit, you know, the consequence, if you want to see it that way, is that the [01:00:00] legacy that they inherit is completely different than what, like, you know, many of us inherit and we keep those patterns going.

Erik DaRosa: Yep.

Mike Forrester: And I do want to ask you, um, because you're an avid reader, like what would you say, like when you were looking back and starting the journey, what are like two to three books or resources that would have helped you kind of speed along that would have given you the insights that you lacked at that time that now are like, you know, the things that were game changers for you?

ars ago, a little over three [: 01:01:00

Mike Forrester: Yeah. You're so right. It's like there's only so much energy.

Erik DaRosa: Yes.

Mike Forrester: Focus that we can give to things, you know, we're not like this endless supply of energy.

Erik DaRosa: No.

Mike Forrester: And so just [: 01:03:00

Erik DaRosa: No. And a friend of mine, uh, who was a trainer for SEAL team six and taught skiing with me, he talks about it really well. So people like you and I, we go through our careers, we go through our lives and we're all, we say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And we think like, all right, I'm going to say yes. And I'm going to multitask. I can do all these things great. And he talks about this really great example. I won't get into the details. It's essentially we toggle in life. You can really only do one thing at a time. If you add a second thing, you're toggling back and forth. And so instead of doing each at 100%, you're kind of doing both at 80. And then if you add another thing and another thing and another thing. [01:04:00] And so until we learn how to really create boundaries, and we learn how to say no to things so that we can say yes to the things that are really important and really put our energy there and focus. And that's really when it comes to mental health, it's all about learning how to say yes to ourselves and taking care of ourselves first, because that way we can become much stronger individuals. It'll then allow us to say yes to some other things, because now we're functioning at a 100% capacity. We're not functioning at 75 or 50%. Um, and, and trying to, you know, serve all people at all times.

Mike Forrester: Yeah, it allows us to focus on that great things in our lives. Not just the good things. Um, dude, Erik, thank you so much for coming and sharing your story, the transformation, how you've gone about it. Really encouraged and so appreciate it.

Erik DaRosa: Thank [: 01:05:00

Mike Forrester: How can men connect with you? Oh, absolutely, brother. I'm grateful for you being here.

Erik DaRosa: I can talk all day. I know your family's coming in. So.

Mike Forrester: Yes. Well, Erik, how can men connect with you outside of this podcast, man?

. It goes right to my email, [: 01:06:00

Mike Forrester: Appreciate it. Erik, thank you so much, my friend.

Erik DaRosa: Mike. Thank you. Really, really appreciate it.