How Men Can Beat Doubt and Take Control of Their Life Again with Robert Foster

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Hello and welcome back my friend, and today I'm joined by Robert Foster.

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And Robert's got an amazing story of the fact that, you know, the things of life

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that can hold us back, that if we give them that power, they will hold us back.

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And instead Robert chose to make that decision and set out

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and accomplish, his dreams.

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Robert's done, I. Well over 150 obstacle, competitions, and he is done track

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and field and got medals for that.

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He's not let the thing that would be the barrier, hold him back.

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Instead, it's been the thing that's elevated him and been that

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catapult to take him to the next level, not just physically, but

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also emotionally and mentally.

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You know, because when you, when you face those physical hurdles.

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It calls for you to change yourself, to pull something out of you

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different than what you've operated in before, takes us to a new level.

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So to live that life that we're wanting, it causes us to change.

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And so totally excited to get in here with Robert and, uh, start rocking and rolling.

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Robert, how are you doing today, my friend?

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I'm great.

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Thank you.

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Absolutely, man.

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Well, we chance to, to talk before and it's.

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The things, you know, that you've gone through both with, uh, your

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knee as far as, you know, getting past the injury there and taking a

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weakness and making it a strength.

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Um, you know, the, the challenge of, you know, anytime a, a parent passes,

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but especially with our dads, you know, when, when they pass it's, it's

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got a special place we'll say, The different mental and emotional things

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that can go on for us, you know, as guys that we don't talk about.

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Dude, you, you've had some stuff that you've gone through

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and I'm just totally excited.

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So let's, uh, let's start off with, you know, where things are today.

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What does it look like professionally for you, man?

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so last year was a very trying year where I literally lost everything

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and I walked away from my business and my fitness clients and like

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literally started from square one.

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So I found myself in a situation where I was able to be taken advantage of.

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I don't blame the person who took advantage of me.

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I blame myself for allowing that to happen.

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But I'm also, a glass is always full kind of guy.

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He's either half water all air.

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If it's empty, it's, it's all air, sorry.

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So the glass is always full.

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So I said, all right, so I have to take, take what happened

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here and we have to rebuild.

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So when I initially built my fitness business, I built it from nothing.

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It was supposed to be a hobby for me.

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And it ended up, you know, I have all this stuff, why don't I place an ad and

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see if I can, you know, train a couple people, make some, some side cash.

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And then a couple years later we opened up a 5,000 square foot facility, right?

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So, so anyway, so coming from that.

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And then Covid came and kind of wrecked that.

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And so I was like, all right, let me, let me go back to renting space.

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So I rented space and know we were supposed to join forces

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and collaborate, and then I just found myself in a situation where

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I worked for 10 months with.

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And so, like I said, it's my own fault for letting it get that far, but it caused

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me to, to lose my house, lose my car, had to split my kids up and ultimately

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move back home because like, I, like, I was homeless for about five days or so,

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bouncing between hotels when I finally swallowed my pride and I called my mom.

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And so.

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We were saying the other day about with men, like a lot of men wouldn't

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get on a public platform and just admit all that, you know, because

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like, you know, we have our pride and you this and that, and you like, you

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called your mommy to go back home.

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And it's one of those things where you gotta swallow your pride

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and focus on the bigger vision.

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Like my vision has always been helping people get out of their own way.

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So I found myself in my own way.

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So it, I had to get myself outta my way, rebuild myself, and so I

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can push back to where I am now, where I'm back to having my podcast.

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I'm back to coaching track and field.

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Now I have a car again.

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I have, uh, you know, every, I have all the tools that I need to move forward,

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and just a month ago, my buck shut up and grind, hit, hit the shelves.

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And so things are moving in a positive direction, but like I had to go through

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the darkness to be able to see this light.

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Yeah, and I think that's often like, we kind of do that like lone wolf

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where you go through that situation.

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And just like, you know, five days, Hey, I'll figure this out.

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And it's like, okay, if I really want to get out of this, I need

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to raise my hand and say help.

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And we as men are more of the keep it under wraps, you know, let's, let's

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push it to the back and not show it.

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So, um, I love the fact that you didn't do that.

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Instead, it's, how do I continue moving on?

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What tools do I have?

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How do I move forward?

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And we'll, we'll jump that into that in, uh, a short bit here.

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Yes.

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What about on the personal side now?

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'cause I mean things where they were just a year ago.

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You're not in that same place, man.

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What does it look like personally today?

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Personally, the outlook looks great because everything that

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I do, it helps other people.

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So whether it's being at the gym, whether it's coaching, whether it's

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having my own platform coming on other people's platforms, you know,

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getting out and promoting the book, which is about overcoming self-doubt

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and the fear of public speaking.

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So it's taking people who are hurting.

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Getting them to express that hurt, but in a positive, inspirational manner because

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everybody goes through tough times.

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Everybody goes through dark times, but when you're in the midst of

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it all, you have two choices.

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I can allow this to hurt me or I can allow this to propel me.

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And so when everything first happened last year, I let it hurt me in the beginning.

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A lot of it was humiliation that I let things get that bad.

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You know?

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I like the embarrassment of moving back home and.

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It's all those like societal stigmas that get attached to men.

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Like, we're not supposed to cry, we're not supposed to feel, we're

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not supposed to express ourselves.

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And then that's why a lot of men end up taking their own lives because they

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feel like they have no other option.

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And so I wanted to make my mission.

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Once I, once I got myself back on the right track and like I

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didn't go see a see a counselor, I didn't take take any medications.

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I literally had a conversation with myself in the mirror.

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And some people say, oh, that doesn't work.

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That's just, you know, whatever talk.

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But literally I was brushing my teeth and I glanced up.

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I locked with my own eyes in the mirror and was like, dude, what?

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I was like, what are you doing?

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Like you are better than this.

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I'm like, you help people get out of their own way.

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How are you gonna let life just box you in like this?

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And then from that moment, I just started taking actionable steps.

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Now going to see my old high school track coach to see, see if I could

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either join a team or at least volunteer.

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And then from there I landed a job.

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Granted it was busing tables, right?

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But when you're in that dark place, you gotta do what you gotta do.

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And so like, I needed money and so I started busing tables and then I landed

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back in the very first gym I walked into.

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I hit the jackpot like the owner and I gelled, and I ended up running his,

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I'm running now his second location.

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But all because I took blinders off, took me.

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It's okay to feel so sometimes people need to feel that, but like

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I said, whatcha gonna do with it.

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Are you gonna let it continue to hurt you or are you gonna let it propel you?

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In the beginning, I let it hurt me, but then once I let it propel me,

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like the opportunities are everywhere.

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Like I just joined Pod Match last week and I pitched 60 some odd people and

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I'm, I've gotten, I'm closing in on 15 bookings already in a week, you

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know, 'cause like every spare minute that I have, I'm pitching people.

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I'm.

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Self-improvement, personal development space because it's so needed in

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the world because there's so much negativity out there between the

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mainstream news and so social media.

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They need people like us to, to get out there and be like,

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Hey, you're going through tough times, but there's another way.

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we can get in our way.

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Without even realizing that we're in the way.

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Yes.

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And it's almost like we we're a boulder that's like, Hey, I don't

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want to be here, but here I am.

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Yeah.

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And when you don't step and, and like you talked about, Hey,

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I, I looked myself in the eye.

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I said, this is not where we're gonna be.

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But you took action, you created a plan and started moving on it.

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it's not the ideal life, but it's like, this is my life.

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This is my reality.

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What can I do?

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And that is the most powerful thing, man, because when you sugarcoat it

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for yourself, you're harming yourself.

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You're cutting yourself off at the knees.

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Um, one thing that you'd said is, you know, like, hey, in the

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beginning I was really struggling, you know, with the shame the.

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Students in a situation like that.

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I don't think any of us guys have a problem understanding.

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I'm ticked off at the person that, you know, did this to me.

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I'm ticked off at myself.

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I do feel the shame.

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I feel the guilt.

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How did you move past that, Robert?

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Because for a lot of guys, that becomes the anchor man that holds

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us to that situation, right?

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It holds us to that less than, um.

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Like you talked about that woe is me.

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dude, it just keeps the door from our possibilities closed.

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Um, how did you move beyond that?

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Um, not expecting you to do it overnight, but you know, but how did you work through

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it and, and move beyond that stuff?

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Well, you just said the key, the key phrase right there.

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I worked through it,

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get consumed by their struggles.

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One.

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In my intro video to my podcast, I mentioned you gotta have clarity of

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vision and so even though everything was, was crumbling in late 2022, early

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2023, the eye was still on the prize.

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Believe it or not, the eyes was still there.

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So it's like I finally chalked it up to this has to happen.

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In order for me to get to where I wanna be.

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'cause as long as I'm here, I'm kind of in a place of comfort.

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And as you know, there's no growth in your comfort zone.

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So it was tough for me to walk away from my gym clients.

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So it's almost like that betrayal had to happen because that gave me

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the coverage to drop the keys on the desk and message all my clients being

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like, I'm sorry, but as of today.

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I have, I have to shut, I have to shut it down.

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Like it was one of the toughest, toughest decisions to make because some of my

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clients were with me 5, 8, 10, 12 years.

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You know, when you're working with people for that long and they've trusted you

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for that long, you know, it's really, really hard to walk away from that.

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But if I didn't do that, I wouldn't be on this path that I'm on now.

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You know, so it's one of those things where you, you look at the

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situation, it's like, yeah, I could have been been mad at the other

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person, but I was like, you know what?

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Like, I, I can't put this on him.

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You know?

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Like he, he was fortunate enough to get 10 months of free labor.

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Good, good for him.

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You know?

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I was like, I just, I just took it that way.

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And I was sharing with someone at, at the gym with a gentleman

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about all that that happened.

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And he said to me, he's like, how could you let him win?

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And I said, what did he win?

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What did he win?

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I, I left behind a couple thousand dollars worth of equipment, but that's it.

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But I'm out of that cross hair now.

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It's like, it's like I'm literally free, like the weight is lifted.

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Like my stomach isn't a knot.

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Going in into that gym every day, know, wondering is, is he gonna pay me?

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Is he not gonna pay me?

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Is he gonna pay me?

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Like, how, how, how am I gonna get, like I'm losing my, in a matter of

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like, all of that stress was lifted.

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When I shut that door and locked it behind me.

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Actually I didn't lock it because I left it, I left the keys on the desk.

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Right.

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So, so anyway, so when that door shut behind me and I got it, actually

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no, I didn't even get in my car 'cause I didn't have a car then.

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So, yeah, that's why I called an Uber and I took an Uber down here

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to a mom's and it was like just the, like the weight was gone.

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But the uncertainty of what's next was still there, but I reconcile.

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So that took, you know, like I said, about a good month, month to six

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weeks of just like, the hell am I gonna do, what the hell am I gonna do?

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And so, so I get here and again, like mom and dad had a big yard, you know,

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so like dad passed in 2019 and he took care of like all of the outside.

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Like that was just his thing.

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And so when I. A lot of the outside stuff needed, needed a dressing.

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So like I, I just started getting into that.

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Like, I would wake, wake up in the morning, and this was in February,

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so it was cold, get up in the morning and I'd go outside and just start

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raking leaves, moving wood, moving scrap metal, and I just, I just kept

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my mind occupied while I, because as you know, your conscious mind can

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derail your subconscious if, if you.

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So my subconscious mind still knows the clarity of vision and

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what we really wanna accomplish.

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So I just took those few weeks to kind of just, you know, re refresh

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myself, you know, get a nice restart.

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And then once I restarted my podcast, that podcast guest like listening to her story.

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Refuel me to, to just get out there and just start knocking on every

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door you can knock on until you find what it is you're looking for.

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Just, just like, you know, in any, like in sales, you know, you gotta talk to

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a hundred people in a close 20 sales.

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Like that's just, that's how the game is played.

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I mean, it's probably a higher percentage than that, depending on the industry,

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but you know what that mean, right?

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So it's like, like you have to go, you have to go through that.

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But the first restaurant, actually I lied.

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The second restaurant I walked into.

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I was the one that hired me.

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The first gym I walked into is the one that hired me.

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When it came time to get a car, the first dealership I walked into, I got

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a car, you know, so it's like, like everything just fell right into place.

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Once I stopped blaming the external forces and I put the accountability on myself,

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do.

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Kind of think like the situation in our head.

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We just make it worst case scenario and instead, like you're talking first place,

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second place, Hey, I'm, I'm getting this traction, I'm getting this movement.

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Do you think that we don't take action because we've made it

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into such a mountain to overcome?

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Our imagination.

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It's bigger than the reality actually exists.

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Do you think that that kind of occurs?

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Oh, ab, absolutely.

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As human beings, we're, we're programmed to look for danger.

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Like we're, we're programmed.

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You know, if, if you think about it, long before we had houses and

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supermarkets and all this other stuff, we would hunt togethers, right?

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So to.

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Protect yourself, protect you have to constantly be on a lookout for danger.

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So we have all these comforts of life now, but that doesn't

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change our DNA programming.

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So most pe like, like I said, if, if I said to you, Hey Mike, I

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just got a great tip on the stock.

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If you can put $2,000 in right now, you know, it's, it's on project.

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Uh, so it's projected to.

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That's a lot of money.

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Um, what if I lose it all the, you know, like you're, you're gonna just start going

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through all of these negative what ifs.

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Like our brains are programmed for that.

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So that, that's where our conscious mind has to be aware of our end goal.

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You know it because a lot of people have it in the subconscious mind, but then they

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lose it with all the conscious thoughts, all those negative what ifs and, and.

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Like, but once you step outta that comfort bubble, you know the GPS theory,

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it's like if you're driving somewhere and the road is closed, you don't just

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turn around and go back home, right?

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It re, it reroutes you, right?

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It reroutes you around the road, the closed road, and it puts you back on

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the path when obstacles arise in life.

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I remember once I was doing for, for track coaching, there's a bunch

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of certifications that you have to get through the, through the state

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and I was through one, one of the longer ones, I was about an hour

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and a half into it and I stopped to get a drink and I got some food.

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I came back and I was like, you know what, I'll finish this later.

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And I closed the laptop.

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'cause nowadays most everything auto saves.

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Right.

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So most everything does, and my, my bad for assuming that an auto saves.

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So I went back maybe half an hour later, opened up the laptop and

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it's like back at the first page and it's like, you, you got options.

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You know, like I, I can let that, you know, get me mad and throw

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a fit and whatever, whatever.

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It's like I just, hey start and just went right back to work, you know?

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So, so it's like at the end of the day needs to get done.

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Just cut out the middleman, cut out all, all the theatrics

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and just, just get to work.

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So it's, it's one of those, if I'm hearing you right, Robert, feel the emotions.

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But don't dwell on the emotions.

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Yeah.

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Like don't camp out there.

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Yes.

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Feel 'em.

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Go.

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Yep, that's valid.

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Okay.

Speaker: 00:18:04

What's the reality right now?

Speaker: 00:18:06

What are my options?

Speaker: 00:18:07

Like you talked about?

Speaker: 00:18:08

And then take action on the one that you see is the best before you right now.

Speaker: 00:18:13

Is that accurate?

Speaker: 00:18:14

That that is accurate?

Speaker: 00:18:15

So one example I always use, I say on one side you have problem on the

Speaker: 00:18:19

other side you have solution, right?

Speaker: 00:18:21

Stress and all that other stuff resides in the middle.

Speaker: 00:18:25

So when things come up that's like, right, right now, if my daughter

Speaker: 00:18:29

comes in and says, Hey, the, the, uh, bathroom sink is leaking.

Speaker: 00:18:33

Okay.

Speaker: 00:18:34

Right?

Speaker: 00:18:34

So that's the problem.

Speaker: 00:18:35

If I don't address the problem, that leak is gonna turn into a flood.

Speaker: 00:18:41

That flood is gonna turn into floor damage, right?

Speaker: 00:18:44

And the floor damage is gonna turn into some, so it might leak out onto the carpet

Speaker: 00:18:48

and now the carpet gets moldy, right?

Speaker: 00:18:50

So from that, addressing the problem, it's just going to snowball.

Speaker: 00:18:55

And it's the same thing emotionally, like if something hurts you.

Speaker: 00:19:00

It's like you, you have to talk about it.

Speaker: 00:19:02

You can't keep it inside.

Speaker: 00:19:04

But as humans, again, we're, we're taught, especially men

Speaker: 00:19:06

we're taught to just mask it.

Speaker: 00:19:08

You know, ladies are better at this.

Speaker: 00:19:11

You know, I'm not trying to, trying to stereotype here, but, but, but ladies

Speaker: 00:19:14

will, they have their girlfriends know what that dude said, said today, you know?

Speaker: 00:19:18

But a man can go and get totally emasculated and he's got no place to go.

Speaker: 00:19:23

Because if he calls another guy, they're just gonna end up bashing the woman.

Speaker: 00:19:28

Right?

Speaker: 00:19:28

It's like in, they're not gonna talk about what actually hurt him,

Speaker: 00:19:32

because again, because we're not supposed to, we're supposed to

Speaker: 00:19:34

be macho and strong all the time.

Speaker: 00:19:36

But what people don't realize, if you get up in front of a thousand people and you

Speaker: 00:19:41

share a story that makes you emotional, what do people usually do in that room?

Speaker: 00:19:49

They start applauding because that takes true strength to get

Speaker: 00:19:53

up in front of other people and let them see that vulnerability.

Speaker: 00:19:57

Like if I talk about my dad being sick from start to finish, I can't

Speaker: 00:20:03

get through that entire story without welling up at some point.

Speaker: 00:20:06

It's going to happen.

Speaker: 00:20:07

So I'm not gonna just not tell that story.

Speaker: 00:20:10

Right?

Speaker: 00:20:10

That's real life.

Speaker: 00:20:11

Like that's a real emotion.

Speaker: 00:20:13

And especially with us men, with us doing that, it lets

Speaker: 00:20:17

other men know, you know what?

Speaker: 00:20:19

It's okay.

Speaker: 00:20:20

You know, it's okay.

Speaker: 00:20:22

Like say if, if you really, really loved, loved your wife and she ended up leaving

Speaker: 00:20:26

you for, for whatever reason, and if you don't reconcile that feeling like you.

Speaker: 00:20:35

Thing.

Speaker: 00:20:42

You know, that's what happens with, with men.

Speaker: 00:20:44

People get hurt.

Speaker: 00:20:45

You see like the stabbings and the shootings and, and, and, or

Speaker: 00:20:48

they hurt them themselves, like we mentioned with suicide earlier.

Speaker: 00:20:51

Like it's very, very important to let those emotions out.

Speaker: 00:20:56

Like I can't stress that, that enough.

Speaker: 00:20:58

And again, going back to, to the book, like I didn't, I didn't write

Speaker: 00:21:01

this for the sake of selling books.

Speaker: 00:21:03

Like I wrote this.

Speaker: 00:21:04

'cause you know how they always say be the change you wanna see?

Speaker: 00:21:07

And I was like, there's so many people out there that doubt themselves,

Speaker: 00:21:09

that don't think they're good enough, that don't think their story's strong

Speaker: 00:21:12

enough, that they don't think anyone will listen to them or will wanna

Speaker: 00:21:15

hear what, what they have to say.

Speaker: 00:21:17

And that is not true.

Speaker: 00:21:18

Like there's 13 worksheets in this book that will take you

Speaker: 00:21:23

from whatever hurt you and help.

Speaker: 00:21:28

Just help you heal from whatever, because you know how they

Speaker: 00:21:30

always say journaling helps.

Speaker: 00:21:32

So this is like a step-by-step journal guide, but it also

Speaker: 00:21:36

teaches you how to talk about it.

Speaker: 00:21:38

So like, if you wanna join a support group or if you wanna start your own support

Speaker: 00:21:42

group, or like, like you, you started this podcast to help speak to, to men

Speaker: 00:21:47

who, who are struggling in that regard.

Speaker: 00:21:49

But so now it teach you you to take those stories inside of you and

Speaker: 00:21:54

do something positive with it that can help other people heal as well.

Speaker: 00:21:58

Yeah.

Speaker: 00:22:00

Oftentimes we as guys, because we're not talking about it, think with that, we're

Speaker: 00:22:04

the only one with that struggle or in that, you know, that rut, that situation.

Speaker: 00:22:10

Yep.

Speaker: 00:22:10

And it's like, man, the more you look out there, the more you realize that

Speaker: 00:22:16

this is a fallacy, that it is common for us to go through similar stuff.

Speaker: 00:22:22

Is it the exact same?

Speaker: 00:22:23

No.

Speaker: 00:22:24

Robert, you and I, we've both had knee problems, right?

Speaker: 00:22:28

But it's not been from the same thing.

Speaker: 00:22:32

And so it's like, okay, well what are my choices?

Speaker: 00:22:35

Do absolutely nothing.

Speaker: 00:22:36

We both have that or address it and strengthen our knee and, you know, keep

Speaker: 00:22:42

working, working on it to move forward.

Speaker: 00:22:45

It's like, it's not the same exact journey, but there's similarities and, uh.

Speaker: 00:22:52

It's that action that you talked about earlier.

Speaker: 00:22:55

We can take action to address the, the challenge that.

Speaker: 00:23:01

It may take you a month and it may take me six months or vice versa, but it's

Speaker: 00:23:05

how long are you in the game and what are you willing to do until it's resolved,

Speaker: 00:23:11

uh, in the way you're looking for?

Speaker: 00:23:13

Speaking of speak, speaking of these, let me share some, something real quick.

Speaker: 00:23:16

Yeah.

Speaker: 00:23:16

So, so I ruptured my, my patella tendon, right?

Speaker: 00:23:19

And two of my quad muscles had complete atrophy

Speaker: 00:23:27

I'm in a Walmart shopping, right?

Speaker: 00:23:29

I have my big old three foot brace on and I meet run gentleman.

Speaker: 00:23:37

A brace on too.

Speaker: 00:23:38

He, he, it looked like he had like a regular ACL brace, but he had the

Speaker: 00:23:41

big scar like I had because like my scar is like that big, and so

Speaker: 00:23:46

he's like, Hey, what you have done?

Speaker: 00:23:47

I was like, you know, patella rup rupture?

Speaker: 00:23:49

He's like, oh, that same thing happened to me, and he bends his leg about 90 degrees.

Speaker: 00:23:54

He's like, get ready for that because that's all you're

Speaker: 00:23:56

gonna be able to bend it.

Speaker: 00:23:58

And so I un, I unlocked my brace and I was like, I already got full range.

Speaker: 00:24:05

See, so, so what happened?

Speaker: 00:24:07

How did he handle that?

Speaker: 00:24:07

Right.

Speaker: 00:24:08

So what happened there?

Speaker: 00:24:09

He just accepted his limitation, whereas I did not, when I was going

Speaker: 00:24:15

through my rehab, there's this machine, it's called a CPM machine.

Speaker: 00:24:19

So for people that, that have ma major surgeries, like you lay your leg on it

Speaker: 00:24:24

and, and it helps you bend your leg.

Speaker: 00:24:26

Oh, you can't see, like, it moves your leg up and down.

Speaker: 00:24:30

And so the physical therapist had told me do it a minimum of three hours a day.

Speaker: 00:24:36

She didn't gimme a maximum.

Speaker: 00:24:40

I was on that thing all day long.

Speaker: 00:24:44

Same.

Speaker: 00:24:44

The muscles that had atrophy.

Speaker: 00:24:52

They didn't get me a maximum.

Speaker: 00:24:53

So between the CPM machine and that Eastern, it was on like my, my now

Speaker: 00:24:58

ex was like, are you overdoing it?

Speaker: 00:25:00

I said, they didn't tell me, they didn't tell me not to do it x amount of time.

Speaker: 00:25:03

I was like, so this is what I'm doing.

Speaker: 00:25:06

And so like when I went back for that first follow up, she was like, oh my God.

Speaker: 00:25:10

She's like, we don't ever see, see range like this.

Speaker: 00:25:13

And I was like, yeah.

Speaker: 00:25:14

It's like I wasn't reckless about it.

Speaker: 00:25:16

It's like I found my, my threshold, like when I had my shoulder surgery, they, they

Speaker: 00:25:20

were like, don't move it for six weeks.

Speaker: 00:25:22

I was like, that's not happening.

Speaker: 00:25:23

It's like, because I understand how the body works.

Speaker: 00:25:25

So I'm like, that's not happening.

Speaker: 00:25:27

So like I would move and be like, oh, alright, that, that hurts.

Speaker: 00:25:30

And I would move just like that.

Speaker: 00:25:32

Keep it right there.

Speaker: 00:25:33

It's like, how high can I go?

Speaker: 00:25:34

Oh, that hurts.

Speaker: 00:25:35

Alright, so we'll move right here.

Speaker: 00:25:37

And same thing.

Speaker: 00:25:37

My first follow up to physical therapist range motion.

Speaker: 00:25:45

Oh.

Speaker: 00:25:50

And it was just from finding your own threshold.

Speaker: 00:25:53

And again, disclaimer, I'm not telling people not to listen to your doctor.

Speaker: 00:25:56

I'm just telling you what I did.

Speaker: 00:25:58

Right.

Speaker: 00:25:59

I always say that on my shows, just 'cause you never know.

Speaker: 00:26:01

It just takes one, one troll to uh, report you, you know?

Speaker: 00:26:05

But the point is like, going back to the clarity of vision, like when your eye

Speaker: 00:26:08

is on the prize, you do what it takes to get, you know, do what it takes.

Speaker: 00:26:15

Yeah.

Speaker: 00:26:16

It so funny because it's.

Speaker: 00:26:19

Um, you can just imagine that guy seeing your range of motion and

Speaker: 00:26:25

what's gotta go through his head.

Speaker: 00:26:27

Like, okay, do I take responsibility?

Speaker: 00:26:29

Do I make change?

Speaker: 00:26:31

Do I stay here?

Speaker: 00:26:32

Like, Hey, you know your results, you took action.

Speaker: 00:26:37

Those are the results you got.

Speaker: 00:26:39

When you see something different, you're still in control.

Speaker: 00:26:42

Like he's in control of what he does.

Speaker: 00:26:44

Okay.

Speaker: 00:26:44

Do I push it?

Speaker: 00:26:46

Do I ask questions or do I just.

Speaker: 00:26:49

Stay with where I'm at.

Speaker: 00:26:51

So, um, you know, we're, even though we may not feel like we're in control, we

Speaker: 00:26:57

have a lot more control than I think we'll admit because, you know, the re results

Speaker: 00:27:03

may not be where we want them to be.

Speaker: 00:27:05

So the responsibility is then like, all right, what are you willing to do?

Speaker: 00:27:09

Yeah, exactly.

Speaker: 00:27:10

Like, and even with, with opportunities, like my sister, she's also a speaker, but

Speaker: 00:27:15

like she's of the mindset of the, it's.

Speaker: 00:27:19

I always try to reframe it for, I'm like, it's, it's only who you ask.

Speaker: 00:27:23

Like, why am I, why am I on your show now?

Speaker: 00:27:26

Because I pitched you, I asked, right?

Speaker: 00:27:28

It's like I saw what you were all about.

Speaker: 00:27:31

And I was like, you know what?

Speaker: 00:27:32

Let's throw my pitch, see what happens.

Speaker: 00:27:34

And just tonight I was pitching.

Speaker: 00:27:37

Every place that I could, every, every newspaper, every magazine, like I'm

Speaker: 00:27:42

starting local in Rhode Island because this state is so small, you know, I

Speaker: 00:27:46

figure if I can get enough, enough local write-ups that I can land a new spot.

Speaker: 00:27:51

And I know once I land a new spot, you know, thing things are

Speaker: 00:27:54

going, are gonna change because that exposure is just insane.

Speaker: 00:27:56

But it's like, but I'm asking everybody, like, every, every single

Speaker: 00:28:00

day I'm sending out a minimum of 20.

Speaker: 00:28:03

So, you know.

Speaker: 00:28:05

If it's all in who you know, how are you gonna know people

Speaker: 00:28:09

if you don't get out and ask?

Speaker: 00:28:11

Whatcha gonna do?

Speaker: 00:28:11

Just sit, sit on your couch on one day.

Speaker: 00:28:13

One day the news is just gonna call you.

Speaker: 00:28:15

she was one of my clients for a long time, but, so she had reached out to me

Speaker: 00:28:19

for the first time in years and so she sends me like a voice clip saying that

Speaker: 00:28:24

a year and a half ago, this is probably two and a half years ago now, so in the

Speaker: 00:28:28

voice message, like a year and a half ago, she found her brother dead now.

Speaker: 00:28:32

Like no one had heard from him for a while.

Speaker: 00:28:35

And so she went to go check on him.

Speaker: 00:28:38

I guess he was, he was going for a while because like the scene

Speaker: 00:28:41

she described was not cool.

Speaker: 00:28:42

I'm not, just know.

Speaker: 00:28:46

Um, don't wanna see what she saw.

Speaker: 00:28:49

So.

Speaker: 00:28:51

I picked a time because she's local here in, in Rhode Island.

Speaker: 00:28:55

And so I, so I took it some time and I went up to, to go

Speaker: 00:28:57

see her at her gym up in Pucket.

Speaker: 00:29:00

And so we gotta talking, you know, I, I let, let her talk, let her hear her story.

Speaker: 00:29:05

And then I talked about, you know, watching my dad die.

Speaker: 00:29:08

I said, so these are two, two different situations, but the pain is the same.

Speaker: 00:29:15

Like, and that's what, that's what I try to get audiences that I talk to,

Speaker: 00:29:19

to, to understand and like, and I'll, I'll put out three different things.

Speaker: 00:29:23

Like, like my mom is fighting breast cancer now, so like she's

Speaker: 00:29:27

gotta go to radiation treatments every single day, you know?

Speaker: 00:29:30

So when she, she wakes up, there's things that she has to go

Speaker: 00:29:33

through to get through each day.

Speaker: 00:29:35

When I was learning to walk and run again, there were things

Speaker: 00:29:38

I had to do every single day.

Speaker: 00:29:40

You know, a, a woman who's nine months pregnant, you know, she's dealing

Speaker: 00:29:43

with swollen feet and the baby on her bladder and back pain, foot pain.

Speaker: 00:29:48

You know, like there's things that she has to go through to

Speaker: 00:29:50

get through every single day.

Speaker: 00:29:52

You know, once we realized that it's not a comparison of what are we

Speaker: 00:29:57

going through, the daily pain is the.

Speaker: 00:30:03

And so once, once the audiences realize that, you know, it's not

Speaker: 00:30:07

like, oh, well I have cancer.

Speaker: 00:30:08

Yeah, well, I was told I'd never run a jump again.

Speaker: 00:30:10

Oh, well I, I have this and I have that.

Speaker: 00:30:12

Like, it's not a contest over who's suffering the worst.

Speaker: 00:30:15

You know, the thing is, is that pain is global.

Speaker: 00:30:20

It's a global problem, but you know what's also global is the comeback.

Speaker: 00:30:25

Like, and that's my mission, is to help people who are struggling in

Speaker: 00:30:30

that pain and help them reframe that pain so that they can have a comeback.

Speaker: 00:30:36

and I think you can always find those people that wanna do the

Speaker: 00:30:38

competition or just, you know, misery loves company is the saying for it.

Speaker: 00:30:43

Right.

Speaker: 00:30:44

You can wallow with somebody else or you can choose to,

Speaker: 00:30:50

you know, make that decision.

Speaker: 00:30:53

I'm gonna take action.

Speaker: 00:30:54

I'm gonna make change and look around you to see like, Hey, who do

Speaker: 00:30:58

I have in my corner that can help me?

Speaker: 00:31:01

That will encourage me.

Speaker: 00:31:03

And like you talked about earlier as well, that clarity, what's the clear vision?

Speaker: 00:31:09

What's the path forward?

Speaker: 00:31:11

Um, you've talked about your dad and his passing a couple

Speaker: 00:31:15

times, uh, that gave you a have.

Speaker: 00:31:21

Take us back to what was going on and then we'll jump into how you came out of that.

Speaker: 00:31:27

Okay.

Speaker: 00:31:27

Yeah, so it, everything, everything happened so quickly.

Speaker: 00:31:31

Like remember it was January in 2019, he came to the gym.

Speaker: 00:31:35

'cause as you know, as you mentioned earlier, I do obstacle races and so we,

Speaker: 00:31:38

we had to climb a five foot climbing wall and he comes down to the gym,

Speaker: 00:31:42

he does some measurements 'cause he was gonna expand it to seven feet.

Speaker: 00:31:47

Like I had a second five foot wall, so we wanted a taller one.

Speaker: 00:31:50

And so like he's in, he is doing his thing, he is doing

Speaker: 00:31:53

writing up his sketches.

Speaker: 00:31:54

'cause he was an engineer, so everything to him was like too scale.

Speaker: 00:31:57

Right?

Speaker: 00:31:57

A hundred percent too scale.

Speaker: 00:31:58

I'm like, dad, you're just slapping some two by fours up on this thing.

Speaker: 00:32:01

But nope, he had a whole schematic.

Speaker: 00:32:03

So, and I wanna say it was like three weeks later know mom called and says,

Speaker: 00:32:07

oh you know, dad's in the hospital.

Speaker: 00:32:09

He is not feeling so, so great.

Speaker: 00:32:12

So gets the hospital.

Speaker: 00:32:15

And then I go see him, and he had lost a good amount of weight in that short

Speaker: 00:32:18

amount of time, and it's like, what's.

Speaker: 00:32:24

Even maybe two months out now, and he's just like getting weak again.

Speaker: 00:32:28

He's still getting, getting smaller, like he's losing strength.

Speaker: 00:32:32

And then we find out he had stage four heart failure, right?

Speaker: 00:32:35

And so, and but just wa watching the, just watching him get worse

Speaker: 00:32:39

and worse and worse, like that, that was the toughest part because

Speaker: 00:32:42

as I said, he was an engineer.

Speaker: 00:32:43

He was a man's man, loved building stuff, loved using his hands.

Speaker: 00:32:47

And let, lemme tell you, he almost called, called a shot.

Speaker: 00:32:51

'cause he, he used to say in his fifties that when he couldn't build anymore, that

Speaker: 00:32:56

was gonna be his time, his time to go.

Speaker: 00:32:58

Right.

Speaker: 00:32:58

So he was seven, he was 79 years old.

Speaker: 00:33:01

And so he was scheduled for open heart surgery up at Hartford Hospital in, in

Speaker: 00:33:06

Connecticut, and the night before, he and my son, who's a mechanic, my mom's

Speaker: 00:33:11

car and his, they supposed to leave here.

Speaker: 00:33:16

At 4, 4 30 in the morning, something like that.

Speaker: 00:33:19

My mom said that he was out there till like 1:00 AM with stage four, heart

Speaker: 00:33:23

failure, losing strength, but he was not going inside until my mom's car was fixed.

Speaker: 00:33:29

It's like, that's just the kind of man he, he was like, he was the original

Speaker: 00:33:33

shut up and grind, like what he wanted.

Speaker: 00:33:35

He did whatever he had to do to get it.

Speaker: 00:33:37

So

Speaker: 00:33:42

where.

Speaker: 00:33:44

He has the surgery, he comes out of it, he's looking good.

Speaker: 00:33:47

But then something else happened.

Speaker: 00:33:49

We don't know what happened.

Speaker: 00:33:50

Like something else happened in there.

Speaker: 00:33:52

They had to open him up again, but this time they left him open.

Speaker: 00:33:57

So it was at that moment where I was like, he's not coming back from this.

Speaker: 00:34:02

Like, if he was coming back, they would've, they would've

Speaker: 00:34:04

closed him back up again.

Speaker: 00:34:06

It's like, why is he still open?

Speaker: 00:34:07

Right.

Speaker: 00:34:08

It didn't make any sense.

Speaker: 00:34:09

So I started mentally preparing at that point because I'm like,

Speaker: 00:34:13

I'm, I'm a realist, right?

Speaker: 00:34:14

We're all gonna die.

Speaker: 00:34:15

It's, it's just, it's just a matter of wind.

Speaker: 00:34:18

Right.

Speaker: 00:34:18

So it's like in my particular family, like my, my cousin just passed away, just Yes.

Speaker: 00:34:24

Yesterday at 63.

Speaker: 00:34:24

Like there's a history of young deaths in my family.

Speaker: 00:34:27

So the fact that my dad was pushing.

Speaker: 00:34:32

It's not a big thing in our, in our family, you know,

Speaker: 00:34:34

it's just, it's just not.

Speaker: 00:34:36

So I was mentally preparing.

Speaker: 00:34:38

I'm like, all right, so we're gonna lose him.

Speaker: 00:34:40

And how I got through it was I shifted to gratitude, you know?

Speaker: 00:34:45

'cause doing my podcast, I interviewed people from all over and I've heard so

Speaker: 00:34:50

many things, but I've interviewed a bunch of people that never knew their dad.

Speaker: 00:34:56

So I was 45 when my dad passed, so I. I mean, yeah, the sadness is there,

Speaker: 00:35:03

but it's like I had this man for 45 years and there's so many things that

Speaker: 00:35:07

he left behind, whether it was teaching sayings, crazy quotes, YouTube videos

Speaker: 00:35:13

of him dancing like a, like a fool.

Speaker: 00:35:16

You know, his motivational speeches, like there were just so much stuff that he left

Speaker: 00:35:20

behind where it's like if I pop on video.

Speaker: 00:35:24

You know, like even right now in this room that I'm sit sitting in, there's pictures

Speaker: 00:35:28

of him here, pictures with my mom.

Speaker: 00:35:30

There's a poem he wrote.

Speaker: 00:35:32

You know, like there's just so many things that he left behind where

Speaker: 00:35:35

it's like, I, like, I'm grateful.

Speaker: 00:35:38

I'm gr eh, here it comes.

Speaker: 00:35:40

You know, it's like, I'm grateful for the time that I had and

Speaker: 00:35:43

the fact that he was there.

Speaker: 00:35:45

Like he was there for almost everything, whether it's sports, whether it's after

Speaker: 00:35:49

school activities, like no matter what it, what it was bringing me, you know,

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to and from work back in the day.

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And he was just, he was just always there.

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When I needed a kick, a kick in the tail, he was there, you know, when I

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needed that uplifting, he was there.

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You know, it's, it's like I said, not everyone has that.

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And so even though yes, watching him take that last breath, like I'll never unsee

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it, but I'm actually kind of grateful that I gotta see it because to put it

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into perspective, one of my gym clients, her, her father just suddenly dropped.

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Suddenly outta the blue.

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I mean, we at least got, he had three generations around him

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when he took that last breath.

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You know, we all got, gotta hug him, kiss him, tell him we

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love him, and, and all that.

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It's like, you know, my mom s sang a song to him, you know, then they

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turned off the machine and, and, uh, you know, off he went, but.

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It's just, it's just one of those things like I, I hope I have an ending that good.

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Like, I don't want, want my kids to just come home one day and finally

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sprawl it out on the living room floor.

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You know what I mean?

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It's like, it's like, I, I don't want that for them, but, but to

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have an ending like that, it's like you, you're almost kind of envious.

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It's like, I want, I want it ending that way.

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Well, and the thing as you've shared stories about your dad with me.

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I think your dad was so on track because it's like he's showing up

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for you for different events, right?

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He's present and I mean, you, you talked about, you know, a lot of guys don't

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know their dad or like, you know, for me, my dad was there, but he wasn't there.

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He was present but not engaged, let's put it that way.

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And so.

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You know, it's like we all long for that dad that's approving, that's

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accepting, that's loving and you know, validates us, approves of us.

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Um, you know, and he made the effort to be there for your stuff.

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And then for your son, like you were talking about, you know, they worked

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on the car, him affirming him that night to say, Hey, I'm proud of you.

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Dude, how many of us as guys have that father wound where it's just, Hey, I

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wish that I could hear those words.

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And it's like not ever receiving them.

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Your dad did a whole lot that was loving for his family.

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You know?

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Um, and it's like to aspire to, to have that, to, to embody that I.

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He was a great man in my book, just off of what I've heard from you, man.

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I'm like, dude, the guy hit a home run with his family.

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Thank you.

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So, um, from that experience you've shared with me, like, Hey,

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I had clarity, it became like nitrous oxide for you in your life.

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Um, you know, the, the dedication, the commitment to it.

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When he passed, how did you then kind of go forward from it?

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You know, obviously you're not detached and unemotional, it's impactful.

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Um, but then you, you took something that's, you know, a heartbreaking and

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grieving situation and kind of used it as like a catapult into, to your future life.

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It was.

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It was tough.

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It was tough because the very next day I had a podcast and I'm always

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talking about showing up, right?

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Like, you gotta show up when you're supposed to be

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somewhere, you gotta show up.

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Because at first I was gonna cancel it, but then I was like, nah, like I don't

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wanna be, I don't wanna be a hypocrite.

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And just because other people would say, I totally understand, that

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doesn't mean you should do it.

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Right.

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I said, this is gonna be more impactful if I show up.

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It's fresh.

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It's less than 24 hours ago.

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He took his last breath, know, 'cause he, because he died at 6:00 PM and my show

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was at noon the next morning, you know, so it was like, it's like 18 hours ago.

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I watched the man pass away.

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And so I get up there, I, I just spent the first 10 minutes of the,

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the episode doing a tribute to him.

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Like I had pictures and videos made up.

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I put it to music.

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I. Sobbing for like the first 10 minutes of the episode and my

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poor guest, by the time my poor guest comes on, she's sobbing too.

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She's like, oh my God, that was so beautiful.

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No, but like it was, it was tough to get through, but I know people

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grieve at their own rate with me.

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I try to get through it as quickly as possible.

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It's not even like a whole manly thing.

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I'm, I'm too busy as, as funny as it sounds, but it's like I have too much

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going on where I need to be in a positive mindset between, again, being at the gym.

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I host two podcasts.

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I speak on podcasts, I coach track and field, and I'm reading

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kids, you know, and I'm writing articles somewhere in the there.

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Don't so feel what I feel past and I plays a big role in.

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That really does help you heal because if you just sit, sit on your bed,

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you know, drinking whatever, and you, you like, you just stay in that sea

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of emotions and then over time it's, it's going to consume you, you know?

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So like my, my recommendation to people, it's like, go at whatever

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your pace is, but have an outlet, like my outlet is speaking.

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Like if I'm feeling a certain way about someone, I can just go live

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on YouTube, go live on Facebook, and just talk like that's my outlet.

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If I don't wanna talk, my backup outlet is hiking.

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Where's like, if I'm having a moment, because again, I

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am human, I have moments you.

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Excuse me.

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I'll usually put on headphones, I'll find something inspirational.

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Sometimes I'll even listen to, to my own podcast, or if I was

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on somebody else's podcast.

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Sometimes if I want one of the big boys, I'll go to like Eric Thomas or

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Les Brown or someone, and then I just go for a walk and just, you know, again,

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flood my conscious mind with positivity.

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So, so I, but.

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See, that's the thing is like people get in that mood and they stop working, right?

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So if you stop working, you're not working towards that thing that you want.

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And the thing that I want is, like I said, I wanna get that new spot.

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And again, it's not about me.

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And because personally, I don't wanna be famous at all.

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It's like when, when I'm done, when I'm in my own personal

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space, I don't wanna be bothered.

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But like, when you're known, uh, it co It's part of it, unfortunately.

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It's part of it.

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You're gonna go places where people are like, Hey, I know

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you, I've seen you on tv.

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You know, because like I've been on TV before and I,

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I've gotten that that before.

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But like, having that mindset, mindset, I'm making it about me,

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but my mission isn't about me.

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My mission is about helping people who are hurting.

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So if I have to be inconvenienced at, at the supermarket to help thousands, tens

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of thousands, maybe millions of people, then I'm willing to pay that price.

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Yeah.

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Well, dude, I man, as you and I have talked here today, it's just

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one of those, Robert, where I love the fact that you're looking at it.

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This is where I'm at currently.

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This is my reality, choosing not to camp out on the negative,

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but instead what are the options before me and, uh, what can I do?

Speaker: 00:43:41

What are the resources I have available who's around me and not?

Speaker: 00:43:47

Not being inauthentic with yourself, because that slows us down.

Speaker: 00:43:51

So Robert, man, I love what you've shared.

Speaker: 00:43:54

Thank you for sharing your story and your insights and just the experiences

Speaker: 00:43:59

that you've gone through, man.

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Um, outside of this podcast, how can guys connect with you,

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my friend?

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So, the best way to connect is I'm most active on Facebook, as you know.

Speaker: 00:44:11

So I do, I do a little bit on Instagram, and, and that's only because my Instagram

Speaker: 00:44:17

is connected to my Facebook, so whatever I post on Facebook, auto, post Instagram.

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But yeah, but that's, um, my personal profile is Facebook com

Speaker: 00:44:26

slash r four, and then my, my public page on Facebook is at Robert v.

Speaker: 00:44:34

Gotcha.

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And that'll be in the show notes as well, my friend.

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So Robert, thank you very much.

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And.