Episode 387
How To Build Confidence By Challenging Fear And Self-Doubt with Shā Sparks
Building confidence isn’t about sudden leaps - it’s a marathon of consistent growth. Sha Sparks emphasized the power of reframing our inner thoughts, shifting limiting beliefs to empowering affirmations. By using simple "I am" statements like "I am confident" and "I am compassionate," you can train your brain to internalize and embrace these traits. Journaling plays a pivotal role in this journey, providing a space to reflect on progress and identify thought patterns that slow down growth. As Sha points out, fear often masquerades as imposter syndrome, stemming from past experiences and overcoming it requires compassion, self-awareness and intentional effort.
Challenging fear and self-doubt starts with determining and evaluating the labels or titles society and past experiences have placed on you. As Sha discusses, reviewing a journal offers insights into the obstacles you've overcome, even uncovering patterns engrained by childhood experiences. Words have immense power - focusing on uplifting affirmations instead of critical beliefs can redirect your mindset and actions. We talked about actionable tips for transformation, like giving yourself permission to acknowledge your accomplishments and trusting your ability to navigate setbacks. Whether transitioning from self-doubt or seeking a renewed sense of purpose, the insights Sha revealed are fuel priming the engine for those men ready to embrace their authentic selves with confidence and clarity.
In this episode, you will be able to:
· Conquer your fears and live boldly with Fearless Living techniques.
· Harness the transformative power of "I Am" affirmations to shape your self-identity.
· Uncover your personal purpose and create a compelling vision for your life.
· Explore the profound impact of childhood experiences on your adult identity.
· Cultivate self-confidence through the strength of vulnerability.
The key moments in this episode are:
00:05:54 - Defining Personal Leadership
00:11:23 - Grace and Self-Compassion
00:13:46 - The Power of Mindset and Affirmations
00:19:39 - The Influence of Language and Inner Voice
00:23:54 - Embracing Confidence and Acknowledging Progress
00:24:50 - Overcoming Fear and Embracing Vulnerability
00:32:06 - Self-Sabotage and False Beliefs
00:40:17 - Borrowing Confidence
Connect with Shā Sparks
Website
www.linkedin.com/in/sha-sparks
www.instagram.com/theshasparks/
https://www.facebook.com/theshasparks/
Connect with Mike Forrester
Podcast Website
https://LivingFearlessTodayPodcast.com
Coaching Website
https://www.linkedin.com/in/hicoachmike/
Youtube
https://www.youtube.com/@hicoachmike
https://www.facebook.com/hicoachmike
https://www.instagram.com/hicoachmike
Transcript
Well, hello, and welcome back, my friend.
Speaker:And this week I'm joined by my friend Shay Sparks and, uh, Shay was
Speaker:introduced to me first by Chris Comer, who's a, a friend and previous guest.
Speaker:And, uh, every time there's a podcast conference and, and, uh, go to it, there
Speaker:is Shay and Shay is a ball of energy, man.
Speaker:She is, uh, what did they call it?
Speaker:Was it the mayor of podcasting conferences?
Speaker:I think is the title that they went with Shay, right?
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:The mayor.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:So Shay is like a great connector.
Speaker:So if there's something where you're like, Hey, I don't know how to
Speaker:do introductions or meet people.
Speaker:Shay has that skill.
Speaker:Nailed down.
Speaker:Um, she is great at it just excels and it's a natural thing for her.
Speaker:So, uh, we're going to get into some different stuff.
Speaker:She is a, uh, certified coach within the fearless living program.
Speaker:And that was kind of interesting because I was like living fearless,
Speaker:fearless living, we got to talk and, uh, things just line up very well.
Speaker:So, um, she is a podcast host co host on, I think three different other podcasts.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Shay.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And so she, you can see where the energy is required to keep going.
Speaker:She does a ton of things and does them well.
Speaker:So I was excited to have her join me.
Speaker:We're going to talk about transition and purpose and then, um, also like
Speaker:our vision and the power of words.
Speaker:So all very powerful things and things that a lot of us, you know,
Speaker:myself included, I did not get.
Speaker:Any of this, I had it all misconstrued, and so it was
Speaker:headed off on the wrong path.
Speaker:So, Shay, how are you doing today, my friend?
Speaker:Oh, well, thank you for asking, and thank you for having me on the show.
Speaker:I'm, I'm truly honored because I know your premise is to.
Speaker:Primarily focus on men.
Speaker:And I am so glad that we are in alignment with so many things
Speaker:and, you know, definitely have built a friendship over the years.
Speaker:So thank you so much for allowing me to be on here.
Speaker:And I am excited.
Speaker:I am fantastic.
Speaker:I am great.
Speaker:I can't wait to get this conversation started because I know there's so much
Speaker:goodness that's going to come out of this.
Speaker:Yeah, 100%.
Speaker:And that's the thing I think about the fact of, you know, like the conversations
Speaker:we've had it, you know, some of the conferences sitting around the fire, uh,
Speaker:you know, of course, with s'mores, um, but then also, you know, most recently,
Speaker:uh, Cathy, my wife and I sitting down to lunch with you and just it's.
Speaker:One of those of when you find people, uh, you know, when you're, when you're
Speaker:being genuine and real, the relationships that you find are so different.
Speaker:And I, I just looked back Shay and I'm like, I hid myself for so long.
Speaker:Like, I didn't know who I was.
Speaker:And so it's like, there's the realization that it's like, this is more valuable.
Speaker:It's not something to hide, but it's something to be proud of.
Speaker:Hey, this is who I am.
Speaker:And, uh, You know, see what connections come about and it's
Speaker:not going to be for everybody.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:But, uh, the people it is, man, they add power to your life.
Speaker:You said something really powerful right there.
Speaker:And I want to jump in if you don't mind, because I love that you
Speaker:said, and then I used to hide.
Speaker:And, um, and I, I don't love it because, oh, good for you, you used to hide.
Speaker:No, I'm saying it because you're really calling out how a lot of us
Speaker:have shown up in the world, right?
Speaker:We have tried to either not be genuine to ourselves and authentic to
Speaker:ourselves and become something that someone else expected us to become.
Speaker:Or we have then held back who we were because fear shows up and we were
Speaker:afraid we weren't good enough, exactly who we were, exactly who we are.
Speaker:And I love that you, that we have the kind of friendship that, you know, it's
Speaker:just accepting and acknowledging and, you know, giving each other permission to be.
Speaker:Ourselves because I feel like that's the only way to be and how often in our
Speaker:especially in our careers, we, you know, we're going to talk about identity.
Speaker:So I'm just going to jump into identity.
Speaker:We identify with the title that we're given.
Speaker:And when something shifts, when something happens, whether it's a it's a A
Speaker:demotion or it's a layoff or it's like, you know what, I want something more
Speaker:meaningful in my life or it's military coming from military to civilian life.
Speaker:We get that rank, that role, that title removed and it's
Speaker:like, wait, I'm just Mike.
Speaker:Like I'm no longer, um, you know, vice president, I'm no longer sergeant.
Speaker:And you know, what, what, how can I, how can I be just Mike and
Speaker:using the power of words, I mean, that word just is so debilitating.
Speaker:That it'll stop us from doing something, doing the things
Speaker:that we really want to do.
Speaker:And I feel through my years of coaching, but within my own journey, we get
Speaker:to this point of, well, I'm not.
Speaker:Enough.
Speaker:I'm not whatever the word is you want to put in front of that, you
Speaker:know, rich, successful, you know, fit enough, whatever that is.
Speaker:And then it's really about, well, how can I show up just by being me?
Speaker:And so I really love that you talked about hiding because oftentimes we
Speaker:want to, we want to pretend to be something that we think others Want?
Speaker:And when we finally dig in deep and go, you know what?
Speaker:I'm good with who I am.
Speaker:I'm okay with being okay and step out of our comfort zone.
Speaker:That's when the true growth really happens.
Speaker:Well, one thing I'd love to hear from you as well that goes hand in hand with that.
Speaker:Shā my name.
Speaker:And, you know, the other guys that I've coached, it's like our
Speaker:name is synonymous, like with our title, like you've talked about.
Speaker:And outside of that, I don't really know who I am.
Speaker:Like, for me, I know I put on a chameleon mask, right?
Speaker:Whoever was the most powerful person, I would match them.
Speaker:But oftentimes it's we play to whomever We're around, right?
Speaker:Be it a parent, be it a boss, our spouse, friends, and we kind of fit
Speaker:a somebody else's mold rather than, um, you know, maybe what we've wanted.
Speaker:We play to that.
Speaker:How have you seen that?
Speaker:Um, you know, men, when they don't know who they are, can discover who they truly
Speaker:are, not who somebody else is expecting or trying to fit them into a mold.
Speaker:Yeah, I love this question.
Speaker:So I'm a huge proponent of journaling.
Speaker:So one of the things I have my clients do is write out their
Speaker:titles, write out their roles.
Speaker:And you just said spouse, boss, friend.
Speaker:So write all those out, including, you know, son, including, um, you know,
Speaker:nephew, including a leader, whatever.
Speaker:Because I feel everyone is a leader, and oftentimes we overlook that.
Speaker:So, and then really then, you know, go into the, the title that is attached
Speaker:to your name, the, the vice president, the sergeant, you know, the role, the
Speaker:leader, the, the minister, whatever is around your career, and then.
Speaker:You get to choose and this is what's important because I think as a society,
Speaker:we forget that is that we think that who we are today is who we are going to be in,
Speaker:you know, tomorrow and five years and 10 years and we don't have to be, we get to
Speaker:choose to do something different, right?
Speaker:To be something different.
Speaker:And one of the questions that I love to ask myself is what is it
Speaker:that I don't know that I need to know in order to move forward.
Speaker:So we're gonna take the word leader for a minute.
Speaker:Um, just because that's one of the things I work on with people
Speaker:is how to define their own.
Speaker:Version of leadership.
Speaker:So as you write down the word leader, and then instead of
Speaker:saying, now, how do I show up?
Speaker:No, we're not going to worry about how you show up.
Speaker:We're going to talk about and focus on how do you want to show up?
Speaker:What kind of spouse do you want to be?
Speaker:What kind of leader do you want to be?
Speaker:What kind of a friend?
Speaker:What does that look like?
Speaker:If in a perfect world, you could be a, a, a dream version of yourself.
Speaker:What would that look like and how would you show up differently
Speaker:than where you are now?
Speaker:And then as you look back and reflect over your list and all of the things,
Speaker:I'm gonna say this and I, and I'm gonna repeat it because It's, uh, it's something
Speaker:that when we look at it, where we think we're actually looking at someone else,
Speaker:like people we admire people, we aspire to people who inspire us like, Oh, well,
Speaker:they're the kind of leader that I want to be, but what you just noticed about
Speaker:what you want to be is really within you.
Speaker:So let me repeat that.
Speaker:What you just noticed of what you want to be.
Speaker:is actually within you.
Speaker:So you are a mirror of what is already, you're already doing it.
Speaker:You just have the give yourself permission to access it, give yourself permission and
Speaker:grace and forgiveness to step into that.
Speaker:What does that look like?
Speaker:So if I look at my supervisor and I'm like, oh my gosh, I love the
Speaker:way that they have confidence yet.
Speaker:They're also compassionate, right?
Speaker:That is a trait that I'm really drawn to.
Speaker:If I see that.
Speaker:As a mirror.
Speaker:And it's like, okay, that's within me.
Speaker:What does it look like when I'm giving myself permission and grace
Speaker:and forgiveness and the different things you talked about there?
Speaker:How do I create that kind of environment, that ability to step into that and
Speaker:not just bring it from being in my supervisor, but drawing that up in myself?
Speaker:You hit the, you hit the nail on the head when you said, compassion
Speaker:so grace is actually compassion.
Speaker:You give yourself compassion and, and.
Speaker:Acknowledgement.
Speaker:It's okay to write down and say I am compassionate.
Speaker:I am confident.
Speaker:And the two most powerful words in the English language is I am.
Speaker:So anything that you put after that you are claiming.
Speaker:So if you are seeing this as a mirror in your supervisor, like you said,
Speaker:the confidence and the compassion, and yet you want that, you start to
Speaker:write it in a sentence as if it's already happened, as if you, so you
Speaker:are claiming it and your brain is seeing it, that you're claiming it.
Speaker:That's the important key because I've had some people go, well, this is
Speaker:really dumb and I'm like, I get it.
Speaker:You're right.
Speaker:It is.
Speaker:And there's a reason why when we got in trouble because I'm a former troublemaker,
Speaker:well, still sometimes troublemaker, but
Speaker:you know, when we're sitting, I don't know about the whole former
Speaker:thing they're saying, come on.
Speaker:I mean, we're both troublemakers,
Speaker:so, you know.
Speaker:When you're a troublemaker and you get in trouble and back in school, back in
Speaker:the day, you know, age myself, you had to write out sentences like, I will not
Speaker:shoot spit wads at the teacher, you know, like, whatever, however many times, right?
Speaker:There's a reason they do that.
Speaker:They do that because the repetition, your brain starts to
Speaker:like attach to it and go, got it.
Speaker:So I am going to act in a way that no longer spits.
Speaker:So it was at the teacher, right?
Speaker:So when your brain, you write, I am confident, I am compassionate
Speaker:over and over again, your brain grabs onto it, holds onto it and was
Speaker:like, you know what, I'm now going to start acting as if this is true.
Speaker:So look at it this way.
Speaker:We have a, something happens to us and we have a thought about it.
Speaker:That's where our mindset comes in.
Speaker:And then that thought creates a feeling.
Speaker:And that feeling is what drives our actions, and then that
Speaker:action is what gives us a result.
Speaker:So if we want a different result, we have to back it up all the way back
Speaker:to the thought in order to change the feeling, in order to change the action.
Speaker:So it goes back to what is it that I don't know that I need to
Speaker:know in order to move forward.
Speaker:So what does a compassionate And confident supervisor think what are they?
Speaker:How do they think?
Speaker:What kind of mindset do they have?
Speaker:Do they have one that is focusing on complaining about everything
Speaker:that's wrong during the day?
Speaker:Or are they focused on everything that is right?
Speaker:The difference of how we act, how we believe what we say.
Speaker:Super powerful.
Speaker:Um, in what you talked about there, like with mindset, um, And then,
Speaker:you know, speaking things I am the, the funny thing, and I didn't
Speaker:realize that I was doing that.
Speaker:And I've seen so many people who are like, what, what are you talking about?
Speaker:I'm, I'm not doing this.
Speaker:We do when it's like an accident happens, goes, man, why am I so clumsy?
Speaker:Why can't I get this right?
Speaker:Those phrases are.
Speaker:Reaffirming beliefs that we have and what you're saying is let go of those
Speaker:beliefs that aren't helping you to become that confident, compassionate leader
Speaker:and, you know, grab onto these ones that do get you to that place, right?
Speaker:That, um, you know, the, the thoughts are different.
Speaker:The actions are different.
Speaker:Um, it's, it can be a little bit challenging as we're transitioning, but
Speaker:Stepping into who you are, you know, is, is going to be a change because
Speaker:for so long we've been, you know, this other person that's conforming and and
Speaker:fitting into what other people have expected and the beliefs that we have.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:As far as, you know, the affirmations that we're saying, these new statements,
Speaker:where do you, where does the power within words come from and how does
Speaker:that power then, um, land within us to help us change, you know, what
Speaker:we're believing in, how we're acting.
Speaker:So I started this many, many years ago with these, I am
Speaker:affirmation statements and.
Speaker:I started to notice that again, it's a, it's a, it's a conscious effort.
Speaker:So let's pretend that you're like, I don't journal.
Speaker:Well, great.
Speaker:So you're going to do something different, right?
Speaker:So doing something different.
Speaker:Then what you're used to doing, like, you know, changing up your morning routine
Speaker:is going to add something to your life.
Speaker:It's going to add value to your life.
Speaker:So if we're going to add journaling to, to your routine and you start
Speaker:with acknowledging all the roles that you have and all the things
Speaker:you want to be, and then you start using the words I am, and you.
Speaker:You focus on this as a practice, right?
Speaker:The first time you played pickleball, it's never perfect, right?
Speaker:It's a, it's a, it's a constant, like, Oh yeah, I gotta, I gotta keep learning.
Speaker:And that's what this is.
Speaker:It's to me, this is about a healing journey.
Speaker:And I know a lot of people don't like to use that word, but if you
Speaker:look at our childhood, our childhood.
Speaker:Experiences affect our adult decisions.
Speaker:So if you're always thinking, I'm always clumsy.
Speaker:Well, more than likely, there was a childhood experience
Speaker:where you were told it.
Speaker:That you were clumsy, and then it was the second time it happened,
Speaker:Oh, it's you're always clumsy.
Speaker:So as children, we picked that up.
Speaker:Our brain, our unconscious went did it must be true.
Speaker:And then fear takes over.
Speaker:And so every time something where we had to be, you know, good posture and
Speaker:standing and not drop anything, our, our unconscious goes, Nope, you're clumsy.
Speaker:Remember?
Speaker:So you're going to make.
Speaker:A, uh, a clumsy, uh, you know, a fall or something, a trip, one of
Speaker:my clients I just worked with, he started to have anxiety every time
Speaker:he went to the store, every time he went to target or the grocery store.
Speaker:And he said, you know, don't hold your breath.
Speaker:And I said, wait, what'd you just say?
Speaker:And he's like, I just said, you know, I sometimes I hold my breath and I said,
Speaker:so did someone let's back this up.
Speaker:Did someone in your childhood say around money?
Speaker:Well, don't hold your breath.
Speaker:And he's like Uh, yeah, actually, they did.
Speaker:So we did a series of release work and hypnosis through NLP and he was
Speaker:able to pinpoint it back to when he was four years old and his mom was
Speaker:getting ready to take him to the store.
Speaker:And she said, you know, we're going to go to the store and he said, can I get a toy?
Speaker:And he's, she's like, well, don't hold your breath that there'll be money left
Speaker:over for you to get what you really want.
Speaker:And so he took it like I can never get what I really want.
Speaker:So every time there was this anxious feeling around money and going to the,
Speaker:you know, getting your basic needs food essentials at the, at the grocery store.
Speaker:So we oftentimes don't even know what the words that we're saying,
Speaker:how they're affecting us until you're around someone like you, Mike, who's
Speaker:a coach as well, you're and you have someone else pick it up and go,
Speaker:What is, what does that mean to you?
Speaker:What is that?
Speaker:How is that showing up?
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:So it's just fascinating when I started diving into how powerful the
Speaker:language we use, our inner voice, It either propels you or hold you back.
Speaker:Yeah, it can be a boat anchor.
Speaker:I mean, if you look at like that experience, you know, for your
Speaker:client where it's like, oh, this is subconsciously, you know, It's
Speaker:the rudder on the boat that's still subconsciously steering you through
Speaker:your decisions and your actions.
Speaker:And it's like, how many of those that we do we have that are, you know, steering
Speaker:us either, you know, somewhere we don't want to be or holding us back from
Speaker:moving forward to where we do want to be.
Speaker:And, you know, again, this goes back to having people around you who are
Speaker:You know, hearing that within you, whether it's a coach, whether it's
Speaker:friends, family, you know, um, but be intentional to have people that
Speaker:are catching you for that stuff.
Speaker:And I mean, that's, that's the biggest safety net.
Speaker:And the biggest thing that, you know, catapults us forward is having
Speaker:people that want to see is successful for who we're supposed to be.
Speaker:And, um, on that, like, I want to ask, you know, we've, we've talked about,
Speaker:um, purpose outside of this interview.
Speaker:How do I determine my purpose?
Speaker:Because if I'm making these changes and, and going, Hey, I want.
Speaker:This is who I want to be, which is mirroring who I truly am.
Speaker:How do I then determine my purpose to kind of make this all fit together like
Speaker:a puzzle and really gain that momentum?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So, you know, I love, I love this whole conversation on purpose.
Speaker:And I've, it's something I've been kind of leaning into the past, probably 15 years.
Speaker:And I. Have learned that it goes back to that journaling and acknowledging stuff.
Speaker:The thing that we don't even realize what are most of our purpose is quote
Speaker:unquote purpose is, is that if you take a book out of a hero's journey, right?
Speaker:So it is based on Joe Campbell's, Joseph Campbell's way of.
Speaker:Of the hero's journey.
Speaker:So we go on a path, we have a calling, and then we do, we learn all these
Speaker:things and then we become success.
Speaker:And then we come back and we share.
Speaker:And that to me is really the purpose.
Speaker:So you're, you're, you have this whisper, this little voice in your head that's
Speaker:saying, maybe you should do this.
Speaker:Maybe you should try that.
Speaker:Maybe you should explore this.
Speaker:And.
Speaker:And along the way, you're going to hit roadblocks, you know, roadblocks,
Speaker:you're going to hit bumps in the road, you're going to maybe get,
Speaker:you know, put on a different course, you're going to learn things about
Speaker:yourself that you didn't know.
Speaker:Uh, you know, before you did this, before you started this journey.
Speaker:And so when you are to this point, you get back out your journal and you write
Speaker:down the obstacles that you've overcome.
Speaker:You know, maybe it's addiction, maybe it's abuse, maybe it's anger, uh, depression.
Speaker:Anxiety.
Speaker:Those are all the things that I actually have overcome and realize,
Speaker:like, wow, now I have tools and skills and knowledge that I learned.
Speaker:So it's not until I share it that it becomes wisdom.
Speaker:So now that's where the, the purpose comes, pur the purpose.
Speaker:Purposely comes into play all the piece is because now it's like, got it.
Speaker:So now when I share all that knowledge that I've learned with someone
Speaker:else, and it doesn't have to be on a podcast, it doesn't have to be, you
Speaker:know, writing a book or, you know, standing on a stage and speaking.
Speaker:It could literally be with one person.
Speaker:Where now you become, what is the, what is the phrase?
Speaker:Um, way back when I used to say it all the time, when the student is ready,
Speaker:the teacher appears and when the teacher is ready, the student appears.
Speaker:So what's going to end up happening is now that you've learned all these lessons,
Speaker:the students will start showing up.
Speaker:And you just take notice and acknowledge that like, wow, now I'm
Speaker:the mentor instead of the mentee.
Speaker:And that's when you really are sharing your wisdom, which is also
Speaker:part of purpose is your legacy.
Speaker:Yeah, that, that is when it's like, what, what, how did I get here?
Speaker:Because you look back and you realize what you've overcome.
Speaker:And I think it's easier to look at somebody else.
Speaker:Like I could look at you and go, Shea, Oh my gosh, you've overcome all these things.
Speaker:And downplay, you know, the progress that I've made.
Speaker:We, we can look at, you know, I've not made the progress.
Speaker:I've not made, you know, the changes that I'm seeing in other
Speaker:people, but we often dismiss that.
Speaker:And, uh, that can become.
Speaker:You know, something that, again, like another anchor just holding us back
Speaker:is not seeing that and celebrating the progress that we've when giving ourselves,
Speaker:you know, the true and full picture.
Speaker:Is that something that you've seen with, uh, other men that they kind of dismiss or
Speaker:downplay the progress that they've made?
Speaker:Oh, yeah.
Speaker:And, you know, one thing that I hear oftentimes is, well, I, you
Speaker:know, I, I like to remain humble and it's like, okay, that's great.
Speaker:You can remain humble in your circle.
Speaker:You can remain humble at work.
Speaker:But in my clients, I'm like, you're here with me.
Speaker:I want you to acknowledge every single thing that you've done.
Speaker:And when I say acknowledge, like it's okay to brag.
Speaker:It's okay to brag about yourself, because is it being bragful?
Speaker:Is it bragging when all you're doing is just saying, yeah, I did this.
Speaker:I acknowledge myself for doing this.
Speaker:And when we give ourselves permission that it's okay to share
Speaker:with at least one person, right?
Speaker:So you pick a person, maybe it's your spouse, maybe it's a, you know,
Speaker:maybe it's a confidant, maybe it's a friend, maybe it's a minister.
Speaker:Give yourself permission to, to acknowledge all the amazing things
Speaker:that you've done with that one person, because then that's where
Speaker:the confidence starts to grow is when you are 90 seconds of vulnerable.
Speaker:with another person.
Speaker:First of all, you have to be vulnerable with yourself.
Speaker:Then you be vulnerable with another person.
Speaker:That 90 seconds.
Speaker:Then that's when the confidence takes over.
Speaker:And I guarantee you, when you start on a on a role of I'm going to
Speaker:talk about this and you know, and I've done this and I've done that.
Speaker:I've done that.
Speaker:All of a sudden the words are coming out and flowing right and all of a
Speaker:sudden it gets the momentum and it's like the snowball down the hill because
Speaker:you're like, Oh my gosh, I've done all these things and um, now you're,
Speaker:you're just really full in standing in your full confidence as you speaking
Speaker:your authentic truth about your life.
Speaker:Do you see that it's often hard to kind of speak about that stuff because Maybe
Speaker:we're not believing in ourselves as much to say, like, Hey, if I recognize
Speaker:it, um, was it actually as big or, you know, Hey, I'm afraid it'll never repeat
Speaker:or that when you've gained success, somebody else is going to come in
Speaker:and speak negative and tear it down.
Speaker:Do you see those kind of, um, fears coming about as, as you're trying to
Speaker:draw out, you know, that recognition, that celebration from people for
Speaker:the, the changes that they've made.
Speaker:Oh, yeah.
Speaker:In fact, it's, it's, it's kind of funny because we're,
Speaker:we're talking about, um, fear,
Speaker:fear will show up in so many different ways.
Speaker:And one of them is imposter syndrome, right?
Speaker:And the reason that fear shows up as imposter syndrome is because again,
Speaker:someone in our past and our childhood said, who do you think you are?
Speaker:Don't be bragging.
Speaker:You know, keep it cool.
Speaker:Keep cool, calm, and collected.
Speaker:You don't need to be bragging about yourself.
Speaker:Or, it went to the opposite of, you're so stupid.
Speaker:You know, uh, you're incompetent.
Speaker:You don't know what you're doing.
Speaker:So, our fear is ingrained in us in that way, and then it stays in our brain.
Speaker:To show up at the right particular moment when something really great happens and
Speaker:you're like, Oh, I want to, you know, you almost are like, Oh, I want to celebrate.
Speaker:Oh, I can't that fear is like immediately shutting you down and it's,
Speaker:um, again, it's, it's being able to decipher and discern and determine.
Speaker:What is true and what is a story that we are making up about what's happening?
Speaker:And a lot of times, again, because of our childhood, we're making up a
Speaker:story in our head that means something when it doesn't mean that at all.
Speaker:It means, oh, it means you're bragging.
Speaker:Oh, it means you're boastful.
Speaker:Oh, it means you're cocky.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:I get, I hear that a lot.
Speaker:Oh, uh, they think I'm just being cocky.
Speaker:Well, you're not going out and having a megaphone and you're standing on the
Speaker:corner and you're saying, look what I did.
Speaker:Look what I can do.
Speaker:Like, uh, what is that Stewart from mad TV?
Speaker:Look what I can do.
Speaker:Look what I can do.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:You're not being that.
Speaker:All you're doing is you're choosing that person.
Speaker:That safe person and you're sharing with them first, you have to share
Speaker:it with yourself, then you share it with another person, and then the
Speaker:student again, you become the teacher.
Speaker:The student is going to show up.
Speaker:You don't have to do anything.
Speaker:That's the cool part about this, this, this journey.
Speaker:You don't have to do anything.
Speaker:You just being you and being willing to take those steps out of your
Speaker:comfort zone and being willing to learn about yourself and grow and stretch.
Speaker:And take risks.
Speaker:That's when along the journey, you're going to meet people that are like,
Speaker:Hey, I want to know what you did.
Speaker:Can you share that with me?
Speaker:And that's when you get the opportunity to share your wisdom.
Speaker:And the amazing thing, like Shay, I know this goes so, so far across most people
Speaker:is we will look and go like, I'm the only one that's struggling with this.
Speaker:Nobody else has this problem.
Speaker:And when we share it, that truth is almost like a revelation.
Speaker:That's, you know, the, the skies have opened up and it's coming
Speaker:down and here's the truth.
Speaker:Hey, you're not the only one that struggles with this or has
Speaker:fear, has the imposter syndrome.
Speaker:It's, but we don't realize that until we actually have those
Speaker:conversations and start sharing that stuff with other people, whether
Speaker:it's as a student or the teacher.
Speaker:. We often will also think that everyone knows it.
Speaker:Well, everyone knows this, this is common knowledge.
Speaker:That's a term that we, we fling around freely.
Speaker:Oh, it's common knowledge.
Speaker:Everyone knows this.
Speaker:My brother, you met my brother.
Speaker:My brother is always like, you know, he used to work on the space shuttle
Speaker:and he's like, Oh, everyone knows this.
Speaker:It's like.
Speaker:No one knows this.
Speaker:What are you talking about?
Speaker:Everyone is a small pool of people.
Speaker:They know it, but the larger scope.
Speaker:No, not necessarily.
Speaker:Um, the one other phrase that I had said, and I know other people
Speaker:say is, you know, they're waiting for that other shoe to drop.
Speaker:This happened.
Speaker:It was great, but the other shoe was going to drop.
Speaker:And since we're looking to.
Speaker:You know, our beliefs to have them be true and be held in that, that point of
Speaker:coming about, um, a lot of times will self sabotage and things will be going great.
Speaker:And we cut.
Speaker:Like our feet right out from underneath us,
Speaker:how
Speaker:can we be aware of instances where we're starting to kind of go that
Speaker:path of setting up, you know, self sabotage for ourself and making those
Speaker:false beliefs from our past come true and then holding onto them.
Speaker:Well, I love this, the waiting for the other shoot it up, because I've been
Speaker:saying that, uh, recently about some, some other things and, uh, it's, it
Speaker:boils down to this phrase that I love to use is what you focus on grows.
Speaker:So you've heard of the, the, uh, fable of the, Old Cherokee grandfather
Speaker:talking to his grandson about the two wolves that live inside, right?
Speaker:And one is hate and anger and fear, and the other one is love
Speaker:and generosity and kindness.
Speaker:And he said, you know, and they're fighting, and the
Speaker:little boy goes, which one wins?
Speaker:You know, the one that you focus on.
Speaker:The one that you let win.
Speaker:And so when we're thinking that, uh, when is the other shoe going to drop again?
Speaker:Oftentimes it stems from something in childhood.
Speaker:You may need to, you know, work through, uh, release and
Speaker:heal with, with a professional.
Speaker:Um, and it can also be, you know, we're talking about.
Speaker:Being able to be willing to be vulnerable with yourself.
Speaker:So, write it down.
Speaker:You know, you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, and
Speaker:you're expecting what to happen.
Speaker:What is the bad thing that you think might happen?
Speaker:And then you share it with that safe person, and you could even say to that,
Speaker:that person that you're, you're talking with again, it could be a professional
Speaker:or your, your spouse or friend, minister, can I just vent this to you?
Speaker:I, you don't need to actually say, say what it is right or wrong.
Speaker:I just need to get it out and process it out loud.
Speaker:Uh, extroverts actually need to do that is process things out loud where
Speaker:introverts process things internally.
Speaker:So if you're an extrovert like me, then you might need someone to
Speaker:go, Hey, I just, I just need you to listen as I talk this through.
Speaker:And as you talk it through, you can say like, this is what I'm
Speaker:thinking could happen is how the other shoe is going to drop.
Speaker:And.
Speaker:I want to go a little bit deeper even and say that
Speaker:then ask yourself, do I trust me?
Speaker:Because you've made the decision to do that path, that route.
Speaker:If the shoe drops, do you trust yourself enough to then take the next best step?
Speaker:Because it's not about worrying about when the shoe's gonna drop.
Speaker:It's about, okay, got it.
Speaker:The shoe is gonna drop.
Speaker:Yep, you're right, because I'm focused on it.
Speaker:So it's gonna drop, and can I trust myself?
Speaker:Am I willing to trust myself to make the next best decision to move forward?
Speaker:Yeah, one of my coaches had told me, you know, the other thing is
Speaker:to look at what's the probability of that actually happening?
Speaker:Because so much like you talked about focus, I'll dial in on,
Speaker:you know, this is the outcome.
Speaker:But what's the probability?
Speaker:Is it like a 10 percent chance?
Speaker:Is it a 5 percent chance?
Speaker:Why am I focusing and putting so much attention into that?
Speaker:What's more probable or likely if it's 50%?
Speaker:Okay, great.
Speaker:Get in there.
Speaker:But if it's like this one in a million, why, why obsess on something that's
Speaker:unlikely to happen just because, you know, we're used to that fear, that
Speaker:anxiety about something and, you know, seeing the other shoe, um, You
Speaker:know, my wife got used to me being the negative Nelly and, you know, what's
Speaker:the worst thing that can happen?
Speaker:I'm going to figure it out and obsess on it.
Speaker:And it's so sad because it's like, how much energy are we putting into that?
Speaker:When, like you talked about, hey, you know, where our focus goes.
Speaker:That's what we're going to see and bring about and and really,
Speaker:you know, see come to fruition.
Speaker:Um, so instead, look at how do I want this to go?
Speaker:And then how do I get it there?
Speaker:Um, you know, we, we just waste so much energy and time
Speaker:on things that aren't likely.
Speaker:Um, you've talked about journaling a number of times and I really
Speaker:want to kind of pull back and go, okay, I'm, I'm journaling Shea.
Speaker:What do I do with that next?
Speaker:Am I looking back at it?
Speaker:Am I pulling something out of it, or is it just kind of like a
Speaker:captain's log, you know, like Star Trek, and I'm just, I'm keeping it,
Speaker:but I'm not doing anything with it.
Speaker:Or is it, hey, I look back, reflect and, um, kind of remind myself
Speaker:instead of just a fleeting thought.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Oh, yes.
Speaker:All of it.
Speaker:Uh, so we just talked about, you know, acknowledging all the
Speaker:obstacles that you overcome, right?
Speaker:Well, this is a great way to look back and reflect on what obstacles have you
Speaker:overcome because, you know, 10 months ago you were worried about this thing and then
Speaker:it happened, whatever happened, right?
Speaker:And now you're so far ahead, you're like, wow, that was Now you're 10 months
Speaker:later and you're like, wow, I can't believe I was even worried about that.
Speaker:Cause look where I'm at now.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:So it's a reflection and acknowledgement.
Speaker:at the same time.
Speaker:And again, it goes to, you don't have to, you know, acknowledge to everyone
Speaker:with the, with the megaphone, but just to, as you read back, acknowledge
Speaker:yourself like, wow, look at that.
Speaker:Look how far I've grown.
Speaker:And as a society, we don't focus on growth enough.
Speaker:We focus on goals.
Speaker:And not the growth and you mentioned the outcome a little bit ago, and I want to
Speaker:say this, that when you have a vision of what your goals are, where you want to go
Speaker:are our attachment to the outcome, we then create an expectation of it
Speaker:happening like it's going to happen.
Speaker:And then if we have the negative Nelly mindset, then we focus on all the crap
Speaker:that's going to go wrong along the way.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:And if we go.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:That would be a great outcome.
Speaker:How?
Speaker:What steps can I make to get there?
Speaker:And you focus it on the marathon that it is rather than the sprint.
Speaker:And you're taking the scenic route on that marathon.
Speaker:And you're going, Oh, what's over here?
Speaker:Oh my gosh, I had no idea that was over there and learned that lesson and met that
Speaker:person and Oh, that's what's over here.
Speaker:I learned that lesson and, and pick that knowledge up and, and, and
Speaker:look at it as, okay, it's, it's not just a, you know, a parallel.
Speaker:marathon track.
Speaker:We are going up and down and circles and sideways and every which way.
Speaker:And we're learning along the way and we're acknowledging along the way.
Speaker:Then we become less attached about the thing, the goal, the outcome at the end.
Speaker:And we're more concerned about being present, being authentic with ourselves,
Speaker:giving ourselves truth, giving ourselves that compassion and permission.
Speaker:To be, uh, compassionate with ourselves so that we take that
Speaker:90 seconds of vulnerability and, um, grow in our confidence.
Speaker:Now, here's something else I want to share more than likely every single
Speaker:one of your listeners, your audience.
Speaker:All of us have one person that believes in us.
Speaker:And if you don't, I know, as your, your audience is, I'm
Speaker:going to talk to you right now.
Speaker:Mike believes in you.
Speaker:I believe in you.
Speaker:And you can borrow our confidence in you.
Speaker:Because we know you can do it, whatever obstacle or whatever outcome you're
Speaker:looking for, we know you can get there.
Speaker:You can borrow our confidence for that 90 seconds and think, well, if they believe
Speaker:in me, I can use that for 90 seconds.
Speaker:And then your confidence starts to grow.
Speaker:You might not get there tomorrow.
Speaker:Again, this is a marathon.
Speaker:This isn't a sprint.
Speaker:100%. So true, Shay.
Speaker:So absolutely true.
Speaker:And I think the fact of knowing that there's somebody that believes in
Speaker:you can alter how you see yourself and what you're able to accomplish.
Speaker:I know it did for me when I was just like Eeyore, right?
Speaker:Straight out.
Speaker:I was Eeyore.
Speaker:Didn't believe anything good could come out of me or the
Speaker:situations I was involved in, man.
Speaker:Having somebody believe differently in me than those that had in the past
Speaker:was life altering and it just took one person and to believe in them enough,
Speaker:they're believing in me to change things.
Speaker:So spot on.
Speaker:Shay, I wanted to, uh, kind of go back to the journaling and the.
Speaker:Like how we're becoming more aware of our past, right?
Speaker:Our beliefs, the events that have happened to us, the things that we've
Speaker:been told and held on to as we're moving along and seeing that progress.
Speaker:Can we look back at those things?
Speaker:You know, like both are journaling and past events to determine like our
Speaker:vision for the future and our purpose.
Speaker:Will they give us insight?
Speaker:Um, and momentum to, to move forward and kind of like in a. Yeah.
Speaker:Uh,
Speaker:like a better trajectory.
Speaker:A absolutely.
Speaker:The, the great thing about a journal is that you are able to look back.
Speaker:You're able to look back and notice what your thought process was, what
Speaker:the thought process, what created, what feelings that thought process created.
Speaker:And what actions that you took.
Speaker:Um, if you're journaling like the captain's log, right?
Speaker:So you're writing now what I did.
Speaker:What did I do today?
Speaker:Well, this is what I did today.
Speaker:You might, it might spur a memory of, Huh, I wonder what.
Speaker:Emotional state I was under.
Speaker:I wonder what mind frame, what mindset I was in.
Speaker:I wonder what I was thinking about when I decided to take that action.
Speaker:Because, again, we're gonna use 10 months, right?
Speaker:10 months from now, you're gonna, uh, look back at something, and you're
Speaker:like, look back at today, and you're gonna go, I didn't realize that
Speaker:I made that decision based solely on feeling like I was a failure.
Speaker:Wow, I know now I wouldn't have made that same choice, which also
Speaker:goes back into the trust, right?
Speaker:We got to learn, we trust ourselves that every time we make a
Speaker:decision, we're trusting that we're making the best decision for us.
Speaker:And when we, when it isn't, or it's, it's, it's, uh, you know, we consider it
Speaker:a failure and I use quotations because so many, oftentimes people will say
Speaker:that, well, what do you do for failing?
Speaker:You don't fail.
Speaker:No one ever failed.
Speaker:We learn.
Speaker:So a great book, uh, by Carol Dweck is mindset and it talks about students,
Speaker:how we have a fixed mindset or we have a growth mindset and fixed
Speaker:mindset is you failed the test.
Speaker:So you must be a failure and growth mindset is I failed the test.
Speaker:So what do I need to learn more?
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:And so that's really what.
Speaker:Is important is when you're looking at your journey and your
Speaker:journaling is, what did I learn?
Speaker:How did I grow and reflecting in that frame of mind and that
Speaker:mindset rather than, Oh, I didn't do what I said I was going to do.
Speaker:So I must be a failure.
Speaker:Power in the perspective in your mindset is Off the charts, seeing something from
Speaker:a learning rather than a failing, uh, just puts you in a totally different place
Speaker:and it aligns you for like, you know, hitting the track a different way, right?
Speaker:You're not heading out on life thinking, what was me?
Speaker:All I can do is fail.
Speaker:Instead, you're like, Hey, that happened.
Speaker:I'm, I'm going to learn from this and it will affect other things
Speaker:in your life going forward.
Speaker:So I love the way you've laid that out.
Speaker:Well, Shay, how can guys connect with you outside of this podcast?
Speaker:I mean, you've dumped a ton of knowledge and wisdom on us and encouragement.
Speaker:So how can guys reach out to you outside of the podcast here?
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:You can go to my website at shaysparks.
Speaker:com.
Speaker:That's S H A S P A R K S dot com.
Speaker:And you can connect with me on my social media.
Speaker:I would love to, you know, get a DM from you.
Speaker:Let me know your, you heard this episode.
Speaker:And, uh, connect with me.
Speaker:I would love to learn how I can add value in your life or what you got out of this
Speaker:episode, because Mike has so many amazing episodes and, and all the work that he
Speaker:does, you know, let me, if there's any encouraging word you want me to pass on
Speaker:to Mike, I would love to do that too.
Speaker:I appreciate it, my friend.
Speaker:Thank you for all you've imparted here.
Speaker:And, uh, I look forward to chatting more again and Shay, thank you so much.
Speaker:I appreciate it.
Speaker:Uh, thank you.
Speaker:The pleasure is mine.
Speaker:Thank you.
