Episode 396
Building Confidence and Purpose as a Man without a Father with Matt Hallock
Have you ever felt like you've hit rock bottom, wondering if you'd ever find your way back up or be destined to a life in this darkness? Many men face this struggle, questioning their worth, purpose and how to show up in their relationships. In this powerful episode, I sit down with Matt Hallock, podcast host, speaker and author of "The DNA of a Man," to explore his journey from personal crisis to transformation.
Matt shares his raw experience of battling a debilitating health condition, financial struggles and a failing marriage. He opens up about the humiliation of living with his mother and feeling emasculated, unable to provide for his family. But through it all, Matt discovered a path to reclaiming his identity and purpose. Matt emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for your life, even when circumstances aren't your fault. He shares how this mindset shift allowed him to overcome the absence of a father figure and become the dad he always wanted to be for his own children.
In this episode, you will be able to:
- Discovering inner strength and resilience after hitting rock bottom.
- Embracing the power of masculine energy to strengthen your marriage and relationships.
- Cultivating personal transformation through the role of faith and spirituality.
- Healing and finding empowerment despite the absence of a father figure.
- Taking actionable steps to rediscover and embrace your true self-identity.
The key moments in this episode are:
00:07:43 - Living in Humiliation
00:11:00 - Shifting Beliefs
00:19:06 - Personalized Truths and Declarations
00:21:59 - The Power of Beliefs
00:25:39 - Overcoming a Lack of Father Figure
00:30:57 - Becoming the Man He Was Supposed to Be
00:35:32 - The role of personal growth in marriage
00:37:28 - Characteristics of healthy masculine and feminine energy
Connect with Matt Hallock
Website
Connect with Mike Forrester
Podcast Website
https://LivingFearlessTodayPodcast.com
Coaching Website
https://www.linkedin.com/in/hicoachmike/
Youtube
https://www.youtube.com/@hicoachmike
https://www.facebook.com/hicoachmike
https://www.instagram.com/hicoachmike
Transcript
Well, hello, and welcome back, my friend.
Speaker:This week, Matt Hallock has joined me and that's a podcast host.
Speaker:He's a speaker.
Speaker:He's also an author of 'The DNA of a Man' and a dude.
Speaker:We're going to get into like what Matt's gone through, you know, a decade ago.
Speaker:He was at a spot that many of us can relate to.
Speaker:Maybe not the whole story, but there's parts and pieces that we all experience or
Speaker:feel where we've hit that point where it's kind of like, Hey, I'm in rock bottom.
Speaker:I don't know who I am, what I'm called for.
Speaker:You know, call to be, or, or even how I'm supposed to show up.
Speaker:And if you're married, you know, that can carry over into your
Speaker:marriage and your wife's looking at you like, Hey, what are we doing?
Speaker:Are we, you know, okay.
Speaker:And, and who are you?
Speaker:How do I help?
Speaker:You know, that's, that's something that's very familiar for many men.
Speaker:And so Matt and I are going to jump into talking how he went through
Speaker:that, getting from rock bottom to, to where he is now knowing.
Speaker:Who he is and what he's called to, you know, show up as, um, he's got a clear
Speaker:picture now, whereas before he didn't.
Speaker:And, you know, he's just going to help us to understand
Speaker:what that path can look like.
Speaker:So excited to get into it today with Matt here.
Speaker:well, dude, let's, let's start off with what does your, uh, life look like
Speaker:on the professional side of things?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So on the professional side of things, I have worked for
Speaker:myself, uh, for a long time.
Speaker:I don't know the exact number of years, but it was actually started
Speaker:off by necessity, um, which we'll probably get into due to the
Speaker:health journey and stuff like that.
Speaker:And so I, the, what I started years ago was, was.
Speaker:tutoring, coaching service that I would, that I would offer to students.
Speaker:And I, I still do a bit of that right now.
Speaker:Um, I'm meeting with students, helping them get into college and mentoring
Speaker:them, helping them find their, their own passion, their own dreams, their own
Speaker:callings that God has called them to.
Speaker:Um, so there is that, that is phasing out though, because.
Speaker:The, the main professional thing that I, that I'm doing, as you've already, as you,
Speaker:as you know, I've, I've written a book, I have a podcast of my own, I work with
Speaker:men, uh, to help them step into their identity, step into their masculinity.
Speaker:I, I do a lot of marriage specific coaching, helping guys to find
Speaker:what it is that's, that's missing.
Speaker:When they've been trying so hard to work on their marriages to earn their
Speaker:wife's affection, but it's like it's not working and I help them find those
Speaker:missing pieces of the puzzle, which often revolves around them showing up
Speaker:as a masculine man so their wives can step back out of a masculine energy
Speaker:and into their femininity, which is where the marriage just thrives.
Speaker:So that's, that's the main thing that I'm doing professionally right now and
Speaker:just working on growing and finding speaking engagements and, you know,
Speaker:marketing, all of that, all that stuff.
Speaker:So
Speaker:very cool.
Speaker:And that's keeping you busy from what we were talking about earlier.
Speaker:I'm like,
Speaker:well, how about on the personal side of things?
Speaker:What does life look like for you today there?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So on the personal side, we, uh, My wife and I have been married for
Speaker:17 years, and we have three girls.
Speaker:Uh, we, we spend a good deal of time taking our oldest to dance.
Speaker:She is just a beautiful ballet dancer, just gifted, gifted, gifted.
Speaker:Um, So we, we do spend a lot of time and energy, just enabling all that to happen.
Speaker:We, we take, we have our other daughters super into Taekwondo.
Speaker:Our four year old is into just needing attention, so we're doing that as well.
Speaker:And then we, uh, we have a, um, about a half an acre, uh, property where we have.
Speaker:Uh, what do we have?
Speaker:We have five ducks and seven chickens that we take care of.
Speaker:And so my wife does a lot of gardening, so we're just doing all that stuff.
Speaker:We're involved in church.
Speaker:We, we, we do different, um, we lead different things and all that, but,
Speaker:but that is, that is the personal life.
Speaker:We, we relocated in the last few years from California out to Tennessee.
Speaker:So we're, we're living here and in the, uh, in the Bible belt
Speaker:of the South now and loving it.
Speaker:Haven't never looked back.
Speaker:Nice.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Uh, making a change.
Speaker:It is definitely one that, uh, you know, there's some adjustments and it
Speaker:sounds like you guys really set in well and found your rhythm there with the
Speaker:girls being involved the way they are, what you guys are doing as a family.
Speaker:So congratulations, man.
Speaker:That's awesome.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Thank you.
Speaker:Thank you.
Speaker:It has been great.
Speaker:I can tell.
Speaker:Well, let's, let's go back about a decade ago.
Speaker:Kind of alluded to this earlier, Matt, that it was like things
Speaker:that kind of hit like rock bottom.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:And it's something I totally feel because I went through that as, as well.
Speaker:So there were a number of struggles going on that, you know, in contrast to where
Speaker:you're at now, what was going on then.
Speaker:And I think the big thing is, Matt, that I hope that, you know, guys
Speaker:take away is that we're not stuck with what's going on when we're in
Speaker:that rut, that challenge, the thing that seems so overwhelming, right?
Speaker:You, you're like an example, like a living example going,
Speaker:Hey, I'm in a different place.
Speaker:I have that marriage.
Speaker:I have the relationship with my children that, you know, I'm showing up as
Speaker:the dad that I didn't have before.
Speaker:Can you take us back a decade and kind of share what was going on and, and what you
Speaker:were facing that, you know, really had it like, okay, where do I go from here?
Speaker:And is there anything different?
Speaker:Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you're right that focus of you're never stuck is really
Speaker:important because that that statement can sound so, uh, tone deaf to a
Speaker:certain guy who's going through garbage.
Speaker:We're just a horrible situation of whatever kind or guys who feel like
Speaker:they've been dealing with the same problem for years and years and years,
Speaker:and they might be like, well, that's easy for you to say that you're never stuck.
Speaker:You don't know my situation.
Speaker:And I agree with you, though.
Speaker:The truth is, no matter what is happening in anyone's life at any
Speaker:given moment, we are not stuck.
Speaker:But but to go to answer the question.
Speaker:So a couple decade a decade ago, uh, We were in a time of
Speaker:life where we were, we were.
Speaker:About as, as low as you can get in the, all the major areas of life.
Speaker:So health, marriage finances, uh, the, the only, the only area that has never
Speaker:really been low for us as parenting.
Speaker:Like that's always been fantastic.
Speaker:Our kids are always great.
Speaker:I guess maybe the one exception is when our first born was a year,
Speaker:less than a year old, she wouldn't sleep like the entire first year.
Speaker:So that was a pretty big low, but all things considered.
Speaker:We made it through that.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So we, at that time, uh, I had already been dealing with a very debilitating
Speaker:disease condition for seven years.
Speaker:Uh, the disease that started when I was 20 years old and
Speaker:we got married when I was 21.
Speaker:And so we.
Speaker:My wife and I have have never been experienced what it's like to be
Speaker:married with with complete health or even just decent health because this
Speaker:disease has been there the whole time.
Speaker:And so a decade ago, we were in this season of my body.
Speaker:Having been so bad that I could not provide for the family, at least that's
Speaker:what I was thinking and believing, uh, and because of that, we were living at
Speaker:my mom's house, um, which was absolutely humiliating for me, like, it's one thing
Speaker:I would always feel like it would be one thing if, if we were living at home.
Speaker:My parents house with a dad there, because at least like, you know, I have
Speaker:this fatherly acceptance and affirmation and he's going to help coach me through,
Speaker:but it just felt so emasculating to live at my mom's house and.
Speaker:We were there for, uh, for a few years in this place of financial rock bottom
Speaker:and also in this place where my body had been horrible 10 years ago, it, it was
Speaker:coming out of the, the bedridden state, but it had been at the point where I, I.
Speaker:I could hardly even roll over in bed without excruciating pain.
Speaker:I could not pick up my toddler.
Speaker:Uh, my, my wife had to put her on my lap.
Speaker:Um, I would, I would have to, it would take me like 20 minutes to walk
Speaker:from my bed to the car in the garage.
Speaker:Uh, it, it was just, it was just, honestly, it was hell.
Speaker:It really was.
Speaker:Uh, it.
Speaker:Just was as bad as you can imagine and we Coming out of that my mind and emotions
Speaker:We're now in a diseased state, so to speak, because I had been so ravaged.
Speaker:I just gave into discouragement to depression.
Speaker:Uh, I, I, I would think about myself like I am a horrible man.
Speaker:I suck as a husband.
Speaker:There's, if my own wife doesn't even like me, why would anybody else think
Speaker:that I have anything valuable to give?
Speaker:And so all these thoughts were, were.
Speaker:Um, undermining my ability to show up as a husband.
Speaker:They were undermining any, any potential drive I might have to go out there
Speaker:and try to do something financially to build an income because I just thought
Speaker:nobody, I don't have anything to offer.
Speaker:And, uh, my body wasn't completely well, but it was at least well enough
Speaker:for me to function a bit and it.
Speaker:Is something I never ever would want to go through again, and I would never
Speaker:wish on anybody, and it was at that time when I actually, I, I think my first, if
Speaker:I'm, if I'm getting the order correctly, my first foray into overcoming was
Speaker:actually in the area of physical health.
Speaker:Now, the whole, the whole, the whole time since this disease started, we had been
Speaker:pursuing everything we knew how to pursue for healing, like doctors and treatments
Speaker:and natural therapies and, and everything.
Speaker:And it hadn't, nothing had moved the needle.
Speaker:And I, as a Christian, I had grown up with this understanding that God, um, can
Speaker:heal people, but that he doesn't always.
Speaker:And sometimes if he doesn't, he has a better purpose.
Speaker:For you than what you may understand.
Speaker:That's a very common for anybody who doesn't know.
Speaker:It's a very common way that people think in in the Christian church.
Speaker:And for me going through what I went through, I was.
Speaker:I, I came face to face with the ramifications of that narrative
Speaker:and it made it, it, it, it actually brought me deeper into depression
Speaker:because I was like, okay, so God actually wants me to have this.
Speaker:That's horrible.
Speaker:I don't want to serve that kind of a God.
Speaker:So I searched through scriptures to see what he actually does say.
Speaker:Rather than what I had inherited, what I had heard taught from
Speaker:pulpits and stuff like that.
Speaker:And when I looked in to see what he actually says, I never saw anything that
Speaker:talks about how, well, if God doesn't heal you, he's using it for a good purpose.
Speaker:Whenever scripture talked about sickness or health and healing, all
Speaker:I saw was that God wants His people well, and he even promised it.
Speaker:And when I saw that, it changed something in me because no longer did
Speaker:I have to be a victim of this disease because it was God's will for my life.
Speaker:I realized, no, God's will is that my life be thriving and that I have health.
Speaker:And so now I had to make a mental decision.
Speaker:I am not going to identify with this sickness anymore.
Speaker:It will not define me.
Speaker:It will not determine my destiny.
Speaker:I am going to get well, whatever it takes.
Speaker:And I'm and, and I refuse anything less.
Speaker:And that mental shift was the precursor to the same kind of fire
Speaker:that overtook me about my marriage and about just my, how my own self
Speaker:worth and everything like that.
Speaker:So it's kind of, that's the whole.
Speaker:That's the whole picture of what was going on at that time, uh,
Speaker:not to speak of where the marriage transformation started to happen.
Speaker:But, yeah, that's where everything was then.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:as you got to that point, Matt, and you're like making that realization,
Speaker:how did you Set aside that mindset, that belief of this is who I am.
Speaker:Like I, I have this disease, right?
Speaker:This autoimmune disease that I'm, I'm fighting.
Speaker:Yeah,
Speaker:that's part of your identity at that point.
Speaker:How are you tangibly going through and going?
Speaker:That's not who I am.
Speaker:I am instead.
Speaker:You know, all these things of prosperity and, and health
Speaker:that God has in store for me.
Speaker:How did you make that, that shift in like a step by step
Speaker:process?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:It's a great question.
Speaker:So as I said, the, the first step was just discovering possibly a
Speaker:different, a different narrative than the one I had been believing.
Speaker:And I think that's really the first step for any area where a man is
Speaker:needing to overcome something.
Speaker:Usually.
Speaker:If not always, what we are experiencing is a result of what we've been believing.
Speaker:It's a result of a narrative that we have ascribed to or subscribed to.
Speaker:And so, if I want to see something change, I first need to change what
Speaker:are the beliefs That are going on under the surface here, and I, I am
Speaker:thankful for me that, that I had that understanding of, Hmm, I can go to an
Speaker:external source for some kind of truth, like scripture, I can, I, because.
Speaker:I didn't have to, like, overly convince my own self to believe in my own new
Speaker:thoughts and abandon my own old thoughts.
Speaker:It was an easy choice.
Speaker:It was like, okay, I was thinking and feeling this way, but God is thinking and
Speaker:feeling and saying this stuff over here.
Speaker:If God's real, then which one of us is right?
Speaker:Probably him.
Speaker:So I'm going to go ahead and put my, my faith, my belief into the thing
Speaker:that he's saying about me instead of what I'm saying about myself.
Speaker:So that was like the step one is just what is the alternative narrative
Speaker:and, and where is that coming from?
Speaker:Because most of us.
Speaker:Live by our feelings.
Speaker:Our feelings shape our narrative for the most part.
Speaker:And those feelings are often shaped by circumstances, struggles, failures that
Speaker:I've experienced, whatever it may be.
Speaker:And if we continue to let our feelings be the narrative driver,
Speaker:we will always live defeated.
Speaker:And that's whether you're a Christian or not, like the feelings
Speaker:cannot be in the driver's seat.
Speaker:So you have to come to this place where you're like, okay.
Speaker:I can see that the what I've been doing has not been corrected, has not
Speaker:worked, it has gotten me to where I am and you can't blame circumstances.
Speaker:I couldn't blame the disease.
Speaker:I had to be like, you know what?
Speaker:The disease was not my fault, but it's my responsibility now, and I refuse to lose.
Speaker:So, if I started to blame anything, then I'm taking away my ability to overcome.
Speaker:So, from that place, And this is the same procedure I used when I
Speaker:needed to transform as a husband and build up my emotions on the inside,
Speaker:I actually took inventory of all of the thoughts that I had been thinking
Speaker:about, like that were negative.
Speaker:That, that were, and so for the disease, like, yeah, I've thought that
Speaker:this was what I would be stuck with.
Speaker:This is what God's plan was for me.
Speaker:I'm just a sick guy.
Speaker:I'm not as lucky as everybody else out there.
Speaker:All those things I, I took inventory of all these different thoughts.
Speaker:And they, all of them negative, none of them life giving.
Speaker:And then I searched scripture for verses that were in direct.
Speaker:Uh, opposition to all of those negative thoughts and feelings and I wrote those
Speaker:down so I could see clearly at a glance the old narrative and the new narrative.
Speaker:But then what I did from there is I personalized those scriptures and I
Speaker:would, what I would do is I'd wake up every day before the sun came up, I'd
Speaker:go outside and I would begin to pray.
Speaker:Over myself, I'd begin to say instead, like a lot of Christians, again, just
Speaker:filling people in who may not be aware, but a lot of Christians, when, when
Speaker:we pray, many Christians pray in this way, like, for example, if somebody
Speaker:is dealing with a lack of confidence, this is a big thing from them.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:So I mean, I just wish I was more confident.
Speaker:So many Christians, when they pray, you.
Speaker:Or like, God, would you please make me more confident?
Speaker:Would you please help me become more confident?
Speaker:Would you please give me confidence?
Speaker:And I think it's a fairly safe thing to say that most Christians who pray
Speaker:those kinds of prayers Are typically somewhat disappointed because they can't
Speaker:point to a lot of really significant answers to those kinds of prayers.
Speaker:There's a lot of them feel like, well, I'm praying about it, but
Speaker:there's not a lot that's happening.
Speaker:And when I saw in scripture, for example, with confidence that
Speaker:Proverbs, I believe it's 28 says, the righteous are as bold as a lion.
Speaker:I saw.
Speaker:Okay, I don't feel confident.
Speaker:I don't think I am confident.
Speaker:That's one of the thoughts I've been thinking about myself, but
Speaker:God tells me that I actually am.
Speaker:I'm bold like a lion.
Speaker:So rather than ask him to make me confident, I should probably
Speaker:just start thanking him that I already am because he told me I am.
Speaker:And he said that the old has gone and the new has come.
Speaker:So I'm ready to be done with the old and the new is already here.
Speaker:So when I was going out every day in the morning, I would be praying, God, I
Speaker:thank you that I'm such a confident man.
Speaker:God, I thank you that disease doesn't rule over me and that I'm going to beat
Speaker:it and I will be healthy and strong and I'm going to run again someday.
Speaker:God, I thank you that I don't need anything from my
Speaker:wife in order to be happy.
Speaker:I wake up in the morning in order to be strong and loving and confident with her.
Speaker:And I'm the master of my emotions.
Speaker:I began to declare the things that didn't feel true.
Speaker:As though they already were, and I was doing it in a state of thankfulness to
Speaker:the Lord for having given me these things, even though I was blinded to them before
Speaker:and that process like, like, it's, it's really, it's really a four step process.
Speaker:It's what are the lies I believe, what is the truth that I believe instead?
Speaker:Now, what do I, how do I personalize the truth into something that
Speaker:applies to my personal situation?
Speaker:And then on a daily basis, I got to go to war.
Speaker:It's a simple process and it's powerful, absolutely life changing.
Speaker:I mean, I've seen it happen with guys over and over again where they come
Speaker:to me and they're like, Matt, I cannot tell you how different I feel after
Speaker:just a week of doing this kind of thing.
Speaker:I mean, I had a guy the other day who has, who deals with ADHD,
Speaker:like in this very significant way where he, he can hardly like focus
Speaker:through a long, deep, meaningful conversation with his wife and he.
Speaker:Uh, he told me
Speaker:we had this conversation about things that were easy to disagree on and
Speaker:get triggered and fight over and I was present and focused and calm.
Speaker:I've never had that before.
Speaker:It's amazing.
Speaker:So this, this thing is incredible.
Speaker:This process,
Speaker:I think the, the, the fact that What you did is your first step is what
Speaker:many men won't do because you're identifying the things that are the
Speaker:struggle and where you are weak.
Speaker:And how many times is it Matt that we run from those areas of weakness or challenge
Speaker:and it's almost like blinders on a horse.
Speaker:You know, I don't want to see it.
Speaker:You're, you're looking at the big picture to find the truth.
Speaker:You, you have hope you're going, there is an answer other than
Speaker:what I'm here experiencing and you're then looking for it.
Speaker:And I think those two steps are like, just change the whole platform, the, the
Speaker:way, the way we show up, you know, without that, we're just going to be repeating
Speaker:the same cycle that we've been on.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:And it's like looking at how you came out where it was like, Hey,
Speaker:I, I don't feel confident now.
Speaker:I know I'm confident and looking for, Hey, who do I want to be?
Speaker:What do I feel I'm lacking?
Speaker:And then stepping into that, um, You know, talking about how quick things
Speaker:change, whereas, you know, the false belief is things will never change.
Speaker:No, the truth is, when you actually start applying yourself
Speaker:to them, they will change.
Speaker:And it's just being aware and having that self awareness to
Speaker:actually start acting on it.
Speaker:It's
Speaker:exactly right.
Speaker:Exactly right.
Speaker:The beliefs are really so important.
Speaker:It, you know, pointing back to scripture again, even Jesus said,
Speaker:um, on one occasion, uh, according to your faith, will it be done to you?
Speaker:So.
Speaker:It's not even necessarily like coming from that Christian worldview, a lot of
Speaker:Christians think like, well, whatever happens in my life is more than often
Speaker:than not, it's a function of what God's will is God's, if God's will is that I
Speaker:go through this place of horrible pain, then then I guess I'm going to, and the
Speaker:thing is, God's will doesn't, it's not a guarantee that it's happening at any given
Speaker:moment in someone's life and, and, and really like he may want something totally
Speaker:different for somebody than what they are experiencing, but we get stuck in this,
Speaker:like, Oh, I guess this is just my lot.
Speaker:And if you're not a Christian, yeah, it's just, this is just my lot in life.
Speaker:I'm never going to see anything different, but really our faith is, is, is the driver
Speaker:because even if I'm believing that, um, my life's never going to get better.
Speaker:That's still faith, and it's working.
Speaker:It's producing the thing that I'm believing in.
Speaker:So we have got to change where we are putting our faith because it always works.
Speaker:It always works for good or for bad.
Speaker:So if I begin to put it in a good narrative, then I'm going to, then
Speaker:what that's doing is it's planting good seeds finally, and maybe not right away,
Speaker:but eventually and quicker than you expect, those good seeds are going to
Speaker:produce plants without you even trying.
Speaker:I started seeing myself feel differently, like especially in arguments with my wife.
Speaker:We would be in arguments and I'd be like behind the scenes in my
Speaker:head like, This is incredible.
Speaker:I'm not losing my temper right now.
Speaker:I'm not getting whiny and needy.
Speaker:Oh my gosh, I'm not even trying.
Speaker:Because all my effort was going into changing the belief system.
Speaker:Just on my own time.
Speaker:It was powerful.
Speaker:Another thing that you said earlier, that's really powerful.
Speaker:It's, it's like, it's not my fault, but it is my responsibility.
Speaker:And I apologize.
Speaker:I'm, that's not verbatim.
Speaker:It's kind of basically close, I think.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:But it's like, dude, it is up to us.
Speaker:And You know, it's like in your upbringing, right?
Speaker:You're a dad of three daughters, man.
Speaker:Nobody has set that example for you or not in a healthy way anyways,
Speaker:because in your upbringing, it was like your mom and your dad divorced.
Speaker:Um, your dad.
Speaker:Had good intentions showed up in, in some ways giving, you know, love and
Speaker:support, but there was also a struggle there and a shortcoming, especially
Speaker:when it was like, um, I'll let you, I'll let you fill in the details here, but
Speaker:Matt, it was like you and your sister had written a letter saying, Hey, dad,
Speaker:you're making some poor choices and this could cost somebody their lives.
Speaker:Please, we're begging you, imploring you, please change.
Speaker:What
Speaker:came out of that?
Speaker:And I mean, like, how do you see that the, the deficit of like, not having
Speaker:a father figure in a healthy way kind of was yet another decision that
Speaker:you were intentional about changing?
Speaker:Because it's like, you know, like we talked about, you're
Speaker:a dad of three daughters now.
Speaker:Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . Absolutely.
Speaker:How did, how did that deficit, you know, get changed to now?
Speaker:It's a positive thing for you?
Speaker:Yeah, so that's a, that's a, that's another great point too, because that's
Speaker:that issue of my dad wasn't around can be for many men just as debilitating
Speaker:as an actual disease where you can end up taking that on as your identity.
Speaker:I'm a man without a dad.
Speaker:Therefore, I don't know how to become a real man.
Speaker:I don't know how to be masculine.
Speaker:I don't know how to go out and provide or make a success of myself.
Speaker:I'm not equipped to earn the attraction and desire of my wife
Speaker:because my dad wasn't there.
Speaker:Like, we can, we can Take that on as the limiting factor
Speaker:over every area of our life.
Speaker:And so it's an important one.
Speaker:And yeah, you're right.
Speaker:Like my, my sister and I wrote my dad that letter and, uh, because
Speaker:he had been doing some dangerous things that put us in danger and.
Speaker:He, he replied to that letter with kind of turning it back on her and I, now
Speaker:we were, we were, I was in sixth grade and she would have been in, I don't
Speaker:know, second or third grade at the time.
Speaker:So he, he was blaming us for things, these children who just wanted to be safe around
Speaker:their dad, it was, it was very unhealthy and that did kick off a whole period of.
Speaker:Middle and high school where I never saw my dad, which is arguably, you
Speaker:know, the most important time for a boy to have his dad around and I,
Speaker:it took me a while to learn what I just described for you of this more like.
Speaker:Oh, I'm not going to take this anymore.
Speaker:I'm going to change.
Speaker:I'm going to fight.
Speaker:I, I will not be a victim.
Speaker:That took me a while, probably not until around the time period that
Speaker:I was describing for you already.
Speaker:So it took me years to understand that.
Speaker:But when I was, uh, in high school, I really Yeah.
Speaker:Like my mom raised me in church as a Christian, and so I really spent a lot
Speaker:of time reading my Bible and praying and asking God to show himself to me
Speaker:as a father, because I didn't have one now, and if I'm going to follow him.
Speaker:It can't just be words on a page in a book.
Speaker:He's got to be alive.
Speaker:I need to be able to experience him.
Speaker:And I need him to actively father me, not just through other people here and
Speaker:there, not just through random, odd circumstances, but I need a relationship.
Speaker:And through various different ways, over that high school time, I, I, I met him.
Speaker:He, I did get to experience his fathering of me.
Speaker:And so he helped to heal the orphan nature that I was living in.
Speaker:And so that was a big, huge part of, of my not succumbing.
Speaker:As a victim to the lack of a father, but really it wasn't until, like I said, you
Speaker:know, about that decade ago when this whole new way of, of looking at my life
Speaker:as I will be deciding what will and won't have power over me, including a lack of a
Speaker:dad, I will not be bound by this anymore.
Speaker:I, I, I am not going to take it on in my thinking.
Speaker:And instead, I'm going to believe, like, even though my dad wasn't
Speaker:there, I will become every bit the man I was ever supposed to be, and
Speaker:I will lack nothing because of it.
Speaker:And it really, like, as far as being a dad now, I would say That
Speaker:for me, that's always just flowed.
Speaker:I've, I've been with my dad, not there.
Speaker:And, and I think my connection with the Lord through all of that, like
Speaker:I just knew I'm going to be there for my girls and I'm going to love
Speaker:them way better than my dad did.
Speaker:And I'm going to, uh.
Speaker:I will be a presence for good in their life where when they're grown,
Speaker:they want to come and spend time with me rather than, you know,
Speaker:okay, we got to go see dad again.
Speaker:It was just never a question for me.
Speaker:But that's yeah.
Speaker:So it come back.
Speaker:It comes back to connection with God.
Speaker:And then again, that years later of making that mental shift.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And that's a huge shift.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So do you see like.
Speaker:Before we'll say Matt 1.
Speaker:0, right before you had that shift to now being like Matt 2.
Speaker:0, right?
Speaker:You're healed, you know, you are, you're securing your identity.
Speaker:You talked about, hey, my marriage is struggling.
Speaker:My wife, you know, doesn't doesn't really look at me the way.
Speaker:I want her to write before you change.
Speaker:Do you think the marriage could have changed or did it change before
Speaker:you, you know, began your journey of, of becoming the new you like
Speaker:is one contingent upon the other.
Speaker:Yeah, no, I undeniably unequivocally know the marriage could not have
Speaker:changed without me changing.
Speaker:I was trying to do that, um, in my ignorance, I didn't know any better,
Speaker:but I had really been trying hard to bring change to our marriage.
Speaker:And it, and the analogy that I use is it is like a man trying
Speaker:to clean his house with all the right tools, all the right cleaning
Speaker:supplies and everything like that.
Speaker:But he's dripping with mud.
Speaker:So he's walking around the house cleaning, thinking he's doing everything
Speaker:right, which he may be, but there's a, there's an ingrained problem, which is
Speaker:the fact that he's covered with mud.
Speaker:So I was like reading books on how do I get passion into my marriage and how, and
Speaker:I was like, I'm doing all these things.
Speaker:This is not hitting the mark.
Speaker:What's the problem?
Speaker:And it wasn't until I realized that.
Speaker:I had been looking, I'd been showing up with a very boyish,
Speaker:possibly even feminine energy in my marriage, where I was not leading.
Speaker:I was weak.
Speaker:I was needing my wife in order to be okay, rather than leading
Speaker:her from already being okay.
Speaker:And I, Would it was it turns it turned her into feeling like my mother where
Speaker:she was responsible for my happiness instead of my lover where she got to
Speaker:give herself to me and we had to enjoy all of that together because really that
Speaker:struggle for me was I just wanted sexual desire from her again and that's what a
Speaker:lot of men struggle is and some men feel guilty for that and I don't think you
Speaker:should I think sex is a central part of a marriage and it's and it should be.
Speaker:Sky high in a marriage, and if it's not, then yes, it should be fixed,
Speaker:but for many men, it needs to come down to, I've got to find my own
Speaker:validation, not get it from her.
Speaker:I've got to find my confidence, not constantly live in a lack of it
Speaker:because my wife's mood is always bad towards me, and I've got to find joy.
Speaker:Man, my wife will tell you joy is probably the sexiest quality in me,
Speaker:uh, hand in hand with confidence.
Speaker:I think the two are, are maybe flip sides of the same coin, but, um, it real.
Speaker:So you do have to go through your own personal growth and transformation
Speaker:in order for your attempts to revive the marriage to have any
Speaker:chance of doing what they should.
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:That's what I had experienced and so many other, you know, like guys that
Speaker:I've coached and, and guys that I've spoken to, it's like, you know, we're,
Speaker:we're wanting to, um, almost like heal the relationship without having to
Speaker:address what's within us and how we're showing up and it just doesn't work.
Speaker:It's almost like, you know.
Speaker:Like you talked about, you know, what came to mind was pig pen,
Speaker:you know, from the peanut cart.
Speaker:I'm trying to clean the house, but, uh, you know, it's like you can't
Speaker:drive your car without wheels.
Speaker:And it's just like it does not go anywhere.
Speaker:And, um.
Speaker:You know, our wives know us the best, you know, and same with, you
Speaker:know, if we're in a relationship, have a girlfriend, they know us.
Speaker:If they've been around a while, they're looking for us to be, you
Speaker:know, like you talked about being a man and not a boy and just the
Speaker:difference in how we show up, how we.
Speaker:Look at ourselves, not even so much how they're looking at us.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Um, yeah, the one thing I, I would like kind of to end on here, um, is like you've
Speaker:talked about masculine and feminine energy and what does that ideally look like?
Speaker:And not to elevate one over the other because they need each
Speaker:other, but what do they look like?
Speaker:In in their healthy state, Matt.
Speaker:Totally.
Speaker:So, yeah, of course, there's not one that's better than the other.
Speaker:If that were the case, then no man would get the benefits of
Speaker:a beautifully feminine woman.
Speaker:So, no, they're both equally important.
Speaker:Um, but so.
Speaker:The man in this masculine energy is, is a man who is grounded and very difficult
Speaker:to shake by her mood, by circumstances of life, he has, he's steady and he, he
Speaker:needs to stay steady in his character, in his countenance, in his, uh, in his
Speaker:vision for where he's taking his life and where he's leading the marriage
Speaker:and everything because his steadiness.
Speaker:Provides a safe space for his feminine wife to be fluid to be able
Speaker:to be not steady to be able to have fluctuations and how she's feeling on
Speaker:any given day and every any given week.
Speaker:And he's not pushed over by that.
Speaker:He's not.
Speaker:He doesn't take offense to it.
Speaker:He's not taking her things personally.
Speaker:If she brings up criticisms, he learns how to pass those tests of either,
Speaker:okay, well, that's an unhealthy criticism and I'm not going to cow
Speaker:to that, or It's a healthy criticism.
Speaker:And he, and he actually responds in love and consideration for her pain.
Speaker:And actually the whole time he needs to be considering her pain, but
Speaker:it's, so his masculine energy really does need to be solid, confident,
Speaker:joyful, leading the feminine energy, really like it's, it comes with
Speaker:delightful and also challenging parts.
Speaker:And if you can't, if you can't be strong enough to handle the challenging parts
Speaker:of the femininity, which are those fluctuations, those times when she's
Speaker:bringing up criticisms that you want to take personally because they sting,
Speaker:if you don't know how to navigate through those things, you're not going
Speaker:to be able to get To the delightful femininity, where she's seductive, where
Speaker:she is sensual, where she's flirtatious, she's smiling at you warm with you, she
Speaker:actually now wants to take care of you as.
Speaker:As a woman would take care of her warrior coming home from battle before
Speaker:men, always, you know, you, you may wish your wife would take care of
Speaker:you that way, but she doesn't want to because she feels like your mom.
Speaker:So she's getting back into this healthy state where it, no, it's this
Speaker:lover type of taking care of you.
Speaker:So that's, I mean, that's, there's obviously so much more to all of that,
Speaker:but that's kind of the summary that, that.
Speaker:I work with, you know, and with what I'm working with guys,
Speaker:yeah, I think when we're in our healthy masculine state, we're
Speaker:almost like a thermostat, right?
Speaker:We're setting the temperature when we're in that boy, you know, immature.
Speaker:Masculine energy.
Speaker:We're more like a thermometer.
Speaker:We're reading like you talked about.
Speaker:We're reading our wife.
Speaker:We're reading what's going on in work.
Speaker:We're more unstable about who we are and how we show up.
Speaker:Whereas when we're learning to be healthy, we set the tone, um, of what's
Speaker:going on around us in a healthy way.
Speaker:It's not that overbearing, uh, you know, really demonstrative kind of, Hey,
Speaker:I'm going to show up as a, as a man.
Speaker:It's Hey, I'm here.
Speaker:I'm present.
Speaker:Can I go that way?
Speaker:Yes, absolutely.
Speaker:But I just need to be present.
Speaker:And that's setting a tone in and of itself.
Speaker:We've all seen guys like that.
Speaker:You know, that's, that's what healthy masculine energy is just
Speaker:being able to be present and confident, you know, in a space.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:And once you do that, I've discovered a lot of the marriage issues where
Speaker:you needed to work on the marriage start to resolve themselves.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Because they're not having to step in and take care of us.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:And, and so we like, it's almost like a miracle.
Speaker:It's like, man, we fought over these things so much and she would never change.
Speaker:Any of the times we've fought and then all of a sudden I begin to do this
Speaker:and it's like, Whoa, she's becoming who I always knew she could be.
Speaker:And it's starting to look like the dream I've had for our marriage.
Speaker:And it's a beautiful thing.
Speaker:It absolutely is.
Speaker:They don't have to step in and take the lead position because we're abdicating it.
Speaker:Just kind of stepping back and being passive.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:All right, well.
Speaker:Matt, hey, how can men reach out to you outside of the podcast here?
Speaker:Yeah, so you can find me at my website, manwarriorking.
Speaker:com.
Speaker:And I also have a podcast of the same name.
Speaker:It's on Apple and Spotify, all the podcast places.
Speaker:Uh, The, the, probably the best, the best way to plug in for real with me would
Speaker:be to grab the book, 'The DNA of a Man'.
Speaker:And that's either on Amazon or at my website, manwarriorking.com/dna.
Speaker:And that really, I've gotten so So many emails and messages and comments
Speaker:that are, that I never expected I would get about that book guys.
Speaker:Just saying, man, this even, even when like I've heard, I was considering
Speaker:taking my own life that night and your ad came across my feed.
Speaker:I read your book and it's changed my life and I'm ready to do this thing.
Speaker:Now I'm ready to live, you know, and other guys like my marriage
Speaker:is so much better because I, okay.
Speaker:Took it into, took to heart the things in your book.
Speaker:So I would really recommend guys picking that up.
Speaker:Um, that that's a, that'll be life changing.
Speaker:I don't mean to brag about it, but that's what I'm hearing.
Speaker:So I think it will be.
Speaker:Well, and we'll have it in the show notes, Matt, because, uh, dude, I just,
Speaker:I appreciate you coming and sharing where it's like, Hey, we're not stuck.
Speaker:With where we are now, you know, the challenges that we're facing,
Speaker:they can be overcome and we can step in and become embody that man.
Speaker:That's confident.
Speaker:Even if we didn't have that dad, uh, that set the example for us.
Speaker:So it's up to us to.
Speaker:Go, Hey, these are the weaknesses.
Speaker:These are the things I'm struggling with right now that I'm facing.
Speaker:And this is who I want to be and saying, yeah, this is my responsibility.
Speaker:And how is it possible for me to get there?
Speaker:Just looking beyond and finding that hope and then taking action.
Speaker:So Matt, I appreciate you joining me today, sharing your story and,
Speaker:and insights on, on how things can be done and how men can become the
Speaker:man that they've been dreaming of.
Speaker:Well, thank you, Mike.
Speaker:Thanks for the fantastic conversation and for digging into
Speaker:all this stuff with me as well.
Speaker:And for the work that you're doing out there alongside of me and just doing
Speaker:it together to help bring healing to men and bring them into the place
Speaker:where they were always meant to be.
Speaker:And so I just appreciate you, man.
Speaker:And, and, and the opportunity to come here and join you.
Speaker:Oh, my pleasure.
Speaker:And thank you again, Matt.
Speaker:All right.
